#168 Where I’ve come – 32.11 stage

I had a bit of an enlightening moment today. I consider myself a fairly aware, conscious-thinking and doing individual. I’m aware sometimes to the detrimental point of being overly self-conscious of my thoughts and actions, and find myself having to calm down with all the scenarios in my head, and toughen up to the world around me.

 

Not everything has a point. Sometimes it just is.

Sometimes analyses are best left to the film critics.

Not everyone is concerned about you. People are mostly worried about themselves.

 

These little internal reminders of mine keep me balanced and trying not to stress too much about the small stuff. Although I think, a lot (life of a writer), I feel that often I need to let things come to me rather than trying to make things, and create things that are best left free and unhinged. Letting go can sometimes be the best way to succeed and move forward.

And sometimes when you’re typing away at a computer, awakening moments can also come to you gratuitously.

As is often the case at my work, a tour came through consisting of a group of high school students, led by a resident long-standing employee of the company. The group of teenagers were to my left as I did my thing, being told of all the fabulous and awe-inspiring and exciting (and so, so difficult!) elements that composed the workflow of our greater department. Typing away, sipping on my café-bought cappuccino, I had a bit of an out-of-body experience.

I could see myself in these kids. I could feel their nerves, their excitement, and their anxiety about being in a professional workplace such as mine. I could feel their confusion and hear their internal questions about what they wanted to do in life. I could tell they were keeping their heads forward, while their curious eyes darted everywhere else. I could hear the indecision. I could sense the bewilderment, the wonder… the Hope.

I could tell all of this, because once upon a time I was one of these kids.

And like that, BOOM! I was transported from my teenage-self back into my present body… and I felt accomplished. I felt proud of where I had come to, of all that was in my life, and all that I had with me. Not just the big things I had accomplished, such as a great job, marrying Hubbie, and having a beautiful baby girl with him. But it was the intangible things that made me proud-er.

Not stopping when it got hard.

Persevering for things I wanted when teachers at uni said “very few people get jobs in this field.”

Keeping my morals and not succumbing to workplace bullshit just to ‘fit in.’

Retaining my sense of self and worth and allowing my self-assuredness to find my own path, my own friends, my own vision.

Deciding to NEVER fit the mould.

Deciding to go beyond the 9-5, and create my own hours doing my own thing and making my personal passions come true.

Deciding to reach high, as high as I could for the stars, because that quote:

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Ahhh.

I saw myself through those teenagers’ eyes, and was happy. I had become what I wanted, and who I wanted to be. It was an incredible moment of realisation, one that I was truly happy to grab hold of.

Yet, this is only phase one.

There is so much more to give and become. I am so grateful to Life. But also, I am so grateful to Me.

 

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