#892 The Last Winter Walk

It felt like so long ago since I had done this.

These were my thoughts as I walked the 10 minutes from the car park to work, just before 7am this morning. I had had the last couple of Wednesdays off, but still, the previous ones I had worked I must have had a late shift, because this walk felt like something I hadn’t done in a LONG time.

It was peaceful. Still. Few people around. Working in the city outskirts, means that even in peak hour, there is a smaller group heading off to work and going about their day, much smaller in size than if you were to go, bang smack in the middle of the city, and have to scurry about like a hamster on a wheel.

It was still dark, and yet the first light of the day was starting to filter through. The Bolte Bridge’s lights shone above the water in the near horizon. Boats slept. Runners jogged/shuffled by with earphones on. The regular café guy started opening up shop, putting on the lights inside and taking out tables. Trams whizzed by silently.

Things were happening, and life was still moving. But it was all hush hush.

It was actually, beautiful.

I pondered this as I shoved my hands into my jacket pockets, borrowing my face into my scarf. It was still cold. I knew that the next two Wednesdays I had late shifts – therefore, I wouldn’t be walking like this, at 7 in the morning on those days. Rather, my start time would be at the leisurely hour of 3… PM.

I started to calculate. If I do two more late Wednesdays, and then I’m on holidays for a few weeks… I won’t be doing an early Wednesday shift, until September.

The next time I will be walking in the morning like this, it’ll be Spring.

Oh! I realised with excitement. This is my last Winter walk for the year.

Suddenly, EVERYTHING INSIDE OF ME HALTED. My legs kept moving forward tentatively, yet everything in my head whirred to a direct halt.

Redundancy. Moving on. New jobs.

I wouldn’t be here next Winter. This was my last Winter walk to work, EVER.

The acknowledgement suddenly saddened me. Sure it was cold… but here we were, months and months and months away from finishing up, and suddenly I was experiencing one of the many ‘lasts’ that I would inevitably come across as I made my way slowly but surely, to the work finishing line.

In this race, we were all crossing the line together. We were unified in our change, but it was still horribly bittersweet.

I was immediately relieved that I had made the Winter Walk realisation. I crossed the road, and paused near my work, taking some photos.

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Those pine trees I’d complained about, when they’d replaced them with the original palm trees years ago… I’ll miss them.

That street I walk up religiously to get my coffee fix… I’ll miss it.

That view. It’s pretty darn impressive, even in Winter. Even in the dark.

Those boats. They have allowed me to daydream and ponder as they waft and tilt over the swaying waters.

Even the God-damn mirrored elevator in the building.

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Sure, I’ll miss that too. What with the bright lights allowing you to see every pimple on your face, yet with enough of a warm glow that makes you feel like you too, might be able to jump in front of the cameras and give the latest news update.

Oh, it’s beginning. The ‘lasts’ are-a-coming.

Thank God for phones. Thank God for photos.

Because the memories will always remain. ♥

#857 Running late to the skies

My alarm goes off at 5am. I sleepily turn it off, in an effort to not wake up Hubbie any more than I need to, because he, unlike me, can sleep in.

I tell myself I will get up. I will get up. Just a few more minutes. It is sooo cold. I’m warm now, but when I get up, the icy air will hit me hard. Just a few more minutes…

I look at the clock. It is now 5:27am.

“F^&k!” I whisper, throwing the covers off me.

If it was just the 15 or so minutes later I’ll be, that’s fine, I think. I will at worst be at work 5 minutes late. No biggie.

But then, something happens.

THE MONASH FREEWAY happens.

There are two incidents, both near the start and end of my Monash journey, so that I end up anticipating a good 30 minute late start to work.

It’ll be ok, and I won’t get in trouble… I just hate it.

Even so, when I park my car before the 10 minute walk over to the building, I spot something. I have to take out my phone, and SNAP!

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Being late was worth it, for that sky.

Soon, it is the end of the day. I jump into my car eagerly. I want to go to a nearby shop on our side of town that closes at 5:30pm. If I get home by 4:30, we have about an hour.

But then, something happens… again.

Yep, you guessed it… the freaking Monash freeway.

Multiple incidents and who knows what else forecast my trip as taking an extra half an hour to get home, so I take an alternative route, that gives me all manner of stress and hell, but I manage to make it home, a bit later than thought, but still, we all run out to the shop.

We come back home after 5:30. I am tired. I have been out of the house ALL day. I am cold. I am hungry. I just want a moment to myself. Baby girl won’t stop talking to me, Hubbie is in a good mood and just can’t stop repeating himself, and all I really need is to sit down and have a few minutes of peace.

But then, I see this:

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And I SNAP!

And once again, being late is worth it, for that sky 🙂

 

#856 Lotsa everything day

Today I was fortunate to have many things to be grateful for.

I was grateful for… lotsa.

I was grateful that we visited one of the last schools on our primary tour for baby girl… and we think it is the one. Sure, the school we last visited we also felt ‘good’ about. But this one gave me a certain vibe on the info night I attended weeks ago. And Hubbie and I agreed today, that it felt like our own primary schools that we attended, growing up.

It had a real community vibe, and that’s what appealed to us. The clincher was the realisation that the trees out the front of the school are my trees, and if you don’t know what they are, go and look at the background pic on my smikg.com page…

It was a gorgeous sunny day. Absolutely sublime.

I happily took baby girl to kinder late because of this tour, and discovered a coffee truck in the outside car park.

I wasn’t planning on having coffee… but when one is presented with such, one MUST HAVE.

I’ve never seen it there before, because I’ve never been 1 hour late to kinder. I must hang around and ‘help’ them on some other occasions me thinks…

I headed off to do some furniture and flooring window shopping/research on my own, and we all know as a parent, anything you do ‘on your own’ is gratitude enough, especially since such simple tasks such as wiping your butt and having a shower are often accompanied by a little person.

Our kitchen progressed that little bit more today… we have an extra cupboard for storage, hooray!

And speaking of the kitchen… perhaps the best part of the day was dancing around it in the evening before dinner, with Hubbie and baby girl, to her favourite song Go Bang by Pnau.

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Our socks may be mismatched, but let me assure you, we are family folks.

It’s a happy day when you don’t quite know what you are most grateful for…

So let’s just be grateful for it ALL 🙂

 

 

 

#828 Bath time

Last week at the end of a particularly crappy day, I was sitting at the side of the tub where baby girl bathed, when I had an idea.

She was just there doing what normal 4 year-olds do: splashing about, playing with her toys… turning here; and then suddenly, turning there, quickly like a fish. And as I observed this, her carefree nature and relaxed attitude, the water enveloping her in a warm hug, I realised I needed something.

I needed a bath.

I mean, as a grown women, shower, sure. But bath? How often do we do it?

I can say with certainty I have not had one in years. I can’t even remember the last time I had one, and it definitely hasn’t been in this house…

So tonight…

BATH TIME.

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Can I say ladies – HAVE A BATH.

Get your Hubbie to look after the kids. lock the door. If you don’t have kids, get your partner the hell out of there and make sure he knows this is vital for your wellbeing… and well, if you don’t have kids or a partner… what the hell are you waiting for? You should have a home spa!

It was, absolutely unreal. I locked the door. Lit a candle. Poured some wine. Made sure the water was hot. And let myself sink into relaxation for a good half an hour.

I need to do this at least once a month. The calm and peace that followed me afterwards was crucial in the recovery and growth of my soul.

But a word of warning ladies… watch out if you are combining hot water and red wine…

#dizzyspells #holdontight #ifyouhavelowbloodpressurelikeme

😉

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#818 What Mother’s Day really means

You might think I am a day too early, but this has all happened after midnight you see. If you must, let’s call it Mother’s Day Eve.

Or just Motherhood, or Parenthood, right? Because putting things mildly, things went from crabby to horrific in a matter of hours tonight.

We were at a function on the other side of town. Baby girl had been better today, amazingly so, and so we went. She complained of something new though – her teeth. She said they were sore, and so on and on it went… from the car… to the reception… THE ENTIRE NIGHT.

We left as early as we could. She fell asleep in the car as expected. But then, woke up about 20 minutes from home.

And she cried and whinged the entire time.

At times she screamed. She whimpered as if having a bad dream. Her breath stuttered from crying so much. She was even hysterical.

What did we do? Well I tried to reason with her. I told her to stop. Ask her what was wrong. I told her I was there for her. I told her she had to calm down. I wiped her nose, and held her hand – while driving.

It barely helped.

So I did the good cop bad cop routine, and put on my angry hat and DEMANDED she stop crying. She was being ridiculous. She only cried louder. She was red and babbling and upset and no matter how angry I got, again, nothing seemed to help.

In fact it made it worse.

What was Hubbie doing? Well he tried. But let’s just say if she is not working with me, she won’t have a bar of him.

We finally got her inside the house. She cried as we walked up the driveway, after midnight, and I was sure her frantic cries would wake the neighbours and make them want to call the police.

The end of the night, had been a disaster. I was so upset. Is this what my weekend would become? Was this my lovely payday leading up to Mother’s Day? Did I deserve this wholehearted crap heaped upon me and my family?

Was this it?

I rugged her up and put her into bed, securing the blankets around her tightly. I sat close, and whispered to her as I gently stroked her head, to sleep.

“Shh, Mama’s here.”

“Mama loves you, always remember that.”

“I’m always here, whenever you need me.”

Her ragged breaths rose and fell, her small body shaking with every stutter, and as I made my strokes on her head more gentle, more softer, more deliberate, her breath evened, turned into whispered starts, and went silent.

Her body and the cold bed had merged as one, warming itself like a cocoon, and I could see from her face she was getting deeper and deeper. I sat there watching this peaceful face. This face that had made me so worried/mad/sad, and now all I could see in that moment, was love.

She had had enough of everything. She was over it all. She was tired. She just needed a break. 

Go figure. I had thought it was the teeth. All she needed was bed, my gentle touch, and my loving words.

A Mother’s work is not easy. It is trying and exhausting and it will make you cry from frustration as much as it will make you cry from happiness.

But when you watch their still and peaceful faces at the end of a long day…

You come to understand that the flowers, the chocolates, the gifts on Mother’s Day, mean nothing.

Because it is in these moments of reflection and tiredness, relief and grounding, that you come to appreciate what Mother’s Day is all about.

Simply, being a Mother. In every way, shape and form, through sunshine and storm.

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#759 Driving home, alone

I was thinking hard about a novel thing that I was grateful for today. I was at work, doing a late shift, and so my happy moments amidst coffees getting stuffed up, were at a kind of minimal. 

But then, when I got in my car to drive home, I was suddenly at peace.

And it wasn’t the fact that I was headed home… sure, that helped. But rather…

It was the ACT of driving home… alone.

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I could do what I wanted, how I wanted, when I wanted.

There was no Hubbie taking over the CD player with his music. Baby girl wasn’t telling me “my song!”

It was late. There were few cars around.

I was alone with the ipod.

I was alone with the CDs.

I was alone with the stereo.

I was alone with my thoughts.

I was driving home, heading home, alone in my car, and I gotta tell you, the peace and tranquility that comes with it, is worth driving to work for 🙂

 

 

 

 

#744 Mills beach no. 2

Things happened today that required the space to think. Contemplate. Ponder the future and the possibilities that lay there.

How did this happen? Was it a cyclical thing? Is this the position of the planets, year in, year out? What else was tied to this number… sometimes happy, sometimes sad.

Today, surprising.

I promise all will make sense in due time. I need to make sense of the confusion, unanswered questions and insecurity that this day has brought, before sharing it for all to hear.

In this need of spirituality and light, of course the beach beckoned.

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It was still. 28 degrees at 6pm. Tuesday evening, and we all had the day off from work/kinder tomorrow. Locals ONLY. Trying to get in as many Summer-y days before the weather changes.

Let’s face it – none of these things even mattered. Because when you see the blue waters stretching out to the horizon, they are reason enough.

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The water gave me peace, provided me with calm and purpose, and when looking out towards the seas, I was assured that everything was happening as it should be.

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