#1171 Lovely in the sun

I found myself a bit overwhelmed by life this morning. So much so that when baby girl had a fairly decent ‘moment,’ that seemingly appeared out of nowhere and had me wiping away her tears in front of her class, before walking away when she was settled and then wiping away my own… well let’s just say that problematic thoughts kind of took over.

I had so much to do, things were upsetting me, I was trying to stay in control… it was too much. I looked out to sea as I drove along the Esplanade, thinking how much I wanted to get out and stare at the water.

“Do it,” a voice whispered.

But I have so much to do… I told myself. And now I’m sad.

Still, I faltered. I pondered my options, as if I were hopping from one foot to the next, and when I got to the familiar clearing amongst trees and saw there were no cars approaching, I spontaneously turned in.

Grabbed my phone and keys. Left my bag in the car. Walked with my not-appropriate for gravel/sand boots over to the table and bench that was free.

Waiting for me.

And I sat, and I stared.

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It was post 9am and sunny in April, so people were taking advantage. They were out and about. I dared not turn as I heard runners crunching on the gravel behind me. To and fro they moved, some silent, some making quiet conversation to their partner, when suddenly…

“Morning!” A voice clearly directed at me startled my Bay-stare, and I turned quickly, compelled to answer immediately.

“Morning!” I replied. He smiled, this short, yet fit 50-something man, charging happily on his lonesome past me. “Lovely in the sun?!”

“Yep it sure is lovely,” I replied. I smiled as he walked off, grateful that someone had snapped me out of my listless watching.

Lovely in the sun… had it been a fact, or a question? A friendly greeting, or a check in to see if I was ok?

Yes it was lovely in the sun… the sun allowed light to bathe us and take us out of darkness, but sometimes that light failed to penetrate deep to our thoughts…

Thank God for words. Thank God for people.

#1170 School helper

Today I got my green sticker on.

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I was a parent helper at baby girl’s school.

I thought it was timely when some weeks ago we were asked via newsletter if any parents could volunteer their time to help out our kiddies class, once or twice a week.

I thought it was the perfect opportunity. With working finishing up soon, and being at such an impressionable age of prep, I felt it was important to baby girl that I show up… more than just at drop-off and pick-up.

And hey, it is a luxury at the moment, right? I might find myself doing something in a few months time where I can’t volunteer any free time to helping out, and then I’ll be bemoaning it and thinking back to that time we were in the Hall and I was telling the kids to keep their feet together while they jump…

🙂

Which was today. It was great to be there and look out for her, as well as be a part of school ‘things’ and watch how they learn and progress. I enjoyed the community aspect, and valued the time I was able to almost, be a fly on the wall.

So, I will help as long as I can. ♥

#1169 Philosophy and the Drive Home

Another drive home from being out, and another philosophical D&M.

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Photo by Luigi Manga on Unsplash

The ingredients for this baked matter that seems to happen almost on a weekly basis now?

A dash of a day of drinking

A heavy sprinkle of a long drive home

And almost a necessity, 1 full cup of a sleeping baby girl in the back seat.

“Imagine Mister F.” Hubbie is giving me an example on his latest ‘thing.’

“Mister F is so scared when he hears our heavy footsteps around the house, or we close a door suddenly… imagine what he went through before coming to us to feel and act like that.”

He goes on. “Now imagine I hold that against him. I hold that weakness, that insecurity against him. I should be helping him! Reassuring him. It’s not his fault.”

I pause. “Yeah but Mister F is not attacking me is he? It’s a lot easier to help someone that is scared and isn’t out to get you… but take someone who is having a go at you, and how likely are you to want to help them out of love and care? How easy is it then?”

Clearly, we are not in Kansas anymore Toto, just as we clearly are not solely talking about our cat’s fear of our footsteps.

We are talking about something else entirely.

And in this scenario…. he is being the peacekeeper. The lover. The diffuser.

And meanwhile, I am being the fighter. Throwing Karma back in people’s faces. Going all “GRRR, ARGH!”

We are on polar opposites of this discussion.

As we drive, it literally feels like I am ripping my hair out. It drives me insane that we are on these opposite ends, and still, I understand where he is coming from, I see the peace inherent in adopting such an attitude…

I just can’t get there, myself, personally… YET.

Because I want to, just as much as I don’t want to, and this is where the battle lies. The battle with making people pay, making them hurt as much as they have hurt you… yeah sure, very ‘un-gratitude like’ for me, but some people just push my buttons, and unfortunately I can’t just press a special red button and expel them from the earth’s atmosphere. So yeah. That’s me in a really RAW nutshell.

But I listen to him. I imagine the scenarios. And though it shits me to no end, I still enjoy these talks. These debates. These to’s, and fro’s.

These talks that make us open our eyes, better ourselves, and want something more.

All when we are driving home in the car. Who said long drives were boring?

In an aside… what do YOU think?

Can you see yourself helping someone who has hindered you and hurt you? Who has failed to say sorry?

Can you move past that, forget it all, and treat them, well? With no recognition of the hurt that has passed?

Even if you feel the respect they owe to you, is all but gone?

Can you be the first to reach out and help them, when they were the first with the right-hand blow?

Could you???

 

 

#1168 Known and New faces on a Saturday night

Tonight was a great night.

Not only did we have one of my closest besties over…

Not only did we ! finally ! get to meet her man…

But there was singing and dancing, something like this:

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A long overdue catch-up full of lots of laughter and craziness, and a decent dose of deep and meaningful, that made up for all the waiting for this time to come…

We hope they felt welcome. 💗

Moreover, “you’re welcome!” (Inside joke, tee hee) 😆😁

#1167 Running in the Rain with baby girl

It is a completely different experience to run in the rain by yourself, as opposed to running in the rain with your child.

Firstly, when you are on your own, you are running FROM the rain. It is all about the end destination, being shelter, and getting away from your current predicament as fast as possible. Typical emotions include anxiety, frustration, and regret at not having taken your umbrella along for the trip.

But when you are with your child… it is all about running IN the rain. Suddenly, the perspective changes from that of getting away from the present moment, to revelling in it. Typical emotions include amusement, joy, and a natural relief in just letting go.

Today, the latter happened for me. As I’ve explored in another post, the rain came exactly as the bell rang. Kids started to go crazy as the rain increased intensity, and parents held their littlies hands tight as they started to run for it.

A girl up ahead giggled as she ran with her Mother… it was infectious, and soon baby girl was laughing out loud.

In amongst the frenzy of kids running in all directions, parents trying to desperately herd their brood as quick as possible to the closest transport, and the rain continuing to come down relentlessly, I glimpsed it. A few moments of slow mo, of pause, as I watched baby girl squint in the rain and laugh at the earthly sensation, and excitedly run beside me like we were going on a journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I did want to get out of the rain, pronto. Mostly because I didn’t know if it would increase to an onslaught as previously experienced.

But, I enjoyed the moment. The journey. Baby girl was not fazed at all. We rushed on to the car, and once the doors were slammed shut behind us in a hurry, I took a big sigh of relief.

Baby girl was grinning wildly behind me. “We’re soaked!” She patted my damp hair, and I had to laugh.

What an adventure ♥

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Photo by Gabriele Diwald on Unsplash

 

#1166 Of Course, it’s working

I sit at my laptop, day after day.

Night after night.

I squeeze in moments at work.

I think about it most of my spare time.

I think about it most of my ‘doing stuff’ time.

I lie in bed and count what I need to write.

I sit on the couch, and remind myself of what I am yet to catch up on my blog.

And I am writing even more now with this online course I am doing.

And simply, I am grateful to report, that the online writing course is working.

It is making me think. Reassess EVERYTHING. See things in a structured light, with themes and 3 acts and narrative questions and high stakes…

I love it. But it has made me realise one massive thing…

I have A LOT of work to do!

But it is my passion, therefore I will happily do it. ♥

 

 

#1165 Shedding

Today was about release.

Acceptance of oneself.

Removing the obstacles.

Clearing the path.

Believing in something greater.

Shedding of the old… like the Autumn leaves…

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And openness, to the new.

In closure, there is always a new door that is opening.

And there is nothing wrong with those leaves that are falling… like Mother Nature, they are part of a cycle, part of us, part of our process of reinvention and growth and renewal.

But change is inevitable, and change is necessary.

Change is good.

And it’s time for my leaves, to come gently cascading down.