#517 Some Red with Hubbie

“Red, red wine

Goes to my head…

Makes me forget that I

Still need her so…”

I love a good drop of red. Another Saturday night, another takeaway night, another night cosied up on the couch… and yet all amplified by a couple of decent of glasses to put you in right form.

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I don’t have photos of full glasses, because we drank it all didn’t we? And you know those people who are all “I love the Red wine song!” and they don’t even drink red wine?! Like, who are you?! You can’t proclaim love for something only to straight out deny it! That’s like, a Lion denying the sunshine.

Is that even possible?!?!

That’s my Saturday night red wine intoxicated rant over. And what’s so good about a drop of red, you might ask?

Drinking a good drop of red, with company. The type of company that like the colour of the liquid, is symbolic of all things love, passion and fiery combustion.

“Red, red wine

It’s up to you

All I can do I’ve done

Memories won’t go… memories won’t go.”

Cheers.

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#513 The joy of coming out… as a Writer

This post has absolutely nothing to do with proclaiming that you are interested in the same sex… and yet despite the differences, I think, same same.

Because there is still fear attached.

Fear of being judged.

Fear of criticism.

Fear of gossip.

Fear of being told you’re unworthy.

Fear of people treating you differently.

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I took this pic tonight near my work. I don’t know why. I like the Ferris Wheel symbol – a huge manufactured orb-thing, shining brightly in the night, despite the shadows of black surrounding it. It is huge, and sometimes scary, but always shiny.

Wherever it shines, here it is bright.

And that’s how we should be with ourselves too.

Wherever we shine, here it should be bright.

We should not fear what others think or say about us. It is none of our business firstly, just as it is none of theirs what we think of them.

We all have our own opinions, but simultaneously, we should try and choose our company wisely, and keep those with our best interest at heart, close to us.

We should live our authentic selves, staying true to who we are and what we are here to do, and live this passion of ours as fully as we possibly can. We don’t know how long we are here for, so we should do whatever makes our hearts sing, now.

Where is all this leading?

Well, I’ve been super silent about my writings and my blogs, for many years now. Say 6 years. And in those 6 years, there are 7 people who have known what I was doing.

Only 7 people.

From last Saturday, it was 8. And from the weeks progressing forward, I will hit double digits… and keep the numbers moving up,

And you know why? Because I am ready. I’ve been thinking about telling people for a while now about what I do. But intense fear has stemmed from the almost certain  questioning and criticising that I would undoubtedly receive… and also, having people both close to me, and not so, who know who I am, reading every single one of my private thoughts that I’ve ever posted online… is terrifying.

I’ve been scared. I always knew this day of release would come, and I had to be ready for it, but I always told myself that I would ‘come out’ when I was published. When I had some kind of outside, literary confirmation that my work was good enough, then and only then would I say to everyone “hey! This is what I’ve been doing. This is me, and I am now officially “A WRITER.”’

But this is complete bull. Because you are not a Writer only because your work has been published. You are a Writer because you put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, and decided that this is where your passion lay.

This is what you would devote your life to.

This is what you want to do, above all else, even if you got no rewards for it.

That, is what makes you a Writer.

So, something I have feared for so long, I am getting really excited by. Because I am choosing wisely. I am choosing people to tell, who either understand and have an appreciation for the writing/reading process; those also doing what I do; and highly supportive family and friends.

I don’t need everyone to know just yet, I just need my circle to know-all. And I think that is what excites me. The fact that supportive people will be ‘in on it,’ and that with the release of the private information I’ve been guarding so closely to my chest, knowing it will be out there, well…

It scares me, excites me, and thrills me, to no end.

I don’t just write food reviews, and I don’t just write book reviews. I write about myself. My family. My fears, and my day-to-day life. My goals, my dreams, and every shit moment I have. I write about all the in-betweens, and knowing that people will be able to access this at whim, without the necessary “how’s things?” question to me at face value, does intensely freak me out and have me palpitating with sweats.

But it has to be done. I have to proclaim myself as a Writer, and I’m damn well excited about it.

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And as I came closer to the Ferris Wheel, I realised there was not much to be scared of, and it was smaller than what it seemed from afar… it was actually quite beautiful.

#509 Friday night d&m and surprises with Hubbie

Most Fridays we have the MIL with us, which makes for light-hearted, event and people based chit-chat.

“How are these people going?”

“How was work?”

“What are the weekend plans?”

“What will you do on Sunday?”

“Did you hear about that?”

and so on.

Tonight however, it was just US – baby girl, hubbie and I. And quite surprisingly and happily, we started to get into it.

He dropped some surprising statements, which had me slightly reeling – just from the sheer unpredictability of it ever being said.

“What? Are you serious? Seriously, I feel like I don’t know you.”

All good, and nothing bad. Just different, and eye-opening. We got into some d&m, and you know the convo has gone deep and fulfilling, when the dinner sit-down has long passed the eaten food that has come and gone before it.

“Well if I do this, with your talent here, and my knowledge there, we could both – “

Now I was reeling, again. I know this is a whole lot of blah blah blah to the rest of the world, but after our talk I had the most profound sense of I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO EXPECT FROM LIFE.

We always talk about living life to the full, and cramming as much experience and fun and passion into what we have been given here on earth, yet still, for a man that I know so, so well, he had me absolutely stunned and baffled.

And as I dwelled on it, I realised I loved it.

I’m not a person to stay stagnant, and remain in the same role or field for the rest of my life. And seeing that he is the same, and just like me is open to new and exciting experiences, if only to explore and see where the open doors lead him, well that is equally exciting to watch and be a part of.

I love that we are passionate, we know what we love, but also, we love to keep things exciting, fresh, and moving on.

To be inspired by the man in your life, and find even greater motivation to love him, well…

that is something I am eternally grateful for.

And all from a Friday night convo. All good things come from Fridays…

 

#390 Baby girl’s naps no.2 – catch-up

This post has very little to do with baby girl, and all to do with what I do when she is NOT around.

I’m lucky that at the age of 3 and a half, she still naps. About, an hour to 90 minutes a day, sometimes even 2 hours if we’ve been to the beach, or she’s been to kinder or run around heaps. And even then I start to make a lot of noise at the 90 minute mark, as I know that putting her to bed that night might be a tad difficult after a long nap.

She’s just like her Mum. She loves her sleep, and I’m fortunate to say, she always has.

Today she went for an hour 40 minutes. During this time, I plop myself in front of the laptop, and begin all kinds of writing tasks/passions.

Today it was personal journal writing; food review writing; and book review writing.

I’ve been behind in my food and book reviews for so long. Soooo long. You know when you are so behind in something, you start to consider giving it up?

‘It’s too hard. I can’t keep up.’

‘My life is too busy right now.’

‘This is getting out of hand.’

‘Maybe I’ll try this in 5 years time.’

I wasn’t sure, whether any of it was worth it. The reviews. The blog. Even the gratitude. I question myself on some days, when things are hard, when time is pressed, and I don’t think I’m going anywhere.

But, I am grateful for the stubborn Lion that I am.

Because I just can’t freaking give up so easy. It’s not in my DNA.

You shouldn’t either.

As hard as it has been in the last months/years/life since parenthood (!) I have still persevered. I have moved EVER SO SLOWLY. And I fortunately, have not given up. These moments I get when baby girl is napping, and then when she is sleeping late at night, I am able to move on, to try and catch up, to keep things going with my blogs, my personal writings, my passionate pursuits, as much as I can.

They are slow, ever so slow, baby steps. A snails pace. And there are days when I have to do other things. ‘Responsible’ things. I can’t write every day, and those days feel so wasted on me. But when I can, I try my damn best.

But today, after doing some more writing, and then taking a kind of step back to go ‘hmm, my food reviews are almost catching up,’ and ‘hmm, I’m heading through my current book review at a decent pace’ (with 3 more looming in the background but that’s not the point!) I felt, good. I felt like, I was getting somewhere. And I started to feel like, I might actually be catching up.

That was such a good feeling. And I am so grateful, I had it. More so, I’m grateful that baby girl’s reliable naps, gave me the opportunity for it 🙂

#374 Reclaiming the past with Besties

Tonight, Bestie and her Hubbex came over to visit us in our new ‘hood.

It was a pretty rad night.

We have a pretty awesome history, us 4. I often wonder if the looks we get from other ‘friends’ are that of jealousy: I mean, bestie and I are of course, LONG-TIME besties, and when we get together, our Hubbies become equally as tight and crazy as us.

We were an integral part of their bridal party when they got married, which was right before I got pregnant with baby girl. It was an amazing day, and so special to be sharing it with them both, in such a close and intimate way.

But that was not the beginning, and it sure as hell won’t be the end. No. Our times together have many prior years and years on their wedding day… from after our high school years and through all of our twenties, birthdays and events, days out, dinner, catch-ups and plenty of laughter here, there and EVERYWHERE. I’m talking Hubbie and Hubbex jumping out of our semi-moving car after midnight singing “How Bizarre” at the top of their lungs on a Saturday night. I’m talking funny dress-ups, and stupid faces to the point that when we look back on them now, we laugh ourselves so silly that we do unintentional ab crunches from our laughter, our breath soundless and eyes all screwed up from the mad laughter that we are expressing.

I’m talking wine, I’m talking shots, and I’m talking plenty of D&Ms in-between. When I think of our long-standing history together, and think back through all of those years, I then realise how varied, vast and deep our friendship and experiences with one another are.

And generally speaking, I am proud of the maturity I’ve developed in response to the friendships and relationships in my life. Nothing remains static, stagnant. Things are ever-changing, and so too do many friendships take on a temporary ‘on hold’ spell, while life takes over, other things become more of a priority, and you move in different directions.

I love that quote, that says something like you know you have a true friend when you don’t always see each other, but when you get together it’s like no time has passed. Nothing is truer for this awesome-foursome.

Although all our lives are extremely busy, and we all have differing passions and interests and jobs that keep us entertained and out of trouble, we still make the time for each other, when we can. And tonight, while eating and drinking, listening to a whole variety of musicians and getting extremely excited over them, talking the deep philosophy of Beyoncé’s image, pruning roses, allowing baby girl to do multiple renditions of Let it Go, turning our staircase into ‘ice’ as she stamped down on the landing, and shooing off cats, we had a smashing time.

We have matured, we are older, and we have more responsibility present in our lives… but it is still us. And US, has still got IT.

Take care of your true friends, because it takes a long time to gain an ‘old friend.’ They are precious and much sought after.

After tonight, I think our future together looks just as happy/funny/silly/meaningful/profound/bright, as ever 🙂

 

#347 How we make up

I thoroughly enjoy the dynamic relationship I share with Hubbie. I thrive on it. It excites me, and keeps me on my toes. We are different, but essentially, at our core, the same.

We are exceptionally loyal to one another. We are passionate in our diverse and pursued interests, and encourage each other to strive for greater heights.

We love spending time together. Time, never seems to be enough. We can be with each other for days on end, and still find ourselves walking through the house, looking for the other when they’ve been absent for 15 minutes.

Also, we are especially honest with each other. Often, brutally so.

We can argue, REALLY well.

Like most couples I guess. On the surface we seem really easy going and happy. And, that is true. One of our closest friends think that we must never fight.

Oh dear. How wrong, wrong, wrong they are.

We pull each other up when the other is misbehaving – constantly.

We tell each other off when we feel disappointed by the other.

We freely tell the other to ‘snap out of it’ ‘move on’ and ‘don’t be so sensitive’ when there’s too much whining going on.

Most of the time we get on with one another, really well. But sometimes, occasionally, infrequently but still big enough to make a momentous dent on our memory bank, we have a decent fight.

Like last night.

After being cranky and shitty with each other most of the night, butting heads and just being in completely different zones to the other, I headed upstairs to bed, after I put baby girl to bed and wrote my gratitude post (yes I am bipolar and can be in an appreciative yet simultaneously horrid state of mind) with one thing in mind:

TO LET HIM HAVE IT.

I woke him up, and even that was enough to make him shitty. Rightly so. For the next hour we proceeded to aggressively, emotionally and yet somehow almost rationally break down why we were upset with each other, who had done what wrong, and what could be done to fix it.

Well, nothing could. It was 2am by the time we were done. And like I said, we were in two different states of mind. I am always the one needing to discuss it NOW, whereas he always needs to sleep on it. That in itself creates a mountain of problems, making any arguments we have at the end of the day that much worse. We had talked it out, but still lay down facing away from each other. I closed my eyes, my cheeks wet.

What I also love about us, is our constant and everlasting willingness to make up. To see it through, talk it out, and make amends to move on, happy again.

I woke up cranky and flat. He had gotten up earlier and gone for a long walk along the beach to clear his head. He came back, bright and chirpy. I was still –

Grrr, argh.

When I’d finished the usual morning routine with baby girl, he pulled me up and said “Let’s sit down, say what we have to say, and move on so we can enjoy the rest of our day.”

Ahhh. Exhale. I love this part.

And so we did. We talked, and talked, and by the end of it, were both relieved.

Why?

Because we do ‘content’ much more easily and willingly and happily, than we do angry.

All is good again in the world. 🙂

Having a partner that is as willing as you are to compromise, find resolve, and get back to that happy state, is about as important as any other thing in a relationship I think.

I think that’s definitely the advice I would give baby girl when she is older.

“Find someone, who would rather have peace, than be right.”

#249 Inspiring Fandom

Last night when the fam was over, I got into an unexpectedly awesome discussion with my teenage nephew. He started on the topic of vampire folklore in media, and when he mentioned a couple of various TV series/movies, I mean, I just couldn’t, NOT say a thing.

“Have you watched Angel/Buffy?!” (On an aside, only one of the most awesome shows EVER).

And I deliberately write Angel before Buffy, even though technically the show Buffy in fact spawned Angel – but that is a chicken-egg debate you DO NOT want to get into discussion with me about.

So, back to my nephew. He hadn’t watched it, but knew of it. And just as I listened as he broke down the gist of the TV series Teen Wolf, so too did he listen attentively as I explained some of the underlying themes of both series and how they varied.

He said, he wanted to watch Angel. Immediately. Not Buffy. I was like “look, you probably wanna watch Buffy seasons 1-3, and then start at Angel season 1 so you can truly appreciate the character/story-arcs.”

He said he would look it up on Netflix. We had a good old discussion, I got to let go of some Whedon-verse steam (it’s been so long since I’ve had someone to converse Joss Whedon shows with), and I went to bed happy, simply that I had connected with my nephew on an old-fave interest of mine. I felt like a cool aunty.

Today! While chatting to my sister this late morning, she says “guess who’s watching Buffy season 1?!”

Oh! Aghast! Really? He was really going to do it….

Then hours later, after I got home from work, another phone call… sis put me on the phone to him, and he said he had watched the entire first season of Buffy, and couldn’t handle it no more, so went straight to Angel… and LOVED it.

He is sooooo his Aunty’s nephew! I was proud, rapt, and thrilled all in one.

I have inspired fandom! And now I have my own Angel apprentice to mould, mentor, and make… mwa ha ha.

I am so excited. I am also grateful. I get to talk about one of my favourite shows with someone, and it’s my nephew so we get to bond over a shared interest in the process.

I have not talked Angel-talk in a LONG time. So when nephew followed with the questions:

“Who do you think would win in a fight – Angel or Buffy?” AND

“I’ve read about some Spike character online – is it true he’d beat Angel?”

I passionately responded:

“Angel – he has the super-human advantage,” AND

“No bloody way, that is a load of bullshit!”

It has begun:):):)