#864 June Full Moon

I know not why things are as they are.

I know not why the skies are darker, and the stars shine brighter over our house.

I know not why some people have it easy, and others hard.

I know not why things come to us when we least expect them.

And I certainly know not why when you search and yearn and forage for others, our discovery remains lost.

Tonight there is an approaching Full Moon.

I know not why I felt vibrations within my body. Was it the Shaman running her energy over me, or something greater?

I know not why I left work in such a hurry, horrified by privacy breaches and in shock over possible exposure.

And finally, I know not why there was fuel in our house, fire and explosions and all manner of drama.

I know not why these things happened tonight, out of all nights.

There are many things I can’t explain.

But I can only go by how I feel, and what I do KNOW. And I do know that the presence of the Moon, so big and bright over our house, our town, our city, has this effect on not just me, but on everybody.

So, Full Moon. Cast your spell. Shine your light bright. But make it worth our while.

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#842 Scones and Schnitzel

It’s kinda hard to look for gratitude and try to find small things that make you happy in amongst shitty days, even more so when those shitty days reveal even worser days for others.

How can one complain about smaller issues when they know of family or friends in ill-health or distress?

It actually reminds me of what I used to say after my father-in-law passed away. Here I was, a new Mum to a beautiful baby girl, yet still completely overwhelmed by my new parent role and the life that came with it; and then there was Hubbie, equally besotted by her, while simultaneously still in deep grief over his father’s passing. And sometimes, someone, somewhere, would tell me they were having a bad day.

They would quickly realise their words in my company, and apologise for complaining. They saw in me, in us, in our family, that there were far harder things to go through. To manage. To overcome.

But you know what I would say to them?

“Everyone has their own problems. You shouldn’t feel bad about yours, and feel guilty that they aren’t big enough to cry over. You are allowed to be upset, it’s your life, your problems.”

Sure, little problems in light of big problems become an awareness of the bigger picture, and that enlightenment is major in itself.

But we can’t all be in woe at the same time, can we? Then we wouldn’t have those others around us, less in woe, to pick us up from our sadness…

At this time of my life, I think I’m in a state of ‘less in woe.’

So I’m grateful.

But that isn’t what this gratitude post is about. That in itself is actually huge, more so because I know, and I have felt the comparison of being WHOLEHEARTEDLY in woe.

This is perhaps about the most trivial of things in light of today… baking.

For a week now I’ve been planning on making scones. They seem to make them for any given reason at baby girl’s kindergarten. Parents getting to know each other afternoon tea? SCONES. Mother’s Day? SCONES. Neighbourhood primary school visits? SCONES.

A possum jumps from the gum trees into the yard and shits all over the kids play equipment?

SCONES.

Ok so clearly I am bullshitting with you but you get my drift. I have not made scones in ages, well since we moved here really, and part of that has to do with

  1. kitchen reno, AND
  2. having half my kitchen stuff still in boxes upstairs because I’m waiting on one more damn cupboard (COME ON kitchen guys!) to get made.

I’ve forgotten half of what I do own in the way of bakeware and pans and the like, it’s been that long I’ve seen half of my things. But after repeated reminders by the kinder that both baby girl and I, really enjoy them, well I said to myself “I’ll damn well making them.”

You require next to nothing to make scones after all.

I really wanted to be grateful for them, really I did. And at the end, I was, for some brief moment at the end as I indulged in jam and cream upon pillows on doughy lightness that were apparently ‘café-style’…

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But the ‘before’ was hard, because baby girl was sick you see. I held her back from kinder, quite rich since THAT IS THE PLACE SHE CATCHES ALL HER WEEKLY COLDS FROM.

Not shitty much.

She was weak, tired, and developed a sudden ear ache during the day which had her retreating to the couch often to lie down. I had imagined us making these together with happiness… the most she did was brush the tops with milk.

And then the ‘after’… because as I was trying to enjoy my coffee/scone break, breathing slowly, ALONE, in peace, once baby girl had finished her babycino… I somehow spilt my coffee.

No, it gets worse. ON MY PHONE.

I swore better than a sailor out at sea. OH MY. Baby girl knows her Mum too well, and wasn’t afraid. In fact she came up to me and asked “Mama, you ok?”

Awww.

So instead of being grateful for my scones, the preparation time with baby girl which wasn’t special, and then the clean up which was devastating (I’d let dishes pile up half of the day), I instead became appreciative of something else.

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Hubbie cooked a killer chicken parmigiana tonight. He cooked it fresh, placed passata and ham and freshly grated cheese on top, grilled it in the oven, and it was THE BOMB.

The best part to him making it for us?

I didn’t have to clean it up.

(That wasn’t agreed to from his original contract, but from the day I’d had, there was no other choice).

Every time I complain about something going shitty, really I am grateful… because I do know better… I know better, that there is worse.

P.S My phone survived

#808 The day is over/don’t listen to no one

Have you ever avoided something, or anguished over a certain future unavoidable event, to the point that it made you unwell? Stressed beyond belief? Incapable of rational thought?

Has anyone ever told you not to go to a certain place, because their perception of it was simply base and unfavourable?

Well this happened to us, and we still went. And it was the best time of our lives.

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Port Douglas, Mossman Gorge. One of the most beautiful places on earth ♥

Has anyone ever spoken badly about someone else to you, and painted a pretty crappy and shit picture of them to the point that you really didn’t wanna know the person?

Well, yes, this has happened to me too. Fortunately I give people the benefit of the doubt, in doing so giving certain naysayers no power with their hurtful words. Some of the most rewarding and happiest relationships come from listening to your heart and not taking heed of someone else’s words from their sad and displeasing life.

Has anyone ever told you about a bad experience they had… and said “it hurt like hell.”?

Well, yes. Yes this happened to me. And this person didn’t know at the time, but I was due to go through this exact thing. And it happened to me, today.

There is no greater realisation than when we discover that other people’s words, are just that… WORDS. Their experiences and points of view can be completely accurate and factual for themselves, and yet they can be so far from true for US, that it can be difficult to distinguish if at times, both parties went through and saw the same thing.

Went to the same holiday location.

Spoke to that same person.

Had the same awkward procedure.

Opinions can vary wildly, yet be completely accurate for both.

I was reminded of all of this today when I was delivered unscathed from just this procedure. I had built myself into the worst state possible, that I questioned why I was reacting and dealing with it all so horribly. Why? I had gone through worse! Was it the build-up? The not knowing what would happen? The horrible and endless possible scenarios?

Or was is the “it hurt like hell” remark?

I should know by now, really I should. This post is not just a gratitude post about all of my stresses about this day ending, but it’s a reflection and appreciation that all of our personal experiences, of people and places and things, vary so wildly, that honestly, it is perfectly okay if none of them are ever the same.

And that’s okay. That should make us feel better, not worse.

Honestly, NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER take anyone’s words at face value, please don’t. They are them.

And you are YOU.

And today, I was ME.

 

#752 Peninsula sunset no. 2

At the end of a LONG, interesting, yet still tiring, confusing, and confronting day.

More questions. More unknowns. More possibilities, and even MORE forks in the road.

But after all of that, to walk outside in the fading evening light, to this

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And see baby girl running against the glorious backdrop of the sunset… well, suddenly, EVERYTHING made sense.

#744 Mills beach no. 2

Things happened today that required the space to think. Contemplate. Ponder the future and the possibilities that lay there.

How did this happen? Was it a cyclical thing? Is this the position of the planets, year in, year out? What else was tied to this number… sometimes happy, sometimes sad.

Today, surprising.

I promise all will make sense in due time. I need to make sense of the confusion, unanswered questions and insecurity that this day has brought, before sharing it for all to hear.

In this need of spirituality and light, of course the beach beckoned.

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It was still. 28 degrees at 6pm. Tuesday evening, and we all had the day off from work/kinder tomorrow. Locals ONLY. Trying to get in as many Summer-y days before the weather changes.

Let’s face it – none of these things even mattered. Because when you see the blue waters stretching out to the horizon, they are reason enough.

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The water gave me peace, provided me with calm and purpose, and when looking out towards the seas, I was assured that everything was happening as it should be.

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#710 Secret good news

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

My gratitude today comes from the happiness of another.

Because you see, someone pulled me over this afternoon, and said with a broad wave of their hands “I’m pregnant!”

And I stared at her in shock and awe, and ultimate critique, trying to work out if what she was saying was actually true.

“Are you serious?” I squinted at her.

“Yes.”

“You’re not joking?” I asked solemnly.

“No.”

“You’re pregnant?” I was now incredulous.

“Yes.”

I gasped in disbelief and happiness, giving her a big hug and proceeding to say “oh my God,” and “you’ve blown me away” about 100 times through hurried, intense and excited conversation, for the next 10 minutes.

I was in absolute shock and wonder, the epitome of a babbling idiot as I wrangled with my thoughts amongst it all.

“OH MY GOD!”

Because this wasn’t only pregnancy news…

Not only was this friend, pregnant…

But she was a friend, who I didn’t think was trying to get pregnant.

Also, she was a friend, who was in a serious relationship, yet I hadn’t thought pregnancy was in the immediate future for them.

She was a friend, who was also, a work colleague.

And this work colleague, was in a relationship with a man that not many people knew about…

This work colleague and her partner had kept their relationship under wraps, especially at work…

Because her partner, worked with her. With us!

OH THE DRAMA!

I couldn’t take it! I was dying. Can you understand why I was dying?! I had already known about the relationship early on, as she has confided in me many things, just as I have to her over the years, and she was one of the first at work who I told that I was pregnant, all those years ago… and now, she was telling ME.

That she was pregnant. Oh my God.

I was over the moon for her. She deserved it.

No, really. She deserved it.

She really, truly deserved this amazing blessing, because in recent years she had had a few very hard spells.

I had felt for her on so many an occasion, but didn’t know how to help. All I could do, was listen, and try to lend some advice.

And as all good friends do, bitch and whinge and moan with her.

My faith in Karma and life, is further cemented by this news. I don’t know why bad things happen. I don’t know why there are bullies, and aggressors; subsequently I don’t know why there are people who are harassed and victimised. And I certainly don’t understand how when someone turns to you for help, you can turn to the side of evil, and ignore their plea, instead going with the majority, with the laugher, with the mockers and the sheep and the boring old FLOCK.

But this news today… it is a LONG time coming.

My work colleague has been through so much. And this news is just proof to me, that eventually, your deeds catch up to you, whether they be good, or bad.

Her good deeds have paid her dividends. She got herself the guy, and now she got herself a baby 🙂

And for the ‘others?’ There is no greater revenge than success and achievement.

Did she go out to seek retribution, no. But the beautiful thing is, the Universe evened it ALL out for her.

:):):)

#671 My daughter’s nature, compared to ‘theirs’

I am going to say something a bit controversial.

I’m going to say it, after manic deliberation driving home tonight, the blood in my body bubbling like a hot rakija on the stove, promising to boil up and overflow at any moment if a close eye is not kept on it.

I’m also going to say it, after considerate thought, while I was sitting next to baby girl in bed just earlier, settling her, soothing her tired and frustrated face, and thinking back on the events of the day in complete calm and quiet.

I am not saying this carelessly.

I am not saying this casually.

I am not saying this with malice – I am only stating the cold, hard facts.

Some children, are absolute moles.

They are arrogant, rude, inconsiderate, bossy, and mean little MOLES.

And unfortunately baby girl was the brunt of their mole-ness today.

Every parent is biased, I know.

Every parent thinks their child is the best. The most smartest. The most beautiful. The most funniest. The most entertaining. The most amazing being in the entire world.

And you know what? Every parent is right.

Simultaneously, all our children can be a bit difficult at times, to put it mildly.

They can be obnoxious. Throw tantrums. Break things for attention. Yell and scream ’til they get what they want.

It’s really annoying, sure. But they are learning. And we are teaching them through this thing called ‘Life.’ They all have their moments, and they all test us parents in different ways.

Baby girl gets upset when she doesn’t get what she wants. She does get IT a lot of the time. But often I say no, just to prove a point, and I tell her above her crying protests

“life isn’t fair honey, get used to it.”

Baby girl will also be stubborn. Like I am not allowed to walk this way through the house, but that way. Just because.

I am not allowed to hold her Anna doll this way, but that way.

I can’t buckle her up in the car until she is seated and has properly prepared herself in it (another OCD contender anyone?)

She has these funny and weird routines and if we don’t comply, she will cross her arms, stamp her foot once, and say it a low cross tone “me very upset with you right now, hrmph.”

It is actually kind of totally adorable.

You know what is not adorable though? Yelling. Screaming. Snatching. Telling someone to go away. To not play with them. Telling someone they can’t join in. Screaming at them not to touch their toys. Teasing them. Making fun of them. Stirring them up. Belittling them.

Bullying them.

This is what baby girl endured today. All she wanted to do was play, and what she got in return was a big pile of mole-play.

And after all of that she still wanted to hug mole-child goodbye, and was refused it… and when asking if mole-child would visit her at our house, got a prompt “no.”

I can’t begin to describe the intense anger and frustration coupled with deep-seated emotion that ravaged loose inside of me when all this was happening. Baby girl was crying out, literally, for play, for friendship, for fun, and all she got was a whole lot of shit in return. She so much wanted to make a connection, and to see my happy and carefree girl so upset, frustrated, confused and sad, broke me up into a million pieces inside.

Without parenting, or telling off mole-child whose parents were absent, I did what I could only do… give a few choice words of my own – “that is not very nice, would you like it if someone did that to you?” – and told baby girl to “leave the rude kids alone.”

But I was furious. And later, thinking of the events that had transpired, it led me to one big realisation.

Baby girl, actually is, THE BEST.

She is an angel. Sure she is sometimes possessive of her toys. But she eventually shares, and loves playing with others happily for hours on end.

Sure she is a typical 4 year-old and wants things her way. But she will never yell at another, and would rather follow the other child’s game than stamp her foot down (kids are the exception!) and miss out on play.

Sure she sometimes plays up and deliberately goes against the grain just to grind you. But she has a kind, generous and compassionate heart, and just wants to get along.

She is not angry, mean, or rude. She is a friendly, happy-go-lucky child who just wants to engage, jump, laugh a lot and have fun.

When someone yells, she stands back in confusion. And tonight, so did I.

Because my daughter, is not a mole-child. And I am so grateful for that.