#1100 Saucy-ness

Of course with a milestone such as 1100 ∧∧∧

Surely I have an equal or greater than milestone of my own to be grateful about?

Yes, yes I do. It is HUGE.

Baby girl, wait for it…

Had sauce on top of her pasta today!

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A bolognaise sauce! 

This girl LOVES her pasta. Go here for visual evidence of just how much she loves it.

But since the age of about 2, something happened. Something that most parents warned me might likely happen…

She started getting fussy with her foods. And where she used to eat sauce soaked through her pasta, it was suddenly –

SAUCE NO MORE.

I have always suggested it as a side dish to her, without being too forceful or stressed about it. I knew the day would come when she would come back to it, and in the meantime allowed her to play, swish it around on her plate, and occasionally dip a carb or meat component into it to get used to the flavour again…

But tonight! Tonight of her own accord, watching her Dad swirl his bolognaise-covered pasta around on his fork, she thought to move the sauce so perfectly in its corner of her plate…

To on top of the spaghetti.

Then, wait for it…

“MORE SAUCE!”

She said this like half a dozen times, and I was just staring IN AWE.

She demolished it. I actually, clapped.

(Mouth aghast!)

I think she realised, as the saying goes, what she’s been missing out on all these years.

Sauce. I am loving those saucy lips 🙂

 

#1081 The first day

Oh man. What a day.

Such anticipation.

Such excitement.

Such hesitation.

Such nerves.

Such anxiety.

Such BIG FAT TEARS.

And it was ALL me.

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Why does our mind play tricks on us? Play silly games, and make us want to sob even harder when all I am trying to do is pull a very-watery poker face?

Watching her walk into the classroom with the other students, it asks me “look how she has grown. She used to be sooo small.”

Sob.

Walking away from the school. Regret. “It went too fast… you didn’t get to take a photo with her there.”

Sob.

Drowning my bittersweet sorrows with Hubbie over strong coffee. Our eyes are glistening. I verbalise my thoughts.

“Remember when she was born, and how she entered the world all curious, looking around the room?”

I then looked up to the bright blue sky, and proceeded to –

SOB SOB SOB.

It has been a day of the pendulum swinging one way, and thenveryquickly swinging back again.

And I have to say, with this emotional roller coaster, I am so glad the first day jitters are over.

For both of us.

When we picked her up, she saw us and ran forward excitedly.

And in that moment I realised that my silly fears were unjustified. Sure she would grow. Sure she would learn and develop, change, as every person on this planet continues to as we go through life.

But she will always be our beautiful, caring, happy, loving girl.

She will forever be, our baby girl. ♥♥♥

#1080 The day before prep

I didn’t think I would be too bad. We even bought school shoes this morning and everything, and yet no overwhelming emotion struck me at what the next day held…

I thought, ‘I am going to be ok.’

It didn’t hit me, until I was at the Coles check out.

Baby girl started to squirm and bounce around a little, and before I verbalised the feared signs I knew so well, she told me she needed the loo.

I had just unloaded all our shopping onto the conveyor belt. There was a lady being served in front of me, but she was with her elderly mother who was in a wheelchair, and had groceries of her own she was paying for, and was then divvying up her mother’s groceries, so that it was taking some time for the check out guy to work it all out.

I hesitated. For a moment, I questioned…

‘Should I let her go to the toilets alone?’

It was a mini shopping centre we frequented weekly, if not more often. Baby girl knew where they were. She wouldn’t get lost, surely.

But there were so many people that day. It was packed, being the last day of holidays for so many… Mums and Dads and kids and grannies and grandads, all milling around like chains and locks were going to be wrapped around the shopping centre’s entrance the next day.

I pondered it, for a few moments. I even asked baby girl how she felt about going on her own.

But then I realised, strongly. HELL NO. She was 5. Regardless of that… I could not let her go.

I explained to the check out guy I had to take baby girl to the toilets, and amazingly we were back in time as the two ladies finished up and he started setting up my reusable bags.

But the grocery shopping, or the toilets, wasn’t EVEN the point.

I was suddenly filled with anxiety, dread, fear and paranoia, all at once.

I could not let her go… but I had to.

I saw that the contemplation of letting her go a couple hundred metres on her own, had filled me with such unease, but it was a situation that was completely unavoidable.

Because at one stage or another, I had to let her go. And suddenly, my time was up.

Because tomorrow is the start of prep.

Most of the day has been spent preparing for it. In between ironing on labels to her school clothes, I’ve spent the other moments just staring at her with a frozen smile, willing her face at that time into my memory forever.

Setting up her lunchbox and bag, and then playing with her, letting her drag it out for another minute, then another minute…

Telling her how proud we are of her…

And then bursting into tears the next minute.

Get a grip! I told myself. You are picking her up at 12:30! After the half-days, you will still be together from 3:30!

But I can’t kid myself. It’s not just the time. It’s the beautiful moments shared. The slow wake-ups together, the kisses and cuddles in bed… her asking me what the plans are for the day, and me surprising her with promises of babycino café visits or the beach.

It’s all the little moments. It’s not even anything momentous or eventful. It’s the everyday occurrences, which will be replaced by routine, and order, and responsibility…

And she will be exposed to people, environments, and things that I can not control.

It scares me.

I am excited by what is to come for her, for us… really I am.

But I am so afraid, that the innocence in her that I have loved, and nurtured, and seen thrive… will be lost.

Will she change? Will she be the same?

What will this new life stage bring?

So much happiness has come before us, and I am terrified it will end.

Friendships might change her.

Harsh truths will be learnt.

Tears will be shed.

And I am freaking out about it all.

I don’t even know how this is a gratitude post, other than to say this day before prep, was a beautiful one. Telling each other how much we love one another… and now the tears won’t stop rolling, so I think it’s time I go.

Wish me her luck.

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#1076 The (ice cream) shop before school starts

I wasn’t only preoccupied with thoughts of navy navy navy.

Navy polo shirts.

Navy hair ties.

Navy socks.

Freaking navy skorts.

I had something else on my mind as we bought a whole lot of stuff for baby girl’s imminent primary school start next week.

I was thinking, ‘this is it.’

The shopping outings during the week, hand in hand.

Baby girl encouraging me to ‘buy that dress’ (I love this girl ♥ )

Deciding whether it is rice, or a happy meal that day?

Coffee breaks.

Talking about just “one more really small toy” that she would like to get.

And, cold and soothing ice cream breaks.

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I told her I had a surprise for her as I took her to Twisted Sista. She screamed out loud, no hesitation as she saw the extravagantly twisted ice creams with lavish and brightly coloured toppings through the glass display.

I love how she was sooo excited. Her happiness completely unrestrained.

Baby girl, take your time growing up. There is plenty of time for everything.

I am happy for her to act so childlike, because she is after all, a child. My child, growing up, and heading off into school in 5 days time.

I savoured the moment as we sat at the table, slurping our ice creams, and saying “it’s good.”

It was good in every way. ♥

 

#1038 Reminiscing on kinder days.

Today wasn’t as bittersweet as I thought.

Because I focused on the sugar.

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I love all the colour. Her unicorn backpack. 🦄🎒 Soon it will be navy, with the rest of her standard uniform… gone the wear-what-you-like, heart leggings and butterfly top days.  ❤️🦋

I love the freedom. Walking into class, with 5 different activities and games happening in different corners. The kids choose as they please, but next year there will be structure, and the choice will be offered within strict parameters.

I love the size. 20 or so kids, and 20 or so parents…

when next year it is them, versus the SCHOOL. 🏫

I love the teachers. They have helped her grow and mature. When I wasn’t around to settle a sore finger or bruised knee, they sat with her as she cried. 😢💔

And the trees… how I adore them. 😍🌳🌳🌳

I say ‘I love,’ but now it is really, “I loved.”

Because the kinder days are officially over.🔚

 

 

#1031 What she said no. 10

It’s been one of those crazy, busy, anything-can-happen-at-any moment days.

So when I vomited for the 5th time today (food-related, random bug or both, you take your pick) and baby girl said to me softly –

“Mama it’s OK, you’ll get better, don’t worry anything you need I’m here” –

with those big round gentle imploring eyes of hers, I thought –

‘Damn. I’m actually grateful for those words.’

Then I went and barfed again.

 

#1026 Kinder photos from the past year

It’s an early post for me today, but sometimes you know in your heart of hearts, what you will think about for days, weeks, even months later, when you look back at a certain day.

And I know what I will think of when I look back on today.

It was the most beautiful day at baby girl’s kinder for her informal graduation ceremony, and Christmas family day. It was an early one this year, because the kindergarten teacher will be off overseas soon, and so they held the party today.

Never mind I am already having kinder withdrawals with 2 weeks to go. Not only will I miss the place terribly, the innocent culture, the amazing teachers, the kids, the community vibe… but I will miss their greenery.

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After the kids sang some very sweet songs and Christmas songs to the parents, and were presented individually with a group photo congratulating them on their kindergarten participation, we took a couple of graduation hat photos, before heading off home with all her Christmas presents and goodies from the day.

I went through one of the bags at home. She had received book upon book upon book. I instructed her to put them under the Christmas tree, and she promptly did so, as I came upon an envelope…

I peered inside.

There were photos.

As I started to pull them out, I gasped, and burst into tears.

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It was tears of happiness. Tears of gratitude. Giant, sobbing, shoulder-heaving tears. I went through the photos, only half a dozen, but photos that showed my daughter playing at kinder. Interacting with others. Playing with her friends. Mucking about on the slide. Posing in capes.

I tearfully went through each one, pouring over it enthusiastically while trying to gain an inside glimpse of her kindergarten life from the brief snapshots I had.

They were soooo valuable to me… because baby girl rarely tells me what happens at kinder.

She will tell me dribs and drabs. Who she sat next to for lunch. Whether she had a turn on the spiderweb swing or not. How many times she went to the loo. She seems persistent to not tell me much at all, and though I try to find ways to ease the information out of her, and the teachers put up photos of their various activities week in and week out, I still don’t get the feedback I so crave.

Which is why I figuratively clutched the photos to my heart when I saw them.

It was a build up of everything. How far she had come. How far she had grown. Where she had started when she started there last year, to today, standing front row during the  songs and singing loudly “there’s a reindeer on my roof!”

I am so happy today. So proud. Time goes on, and sometimes it goes slow, yet sometimes it goes fast…

And it’s on days like today, these brief glimpses within our lives, where we look back and say “wow. Here we are.”

Here we are. ♥