#1576 Day 78 of getting there: the best, bittersweet, bedtime story

“Come on, you have to go to bed! You’re not gonna get as much sleep as usual.”

Baby girl is bouncing on the bed tonight, full of energy.

“I am so excited!”

She is standing on her bed, and is a touch taller than me as I stand on the ground next to her, and envelope her in a big hug.

“I’m excited too!”

She leans back, eyeing me. “Can you tell me a story?”

ERRRR.

MASSIVE stalling technique.

“No book, not now… you want me to tell you a story?”

“Yes!”

“Well go on, sit down…” And as I sit down myself, I am realising I have the best bedtime story of all.

But, names are modified… as per usual. 😉

“Once upon a time, there was a girl called Kandi. And she had the most beautiful daughter, called Karisa.”

Baby girl gasps in happiness.

“But one day, this terrible, horrible virus, took over THE WORLD…”

I find myself getting majorly choked up.

“People can’t go anywhere. They have to stay home. They can’t go to work…”

I am trying to gather myself, but it is too late.

“…They can’t go to school.”

And I am full on sobbing. I am acutely aware of baby girl sitting there watching me, and I’m hoping like hell she isn’t going to break down herself.

“But – ” I force myself to continue. “Karisa is so amazing. Her Mum works from home, and Karisa is a trooper, she’s a superstar. She makes her own breakfast, she brushes her teeth, gets dressed, even brushes her hair some days! She does this every day.”

“She puts on the TV on her own… she does her homework. She is, the best, and her Mum is soooo proud of her.”

I am smiling at baby girl, my cheeks stained with tears.

“Is that the end?”

“No! After all of that, she goes back to school, and she has the best day, no – she has the best DAYS ahead of her ever. She is the best student, and she goes on to change the world.”

The End Beginning…

#1540 Day 42 of getting there: The Wedding Day

Today, we went to a WEDDING.

Now before you all dob me in and I’m dealt with a $1600 fine, let me add that we went to a wedding… in our memories.

We put on our wedding DVD in fact, as it was our anniversary. It made it all the more poignant, seeing all our friends and families around us for one of the biggest day’s of our lives, and knowing that right now, we couldn’t be around ANY of them.

The viewing was magical. We sat down all together, baby girl even put on a white dress for the event (she was upset that she wasn’t there!) and we laughed, we cried.

No I lie. I CRIED.

Of course.

Sharing the viewing with my loved ones today was something truly special… and I’m surprised to realise that this iso thing is making me appreciate, and really get used to, family alone time.

I’m in no rush to get back to the life I used to have, just yet.

Not when I have so much love in the house, and so many memories to keep me happy and warm inside.

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#1486 Train hard, work hard

I had such a good day on Friday. Training assessment and ALL.

I was even feeling full of energy on the last day of the week, after days of tension and nerves over starting at my new job…

But that all ended spectacularly today.

I was so stressed beyond belief this morning, at the onslaught of information coming at me, that it felt like my head was about to explode.

I was so frustrated, so anxious, I even felt like crying.

You see, I was getting A, J, M, X and even 4 to the power of 11 thrown at me, but I didn’t know how to link A to B C D E F G H I and then finally J, was struggling to find the connection between J K L M, and then to find a path between M and X?

Don’t even GO THERE.

(I’m still confused about 4 to the power of 11).

But, somehow, lunch came.

All hail.

And I did what came most naturally to me. I did what helped release tension from my body, and I spoke the words that would make me feel better, regardless of the response.

“I don’t know about you, but I was really struggling this morning.”

To my relief, it wasn’t only me. Others felt my pain. I was so glad I had spoken up, while also berating myself for being so hard on myself…

I have never done this before! Hell, it was guaranteed I’d be ripping my hair out.

Words were shared amongst colleagues, and my load was lessened. And at the end of it all, I got through.

I got through the day.

And that is as good a reason as any, to be grateful. ♥

 

#1456 Pieces of straw

It crossed my mind today that maybe I should give this whole gratitude blog thing a rest.

It was just one of those days, where everything bothered me.

But somewhere in the afternoon I found some things to grasp onto, and keep me going.

A great cappuccino made by Hubbie.

Chocolate. Many pieces.

And then one of my fave movies. I put on –

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God bless art. ALL FORMS. Within minutes I was laughing as Meryl Streep’s character Julia Child was going ga-ga over buttered fish in a French restaurant.

It is an amazing movie, and Streep’s performance is phenomenal.

I think I gravitated towards this movie, and it’s the kind that always picks me up, because it shows the two stories of women who were in a slump in their life, struggling to find a place to belong, went through much difficulty and hardships to get what they wanted, but in the end…

THEY GOT THERE. THEY GOT IT.

I really needed this movie today. I cried with happiness just as much as I did with emotion.

It was the needle that helped me get out of the stack. ♥

#1426 The city trip

We easily could have had a crap day.

We had a few difficult starts that could have turned us sour.

Like the train station parking.

There wasn’t any.

As it was we couldn’t take our regular line into the city because there were replacement buses at certain stops…

And if you have ever had to take a replacement bus in, you will understand why we never ever want to take a replacement bus EVER AGAIN.

So we tried to jump on another train line.

But every car park was full.

We were on holiday time… but the rest of the world was not.

It was a Friday you see. Business hours applied.

We went to one station, couldn’t find parking, before driving up to the next one trying to get lucky.

We did this at three stations before I said “let’s just drive in.”

I remembered the car park I’d gone to with baby girl when we had our Andy show for the last school holidays.

And we just happened to take the scenic route there.

Boy did it bring back memories.

We were driving along Beach Rd in St Kilda, and I was looking at the palm trees, at the houses facing the water…

AND IT HIT ME.

I remembered going there with Hubbie way before baby girl was around, and how we’d look up at the houses and admire them saying “imagine living here by the beach? Imagine that?”

Well we didn’t live by that beach, but now we lived close to a beach.

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All of a sudden our unplanned drive in was becoming a whole lot more.

We arrived at our car parking destination about 2 hours from when we set off. All the pausing and going from one station to the next and then looking for parking had taken ages.

We could have been cranky. We could have been pissed. Instead we stepped out of the old building, so known to us, and went ‘ahhh’ as the humidity of the day hit us and we spied THAT familiar street.

Lygon street. Our old stomping ground.

Oh wow. We were walking and telling baby girl everything. “Mummy and Daddy used to come here all the time… we used to go there… then we would go there… we’ve been there… look that’s changed!”

It was amazing as all the feelings came flooding back. It was a place that at one time in our life we frequented like twice a week… then it changed to once. LOL. We went there so much the trip there was permanently engrained in our minds. The twists and turns of the street, the best parking spots, and who did the best pasta and steak.

(Not necessarily from the pricey side, and if you know Lygon street you know which side of the street that is 😉 )

We stopped to eat lunch at a place we had before, and looking up and down at the greenery on either side of us, I grew misty-eyed.

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I had a revelation.

I even said it aloud: “I could see myself living here.”

Hubbe was shocked. It was a big thing for me to say that. Me, SmikG, so rapt with the beachside that I couldn’t imagine anywhere else.

I clarified… “I love where we live… but one day, maybe in 20 years, I could imagine living here.”

The memories. Oh the MEMORIES! Even sitting at that table, I was reminded that we had sat at that very café and at that very table and had a coffee, right before going on a little trip together pre-baby girl… I reminded Hubbie and he said “Yes, I remember!”

“Where were we going again?”

After throwing out some names which weren’t right, he said it was at a spot on the Peninsula.

FACE PALM. Where we live NOW.

The symmetry was freaking me out.

Lygon Street made me feel right at home. From the bear-shaped pizza for baby girl and the handmade gnocchi for me that melted in my mouth, I was in heaven. I’ve always said I was Italian in another life. I am more than confident of it after today.

We shared a coffee after our tram trek into the city-centre, where I had the most delicious and iconic Melbourne themed chocolate…

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Before we went to where we had planned to all along.

A children’s theatre show.

It was Room on the Broom, a production based off the iconic Australian children’s book. It was a present to baby girl for Christmas after we saw how enthralled in the book she was last year… and so that was the point of our whole trek in.

We did so much before that to get there, and it had been an adventure.

The show in itself was another great adventure.

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But then like so many times before, shit hit the fan.

Baby girl wanted merchandise. A tiny $40 stuffed toy witch, or a $25 stuffed toy cat.

I shouldn’t even mention the money. The money doesn’t matter. It was the principle.

She has LOADS of stuffed toys. Do you think she plays with them?

Noooooooooooooooooooooo.

She started the hysterics. The tantrum built. Cries and shrieks. “No I want it!” Stamping of the foot. It is almost hilarious if it ISN’T happening to you.

We’d done so much to get there. Spent so much. Travelled so far.

And now THIS.

I looked outside the open doors as she cried behind us. People crowded through the foyer, some looking over and others dealing with their own demanding brood.

I could see it – gone was the humidity that had enveloped me during my delicious Pomodoro gnocchi as I sweated it out at 1pm…

Because now at 4pm, it was windy and raining and people were getting drenched outside.

I put my foot down figuratively, told her “NO!” and stomped outside.

And instead of –

“But how the witch wailed

And how the cat spat

When the wind blew so widely

It blew off the hat.” – 

It was –

“How baby girl wailed 

And how her Mum spat

As the wind blew so widely

and her Mum yelled ‘that’s that!'”

LOL.

She cried as we pulled her along through the rain, pelting down on us as we ran towards our tram stop.

“You don’t need another stuffed toy!”

“Yes I do!”

“No you don’t!”

“Yes I do!”

“No you don’t!”

And as we ran, our feet sploshing through puddles and water sinking through our sandals, our arguing turned into banter, and the water on her face was suddenly from the rain, not her tears, as baby girl started to laugh.

“Yes I do!”

We got some much appreciated shelter from a woman holding an umbrella as we waited to cross the road, and within moments, all was well again.

The wild weather could have thrown us off.

The tantrum, the crying and yelling could have put us in a real sour mood.

But it didn’t.

And all of a sudden, we were full circle in our feelings again. 🙂

It was one of those weird days where it was a little bit of everything, but mostly a lot of fun and crazy.

We didn’t let anything unexpected throw us off our main task of having fun, whether it was a long drive, no parking, wild weather or a demanding 6 year old…

Our task was to make memories, with the added bonus of reminiscing past memories.

It was a happy day. ♥

 

 

 

 

#1388 Inside Tuesday Out

Another Tuesday, another movie night!

From our couch.

Another Disney branded film. Inside Out.

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I’d seen the first couple scenes with baby girl a while ago, and that was it.

But tonight it was family viewing time. We ate dinner while watching it from the couch, and as per usual baby girl was comforting me as I did my usual Disney sooky-la-la routine at the movie’s climax.

😭😂

Not as engaging as other Disney films, but still a great one nonetheless.

And it was made all the more better that it was shared with my family. ❤

#1261 Letting it all out

When was the last time you cried?

Let it ALL out?

I don’t mean a pathetic weeping. I am talking a full-fledged, soul-shaking, whole body performance that tremors with the waves of emotions like sea water crashing across the shore.

It’s obviously best done with someone you trust. Someone you love.

Even better perhaps, when you are on the phone.

You can ugly cry all you want. Screw up your eyes and let your snots hang dangerously low, let the teardrops make splatters on your pants, stain your top.

And although the beginning of such a sob session may start off as solemn, downcast, and awfully depressing… something wonderful does come out of it.

Nothing may have changed. Nothing major anyway. Buy you not only gain a different perspective from hearing someone else repeat your words, but you feel somewhat lighter too.

The load has been dispersed. Instead of one huge boulder on your back, the expression of your deepest sadness may have allowed some of that boulder to chip away, and leave instead, large stones.

And the more that you walk along, and on with life, the more likely it is that some of those large stones may slowly start to roll off…

And so on.

Nothing changes overnight… But it is the knowledge of someone lending an ear, while you also let loose, allowing the internal waterfall to pour out, that actually makes all the difference.

#1205 Late night pharmacy

Oh, what a night.

And by no means am I talking about this kind of night:

Rather, I am coming from the time and place of the overly tired-stressed-frustrated-overwhelmed parent, the one who is sooo over it… and it is only Monday.

(Face Palm).

I can assure you, my posts this week will be super short. And therefore, I will now start writing my post in short form, so that you can create the story, yourself.

Super short, punchy sentences.

Ok?

Capiche?

Let’s go.

Baby girl.

Screaming! Pain! Oh the drama!

Crying, sobs.

Infection?

Call doctor.

More cries. Sobs and drama.

Needle? No darling.

Finally, peace.

Takeaway pizza (because drama).

And then doctor.

Check up good…

Urine sample!

?!?!?!?!

Pharmacy open?

Pharmacy CLOSED.

Google!

Pharmacy open over there!

Driving ALL night.

Get medicine.

Force baby girl to drink medicine.

Me…. very, very tired.

#1183 My Thank You on Mother’s Day

The day started with baby girl and I in bed.

It ended with baby girl and I in bed.

The beds were different.

And much of the in-between, was frustrating and crap.

Yes. I know it was Mother’s Day.

I have one. I am one. I have the best ones, around me.

But things have just been too hard lately.

Too frustrating. Too sad. I got mad/frustrated/sad umpteen billion times today. I cried about the same amount, and said “you are f&%king kidding me” another 57 times.

There was definitely good in the day. I had really great moments, with my whole family, and tried to pay the most amount of gratitude and appreciation to my own Mum, with all she has done for me and my family in my life…

While still having, this really crappy day.

The morning started off with baby girl coming upstairs to where I was sleeping. Hubbie had already gotten up. I had instructed her clearly yesterday, several times, “do not wake me up early tomorrow, I am sleeping in… it is Mother’s day.”

She came up, and coming over to my side of the bed, tapped my shoulder (I was pretending to still be asleep) and whispered “Mama… I just wanted to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day…” before placing a gentle kiss on my cheek.

She climbed into bed with me, and it was now 8:50am. I told her to sleep. Of course we didn’t sleep.

We found ourselves soon sitting up in bed and chatting. And that was my lovely start to the day. ♥♥

Because this is a gratitude journal, I will just say –

<INSERT CRAPPY PARTS OF THE DAY HERE>

And come back to the end of the day. This time, her bed. We had literally just had an argument within the last half hour. She knew, that I was pissed. I sat on the bed as she snuggled inside the covers, but sat up when she saw my face.

I was just staring at her.

“Mama… what you wanna say?”

I sighed.

“I want to say… that no matter what happened today, Mummy has a very big thing to tell you.”

“What?”

Tears started welling up, and she was probably thinking I was going to lose it for the 1001th time that day.

“I want to thank you soooo much, for making me a Mummy.”

We hugged, and suddenly, she was crying too. She was crying because I was crying. We were both there crying and I was telling her it’s okay, and then Hubbie heard us and wanted to join the party, entering and giving us a big bear hug as we sat there, enveloped in a hug and crying into each other’s arms, but of course he was not crying, he was LAUGHING.

Typical Dad.

And that is it. If only life were as simple as the good moments, right?

But life cannot be simply reduced to just the best and happiest moments of our day.

But as I try again and again here, they can be something we try our best to focus on, the most. ♥♥♥♥

#1171 Lovely in the sun

I found myself a bit overwhelmed by life this morning. So much so that when baby girl had a fairly decent ‘moment,’ that seemingly appeared out of nowhere and had me wiping away her tears in front of her class, before walking away when she was settled and then wiping away my own… well let’s just say that problematic thoughts kind of took over.

I had so much to do, things were upsetting me, I was trying to stay in control… it was too much. I looked out to sea as I drove along the Esplanade, thinking how much I wanted to get out and stare at the water.

“Do it,” a voice whispered.

But I have so much to do… I told myself. And now I’m sad.

Still, I faltered. I pondered my options, as if I were hopping from one foot to the next, and when I got to the familiar clearing amongst trees and saw there were no cars approaching, I spontaneously turned in.

Grabbed my phone and keys. Left my bag in the car. Walked with my not-appropriate for gravel/sand boots over to the table and bench that was free.

Waiting for me.

And I sat, and I stared.

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It was post 9am and sunny in April, so people were taking advantage. They were out and about. I dared not turn as I heard runners crunching on the gravel behind me. To and fro they moved, some silent, some making quiet conversation to their partner, when suddenly…

“Morning!” A voice clearly directed at me startled my Bay-stare, and I turned quickly, compelled to answer immediately.

“Morning!” I replied. He smiled, this short, yet fit 50-something man, charging happily on his lonesome past me. “Lovely in the sun?!”

“Yep it sure is lovely,” I replied. I smiled as he walked off, grateful that someone had snapped me out of my listless watching.

Lovely in the sun… had it been a fact, or a question? A friendly greeting, or a check in to see if I was ok?

Yes it was lovely in the sun… the sun allowed light to bathe us and take us out of darkness, but sometimes that light failed to penetrate deep to our thoughts…

Thank God for words. Thank God for people.