#2415 The big reveal

Exactly 10 weeks ago, something huge happened.

It was momentous. Unbelievable. It felt like a miracle.

It was a miracle.

An online dictionary states the meaning of miracle as: “an extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore attributed to a divine agency.”

Well, maybe some parts were explicable, but if you knew the whole story, you yourself would call it a kind of miracle.

A kind of magic, as my friend Freddie Mercury says.

On this miraculous day forwards, I started to let people know in a series of codes that something was up with me, in my life, but by not actually telling them that something was up. πŸ€”

On the day in question, I called both my Mum and my sister. I wanted to talk to them, to hear their voice, for them to hear my voice. I had planned this, I had planned this all again… if I couldn’t see them on this momentous day, then I would at least talk to them over the phone, and tell them in my own hidden code way, speaking happily and easily, that things had finally turned.

Then I turned on my friends. I deliberately started picking words for my wordle night centred around a certain ‘theme.’ This was also a pre-planned event, something I had thought about for months before it actually happened. This went on for 9 weeks, and only in the last few days have they all found out the news, and my little wordle plan, tee hee hee.

I will now reveal that I also told you. ALL OF YOU. Exactly 10 weeks ago on this day, I started to say something.

Let me take you back there.

I penned a post, titled “Time for a poem.” Now this post wasn’t just marked under my “Gratitude” category, like every other post, it was also marked as “Special Edition” for a reason.

I have dabbled in poetry in the past, that is true. However this was a poem, a plan I had for a long time before this beautiful day came along. I always knew I was going to tell you, you, and you in code, and so I sat down, my mind reeling, my life changed for the better, hesitant and unsure and excited and cautious and scared and every emotion, but also HOPEFUL.

So freaking darn hopeful as I always have been.

And I wrote.

You need to look closely at the poem… I will screenshot it for you now.

If you take the first letter of each sentence (not line, sentence), you will see it spells something…

IMIGHTJUSTBE…

I might just be…

And on the following night, I finished my current poetry slam as I called it. Here are the screenshots again:

PREGNANT.

I MIGHT JUST BE… PREGNANT.

And I was.

I had done the home test the first night, and by the second day where I did my part 2 poetry slam, it had been confirmed via blood test. I was pregnant.

Words and emotions cannot even begin to describe how I felt. I’d been so cautious and nervous and tentative in those early days and weeks, and I think because of this my emotions now spill over, crying from happiness easily, at the drop of a bib, a baby mention, a thought about the beautiful future… all my happiness and love and gratitude is now spilling over.

When I began my gratitude journey all those years ago, I had no idea then that one of my biggest tests was to be this one: falling pregnant. I had no idea what lay in store, and perhaps it’s better I didn’t. I’ve gone down paths I never thought I would, seen people I’d never imagined, felt the depth of human emotion, and wished and hoped and prayed like I never had before.

After that day I kept dropping hints to you all, though these were teeny-tiny! Here are some of them:

In #2363 I wrote about looking forwards and how things were dragging. They were. I was desperate to get to at least 8 weeks (my self-determined first safe spot) and I also wrote about being tired, which I was then… very, very tired. Early pregnancy symptoms.

In #2364 I wrote of symmetry. The entire post is relevant, but my final line I love most: “As if there was ever any doubt.”

In #2365 I was overcome with fatigue and had to lie down. I never lie down during the day unless I am sick… or pregnant. πŸ˜‰

In #2366 that ‘miracle’ word pops up when I talk about mother nature and sunsets. The metaphor is there.

In #2367 I was at my parents and enjoyed some home-made Sarma, known to non-Balkans as meat stuffed cabbage rolls, and oh my God me and baby loved it. I am loving salty foods from way back then, and the Sarma was just so agreeable to me! OMG!

In #2371 I was counting down, not just to the end of winter, but to telling my family and friends, and to getting to the end of the first trimester. A clue appears at the end of this post: “baby steps.” 😁

In #2375 I saw a heap of rainbows that day. They are a definite sign for me, and seeing the amount of them that I have since finding out I’m pregnant, has confirmed for me how true that is.

In #2378 I wrote “Her surprises.” The presents I spoke of that we bought for baby girl, were actually big sister items, and we told her that night that she was going to be a big sister.

She’s been loving and kissing my belly since, and I already know how lucky this baby will be to have her. πŸ’–πŸ’–

In #2380 we saw 4 rainbows…. 4! More beautiful signs that things were progressing nicely. “That HAS to mean that better times are ahead.”

In #2388 I wrote of nicer things that were to come. My last line “At least things are still shining.”

In #2389 I wrote of my love for the Madonna song ‘Rain.’ There’s this quote, well there are many quotes that have actually saved me during this journey, but one that I am able to truly feel now is the quote

“Go laugh in the places you’ve cried. Change the narrative.”

I’ve cried through so many songs, and this song of release, with the metaphor of rain and storms, hit me in a different way.

“The last time I had listened to it I was different. The last time I had written about it I was different. Today, again different. I thought about life, the unexpected beautiful and difficult things that hit us in the face, throwing us off balance, I guess, a bit like unexpected rain.”

‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… it’s about learning to dance in the rain.’

πŸ™

In #2396 I wrote about watching the Elvis movie with two of my friends. I mentioned needing super-comfy pants, and I couldn’t have felt this more. After a filling dinner, and being 11 weeks pregnant, I needed my trakkies so bad, but obviously still was wearing and able to fit into my jeans (barely), so in the dark of the cinema actually unzipped my jeans and popped my button so I could breathe and not be in pain for 2 and a half hours! I don’t think my friends saw a thing. πŸ˜¬πŸ˜†

In #2397 I wrote about “Family abundance.” This is the night we told my parents and sister’s fam that we were expecting. Happy screams, shock and wonder filled the air!

In #2398 I wrote “We are so close!” It was the last day of July, and I was excited about August and ALL that it would bring.

Spring begins to spring forth.

I for one, amΒ soooΒ ready for this next stage.

BRING IT ON!”

In #2399 I spoke of my love for August.

“Everything in abundance. Happy times, happiness, everything growing in happiness.”Β (Including my belly!)

In #2400 I said “Just because.” An important blood test came back good, and I was crying from happiness, just sobbing. All the tension and unknowningness and uncertainty that had been plaguing me just went away. I was so unbelievably light and happy.

“I had aΒ reallyΒ good day. I feel like things are starting to fall into place, for me, for my family, and just living in and appreciating, relishing this every moment, makes me so happy, makes my heart full.”

In #2402 I talked about the cakes that I ordered for mine and baby girl’s birthdays… only thing is, mine was a baby reveal cake! We were going to announce our pregnancy during cake time for our birthday.

“My cake is the one I’m a little more excited about.”

How true that was! πŸ˜†πŸ˜

In #2405 I wrote “Better here than there.” Better to be busy and running around for something great, than to be like we were the last two years, sad and in lockdown.

“This year isΒ soooΒ different, and despite the busy-ness and the craziness of it, I am so grateful for it also.”

Well, now you know why it’s so different, and it’s not just because lockdowns are over!

In #2406 I said decorations were off my to-do list, and said “We got some really special, nice ones.”

Along with the baby reveal cake, we got balloons that said ‘Oh baby,’ ‘Baby’ and one that had a young girl and read ‘I’m going to be a big sister.’

!!!!

#2411 was our HUGE day. Our close family and friends finally found out. And at the end of my post, after writing about hope, not losing it, and hanging on, I said it “was a big, and very special day.”

The day after in #2412 we told more people via phone who hadn’t been able to be there, dear family and friends. Therefore, “Spreading good news.” πŸ’–πŸ’–

And that leads us to here! This moment, this reveal, this announcement. πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

I am beyond happy. I also have a lot to share, and I’m still working out how to say it. Whether I say it via this blogging forum, or whether I write about it in another format, be sure that this is a subject I’ve learnt a lot about, having first-hand experience of all the trials and tribulations, and therefore have a lot of very strong opinions as well as hard facts from my own life.

I will end on this. You never know what is going on in someone’s life. Don’t be nosy. Don’t be rude.

Be kind. Be a friend. Be there for them. That is the best thing you can possibly do. If you do that and they need you, trust me, they will reach out.

I have of tonne of thank yous to make. Many of you reading this will get them in the coming months.

But first of all, for joining me on this incredibly hard but very rewarding journey… a big thank you.

We’ve only just begun. πŸ™πŸ’–πŸ€°πŸ€°

#2391 Sunny Sunday in July

Today was one of those surprisingly beautiful Winter days, where even if you weren’t feeling the best, you couldn’t help but feel good.

Hubbie did some home renos, while I pottered about, pruning, nay, HACKING the rose bush right back, and discovering that our transplanted rose that hasn’t had the best growth over the last year since moving, is actually sporting a whole new tiny rose bush at the base. 🌹

We had a beautiful late afternoon walk to the park, where baby girl let off some steam and energy. The sun was still and the sky was sparkling, it was just perfect.

And then at home, I punctured the quiet serenity by screaming my head off and giving myself a headache (not an exaggeration) while watching Collingwood play. It was absolutely rewarding, because they won, literally as the final siren rang. They won!

And now I have a headache and a very tired body to show for it. πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ

But all in all, a beautiful Sunday. 🌞

#2388 July sunshine and sunsets

It’s been really nice to have sunshine streaming through the windows lately.

It reminds me of nicer things that are to come.

And then the skies in the evening… look I have nothing else to post, so bear with me. This is the only highlight of my day:

Ahh. That pretty sky. Sunshine during the day, then the glow at night. At least things are still shining. 🀩

#2378 Her surprises

During the holidays we organised some surprises to arrive for baby girl, to brighten up this cold, dark Winter.

As per the norm nowadays, they didn’t arrive during the holidays, they arrived on the first day back at school… today.

It didn’t matter. We gave them to her tonight, and she was surprised, shocked, then overjoyed with some books, some clothes, and some artwork.

On a cold Monday night in July, we made the evening special. For us all. πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

#2343 The 6th day of Winter

As I write this, the wind is squealing outside.

Forecasters predict that temps will be 2 to 5 degrees cooler than the average June Winter temperature.

πŸ₯ΆπŸ₯ΆπŸ₯ΆπŸ₯Ά

But we are here. In Winter. Dealing with it.

And I’d much rather be in it and dealing with it, because, I hate the process of approaching Winter.

Summer is fantastic. Summer is Saturday. Summer is the party. πŸ₯³πŸ₯³

Spring is great. Spring is Friday. Spring is when you plan your weekend. 😁

Even Winter is somewhat bearable. Shit and freezing cold, but bearable.

Winter is Monday. Yeah Monday is hard, but when you get up on Monday, you are able to somewhat get by with a super strong extra large coffee. Then you breathe out, and ahhh.

As you progress through Winter, it’s like you’re progressing through the weekdays…

July is Tuesday and Wednesday, and then August is Thursday. πŸ˜€

Hope springs forth. πŸͺ„

So, Winter is a bit like a hangover. πŸ˜’

But Autumn… oh God. I am in a state of mourning come March. It also gets worse as the Autumnal months progress. And I love Autumn, for the trees, the falling leaves, the beautiful colours in nature abundant!

But damn it, knowing that Winter is coming, is just plain depressing.

You know what day of the week Autumn is?

SUNDAY.

Sunday is worse than Monday!

And so these are the times we’re in right now… we’re at Monday, rugged up with three layers, knocking back the warm drinks, reminding ourselves that we are here, we’ve done it before, it’s not that bad (it’s not that bad) and we have the opportunity to chill, stay indoors, catch up on reading and home projects, Netflix all the days, and do all those kinds of things that make us feel guilty at sunnier times of year, while hibernating like a bear and sleeping as much as we can too.

Cheers to Monday. β˜•β˜• It’ll be Tuesday before we know it. πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰

#1981 Lockdown sleep

I had this thought like the night before baby girl started Term 3 of school.

So, last Sunday night.

“Hmm, so no lockdown? This will be a LONG term. No public holidays. But she’s back at school… So that’s good.

That’s good.”

Next minute?

LOCKDOWN!

But we need to look at the positives. Like sleep. Sleeping in, that is. Because when I’m not getting up for work, I am actually sleeping in to late morning with her, and it’s the only saviour in this Winter July Lockdown, that has no definite end date, while I am agonised during the day with home-schooling.

πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ

You know, I am doing an extra job! A job I haven’t been trained in, that I am not paid for, and a job that is made much worse because I am her mother, not her teacher…

Do you know the stuff they get away with because they’re at home? Do you know the number of times I’ve said to her “Would you do/say/be like that in front of your teacher?”

And the response I get?

“No.”

No! That’s right, the smart-arsed difficult replies are reserved to only me, the parent, because I know so clearly what I am doing!

I DON’T!

But this is turning into more of a whinge, so let’s go back. The sleep.

Yes, the sleep.

Ahhh.

Or more…

Zzzzzz.

#1977 Can anybody find me…

In the words of the late, great, genius Freddie Mercury…

“Can anybody find me…

Something to be grateful for?”

Or something to that effect.

Oh man. Victorian lockdown number 5.

πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ

This sucks majorly. I understand there are greater issues and problems at play here, but it’s still ok to be pissed. It’s ok to be upset that once again, everything in our schedules has changed. Shifted. Pressure mounted. Responsibilities added.

There are so many people who are suffering financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, that the addition of yet another lockdown brings so much angst. Plans are changed, and though at surface level it all appears to be just a ‘simple inconvenience,’ many of us count on seeing our friends and family, to lift our spirits, to get us through hard times, to be amongst loved ones so that we’re not lonely.

Some of us just need a bloody break, and another lockdown to keep us away from all that we love is the icing on the cake, or in this case, the horse poo on the top of the pig vomit.

There has to be another way to avoid this. We can’t just change everything and halt life every time a couple of cases roll into town. There has to be another way.

And yeah, I know, look at NSW. I don’t wanna be like NSW at all. No offence guys. We’ve been there, done that, for 5 months of last year that was quite frankly soul-destroying.

So yeah, NAH.

But enough on my soapbox. Yeah, I’m a bit over it all…

But in true Freddie fashion, I did find something to love (or be grateful for) after all.

It’s July 15th folks! We are officially half-way through Winter!

And although there are still other worldly problems larger at hand, making the coldest season of the year pale in comparison, knowing that the trend of lockdown tends to go down the warmer the months get…

See, see?

It’s something. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ

#1963 July sky

I got home from dropping off baby girl at gymnastics this evening, to find this:

What a truly glorious and bright sunset. And it’s July. July 1st, we are down one month of Winter, and look at that sky!

Did you feel the warmth today? Did it feel good? Those positive rays shining down on you?

I’m beginning to feel like anything is possible… even in Winter.

This evening’s sky proved that. πŸ˜πŸŒ…

#1953 One of my fave Winter days

Today is one of my favourite Winter days.

June 21st.

It sits nicely amongst other fave Winter days, and the unifying theme is all about hope. Hope, and happiness.

So, what are my fave Winter days? I never thought you’d ask.

June 1st is first. There is so much dread and anxiety approaching the coldest season of the year, that honestly having the day tick over to Winter is a RELIEF. The waiting is over, and most of the time, it ain’t that bad.

And also, this year was really not that bad at all. You know what’s bad? Covid, and LOCKDOWNS. But Winter? Nah. Chuck on a jacket and go outside with your freedom.

June 10th. This is my sister’s birthday, and so it comes to reason I love it because she’s one of my favourite people. πŸ’–πŸ’–

The end of June is great. We are a month down of Winter! July 15th is a similar reason, in that it’s halfway through Winter, and then end of July, we’re two months done peeps! I consider August HALF-Winter, LOL.

And speaking of August, there is mine and baby girl’s birthdays, including that of everyone I know in my life, pretty much, almost. And I say time and time again, come our birthday, and Spring is in the air, I SWEAR. I will fight this to the end guys.

So, what’s so spesh about June 21st?

Two things, really. Kinda three.

Our engagement anniversary. 13 years ago we had a terrific celebration where our families and friends united for one amazing, joy-filled, hopeful night. Full of happiness, dance, laughter, and great memories.

The second reason is it’s the Winter solstice. The shortest day of the year! So from here on out, the days will incrementally start getting longer, oh-so-small at first but it will be there.

An aside from the Winter solstice is the meaning behind it. Our number three. The spiritual significance of the day has to do with the dark making way for the increasing lighter days, with renewal and rebirth both major themes.

I absolutely love this, and so every year I look forward to it with excitement.

I was lucky in that I had the opportunity to engage in self-care on such a day, a day when your intentions and what you put out into the Universe is paramount. I walked, I worked out. I had coffee, made a warm breakfast. I read, I wrote, I sat in the sun, and I also chilled, like watched TV, so, so peacefully.

It is a day of hope, of promise, and after losing a lot of hope for so long, I am feeling like I am starting, very slowly, to gain it back.

And this winter solstice is therefore so timely. 🌞

#1627 Day 129 of getting there: Here comes the sun

Over this last month of winter, every time we’ve had a sunny day, a still day, or a day worthy of breathing “ahh” despite the cold, I’ve had the same lyric waft through my head.

“Here comes the sun…”

Lately, it’s getting stronger.

It’s from Madonna’s song, ‘Rain.’ It’s one of my many favourites of hers. Not just because she sings it, but rain itself is a dominant, spiritual, natural theme in my life that I draw on time and time again.

It’s cyclic emergence, and subsequent meaning, is so important to me.

And although she sings about rain, with the downpour of it being a release of emotions, she then goes on to sing about the sun.

“Here comes the sun,

Here comes the sun,

And I say,

Never go away.”

Here comes the sun

It’s a little like my yin and yang post from the other day. We need a balance don’t we? Life can’t exist with just sunshine, with just rain…

But at the same time, we’ve had so much rain in our life lately.

Rain in the form of winter.

Rain in the form of crap raining down on us.

Rain in the fact that life is a lot harder for us than it used to be.

Rain in that it is absolutely guaranteed that we are collectively struggling in one form or another.

It’s metaphoric connotation is HUGE.

Today, I didn’t wear my jacket as I headed off to do the groceries. Sure it was a little fresh, but generally, I was okay.

The sun was out.

I felt the difference. It happens sometimes in late July. There will be a couple of sunshine-y days, and you can just tell, that slight shift to crisp, bright, Spring days, is just around the corner.

You can almost smell it.

I am soooo grateful. I can feel it.

“Here comes the sun…”