I sat on the couch after work, as Hubbie and I aired some grievances.
Not at each other… but at LIFE.
Baby girl was next to me. She wanted to sit as close to me as possible… then she wanted me to cover her with the throw that was draped around me. Soon we were sharing.
It seemed the more heated the conversation between Hubbie and I got, and the more frustrated we became with our topics, the closer she got to me. Soon she was asking to sit on my lap, and I pulled her on top of my crossed legs, covering us with the throw, as my blood continued to boil.
My anxiety rose. I felt I had to practice some deep breathing. All of my insides felt like they had been twisted up and left to untangle, and yet they weren’t… with every word and utterance I only grew more upset and frazzled, as baby girl hugged me and nuzzled her head into my chest.
I took a deep breath.
“She’s gonna fall asleep,” said Hubbie glancing at her.
“No she’s not,” I said dismissively. We kept talking… and as I held her in my arms, I suddenly realised.
She WAS asleep.
Her breathing was deep and ragged. She was totally stuffed. Two nights of school productions had taken it out of her. Here I was, all tense and crazy and mad, heaving up and down and getting shitty with everything… and meanwhile baby girl had not minded.
Had not minded one bit.
She had come up close, for love, for comfort, for my heartbeat… and had fallen asleep in seconds.
I was forced to think. Be present. Breathe more calmly. Hubbie left the room, and I hugged her back. Breathed her in. Remembered when she was a baby, and used to fall asleep on me sometimes, when we were on the couch… oh that’s right, that very couch.
I started to relax. I realised I had never thought she would fall asleep on me again. She was bigger after all. 5 going on 16 as I sometimes say. And yet here she was, loving me, and giving me exactly what I needed, even though I didn’t realise it at the time.
Time out. A chance to step back. Reassess. Most importantly, appreciate the beautiful moment.
I rested my head on hers for a bit and almost fell asleep myself. My hands lay on her school uniform. Her pony tail coming loose and stretched out in front of me.
And I was happy to just BE, with her. ♥