That’s how it genuinely felt. When you’ve put off something for so long, it starts to become a constant presence, a fear that sits at your dinner table, sleeps beside you at night, and follows you around the house, around town, wherever you go.
It never leaves your side.
I overcame a massive fear today, even a genuine phobia, and it made me realise something really huge. Something I didn’t know about myself.
I am stronger than I think.
I never thought it, I really, honestly, never did.
I wanted to be strong though.
There are two quotes that came up in my daily calendar in late August, and the way they appeared, it was as if they were meant for me.
“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.”
I left these quotes on the kitchen bench, where my cookbooks sit, during this whole time. I felt they needed to remind me of what I had to do, what I had to achieve… what I had to go through.
And what I had to overcome. Not other people, things, circumstances… but rather, ME. I had to overcome and master my thoughts. My fears. It was all in my head, and as much as I had very real fears and worries, and they are perfectly normal… I had to overcome, myself.
Not, the mountain.
Everything in due time, and I will speak, when I am ready. But I will share the other thing that was great following my day of overcoming fear, that was almost as great as the relief that came after it…
Watching TV all day.
Yep. You see you can’t do much when you’re in recovery mode.
I watched repeated Cheers and Bold and the Beautiful. Threw in eps of Angel and Dawson’s Creek. Watched half of a Prince tribute show I had recorded 6 months ago, and watched another half of a Queen doco I would have recorded at the same time.
And played about 16 rounds of Wordscapes on my phone.
Yep. This is the best part. 💖
Also, I felt your love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 🙏
It still feels like covid days, because the 25kms hasn’t been lifted, and everyone we know is OUTSIDE of those 25kms.
We’ve grown accustomed to this over 7 months now, haven’t we?
I was relaxing, trawling through facebook when I saw some quotes that floored me. One floored me in a ‘WOW’ way, whereas the other, less a quote, was more a silly dream, that made me LOL and LOL.
Let me share.
“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.” – Erma Bombeck.
Like, WOW. Wow and wow. I shared with Hubbie and we just sat there, taking it in, thinking how a rocking chair is the most perfect metaphor for worry.
I love how quotes make us see everyday things in a whole new different light.
Then, something hilarious. Relating to what a lot of the world is focused on right now, the outcome of the US Presidential Election:
“what if at the end of this tv show the red and blue states melt together and the country turns purple and prince emerges and says “im the king now” and goes into 4 yr long version of purple reign.” – Ron Gallo on Twitter.
OMG! I loved it! That would be such a more preferable outcome, don’t you think?
I remembered other quotes that made me think. Made me feel. Made me see the world differently. I actually collect the ones that make me think twice, and I re-write them in a journal.
Here’s some more that I want to share, that I came across recently from an old stash I found around the house:
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill.
“Take chances. When rowing forward, the boat may rock.” – Chinese proverb.
This quote is from the other day, from my daily calendar:
“Fortune favors the brave.” – Virgil.
An oldie but a goodie. I find it interesting how I come across quotes, often ones I know, but they are presented to me at exactly the time I need them… At exactly the time I need to hear them.
Finally, a quote I came across in August. Actually, there are two really important ones, but I’ll save the second one for another time.
Since I saw this, I’ve left it in the kitchen, so that I can look at it often, remind myself of its intention, and imbed in me a sense of courage I didn’t think I had.
“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt.
These words have gone around and around in my head. Almost like a whisper. I had the strongest sense that I was meant to see it the day it came up in the calendar, and despite the obvious fear inherent at the prospect of doing what you think you cannot do, I feel it is SO TRUE.
Something, you cannot do. You absolutely can’t.
Or maybe it’s, you won’t.
But… you MUST do it.
And that my friends, is even more powerful than 4 years of Prince taking over the US.
Every so often my daily calendar tells me exactly how I’m feeling.
I turned the page over later in the day… so when it told me what I was feeling, after I was already feeling it… I thought it was more than coincidental.
100%. I couldn’t agree more. And I did find something tangible to be grateful for.
This picture baby girl drew. Of a mouse. I was not my usual self, and when she showed me this picture, the last thing on my mind was observing and admiring a picture of a so-called mouse… as she called it, “a different mouse.”
But the colours and intention and creativity got me, and it made my lips curve upwards.
But sometimes it’s not the tangible things that grab our heart. I was also thinking of quotes that didn’t jump out at me today, and this one came into my mind:
“A problem shared is a problem halved.”
And that is the biggest truth for me today. Sometimes we don’t need a quote to come along and literally stare us in the face… sometimes that quote is inside of us, telling us that truth, ALL ALONG.
The second part of this proverb? It’s the part I love the most:
I came across a really touching quote today, one that I feel is relevant to me, but to all of us.
Because it’s about struggle. Struggling with something, anything, in your life. And because of what is happening in the world, we can all relate to things not going the way we planned.
This quote is for everyone.
Why do I love quotes so much? Hmm, maybe something about words… words, and how the correct and select number of them can piece together something truly beautiful, to lift you, inspire you and help you.
“There is no royal road to anything. One thing at a time, all things in succession. That which grows fast, withers as rapidly. That which grows slowly, endures.” – Unknown.
I find it timely that I often come upon saying that touch my soul, right when I need them.
How’s about that?
And, just because, here’s a selection of photos from today that brought me joy…
And reminded me that it takes time, to grow such great beauty. Some forms over a day… some over a season. Some even longer.
It wasn’t a surprise to me this morning, when a friend reminded me it was now officially, the season of the lion.
The Leo horoscope, was upon us.
Only it wasn’t really a reminder to me. I wait for the changeover to this feline month, and the last month of Winter, not just because I love cats and hate the cold, but mainly for the fact that it’s my birthday month, and a celebration month for A LOT of my family.
But, things are a bit different this year. It’s guaranteed there will be none of the usual birthday hoo-ha’s this August, and so for the last little while, I’ve turned my attention elsewhere.
Well, it IS always there… I’m just really engaging all of my energies into it.
It’s a scary place to be. Putting yourself out there, exposing your passions and insecurities right there on paper/word doc/social media…
Allowing people into your mind, your heart, your soul. But it’s what I love, and so a part of me must be masochistic, because I keep doing what terrifies me most, inching forward increment by increment, hoping to God that everything stays smooth.
Everything keeps sailing.
I took a bit of a leap recently. I joined a local writer’s group. It’s no basement-budget style catch up either – it’s a proper, paid, yearly membership, where you immerse yourself with other like-minded, passionate writerly types as yourself.
Today I joined the closed facebook group for the club… and you know, it felt SO GOOD. I was kinda terrified of putting myself out there, as is normal since writing is uber-important to me, but I did what I’ve been doing all this year it seems… and pushed past the fear.
“What’s the big deal?”
“Why are you so scared?”
“Stop over dramatising!”
All very valid thoughts you might be thinking, I get it.
But imposter syndrome is a real thing, and trying to push past the self-doubts, the questions as to why you’re there, the fear of rejection or denial, of discovering you’re actually shit… all of those things are genuine fears that keep people from doing what they should be doing.
From pursuing their dreams.
But the thing to understand is, these self-doubts we all experience are completely normal, to some degree. We all have them, we all feel them at some point or another, and as long as they’re not physically or mentally debilitating to our psyche, if we learn to accept them and push past them anyway…
Guess what we’ve just done?
I actually came across a lovely quote today, quite indicative of the step I took:
“Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” – Brendan Francis Behan.
And how convenient, that we are talking about all of this courage, at this particular month…
During this particular season.
Try to channel the lion in you, and take a step closer to what you most love to do.
Ok, little white lie… I didn’t actively seek them out for the sake of reminiscing. It was Hubbie’s request to find an old photo of himself with a certain hair cut, and I knew roughly which album it was in…
So I came down the stairs some time later, with two albums.
Because one wasn’t enough.
Not even two was enough! But still we sat. We searched. We laughed and laughed.
We were back in time about 15 years. 15 years! Do you know what can happen in 15 years?
Fortunately, a good sign… there were a lot of familiar faces. 🙂
Baby girl asked if every baby pictured was her, and when I told her it was her cousins, my nephews, she demanded to know why she wasn’t there!
“Honey, you weren’t ready to come out yet!”
“Yes I was, I was always ready!”
Oh LOL LOL.
What did I find, specifically?
Well, in all those familiar faces…
I found flared pants.
I found hair with so much foils it was practically blonde.
I found stupid/silly face photos (photos where you deliberately pull a stupid face… if you haven’t done it, this you MUST TRY!)
I found so many 21sts.
I found selfies… before there were selfies!
I found my nephews so small, they could fit in my arms.
I found my parents garage, filled with family, music and laughter, as was so common back when I was a teen.
I found a lot of drinks!
I found a lot of parties.
I found a lot of freedom.
I found a lot of happiness.
I found a lot of love.
And it made me think… looking through photos is one of the best things you can do right now. Even if you are going through really hard times…photos of happier times are honestly, the best thing we can show ourselves at this point in our lives…
Because life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it, as Ronan Keating sings. It goes up, it comes down.
Or like one of my favourite sayings,
“Good times and bad times have one thing in common… they never last forever.”
Universally, we all are going through a tough time, in one way or another.
So when we look back at these photos and remember how good things used to be…
You can remind yourself, they will be that way again.
Before we know it, we will be making more memories.