Exactly 10 weeks ago, something huge happened.
It was momentous. Unbelievable. It felt like a miracle.
It was a miracle.
An online dictionary states the meaning of miracle as: “an extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore attributed to a divine agency.”
Well, maybe some parts were explicable, but if you knew the whole story, you yourself would call it a kind of miracle.
A kind of magic, as my friend Freddie Mercury says.
On this miraculous day forwards, I started to let people know in a series of codes that something was up with me, in my life, but by not actually telling them that something was up. 🤔
On the day in question, I called both my Mum and my sister. I wanted to talk to them, to hear their voice, for them to hear my voice. I had planned this, I had planned this all again… if I couldn’t see them on this momentous day, then I would at least talk to them over the phone, and tell them in my own hidden code way, speaking happily and easily, that things had finally turned.
Then I turned on my friends. I deliberately started picking words for my wordle night centred around a certain ‘theme.’ This was also a pre-planned event, something I had thought about for months before it actually happened. This went on for 9 weeks, and only in the last few days have they all found out the news, and my little wordle plan, tee hee hee.
I will now reveal that I also told you. ALL OF YOU. Exactly 10 weeks ago on this day, I started to say something.
Let me take you back there.
I penned a post, titled “Time for a poem.” Now this post wasn’t just marked under my “Gratitude” category, like every other post, it was also marked as “Special Edition” for a reason.
I have dabbled in poetry in the past, that is true. However this was a poem, a plan I had for a long time before this beautiful day came along. I always knew I was going to tell you, you, and you in code, and so I sat down, my mind reeling, my life changed for the better, hesitant and unsure and excited and cautious and scared and every emotion, but also HOPEFUL.
So freaking darn hopeful as I always have been.
And I wrote.
You need to look closely at the poem… I will screenshot it for you now.
If you take the first letter of each sentence (not line, sentence), you will see it spells something…
IMIGHTJUSTBE…
I might just be…
And on the following night, I finished my current poetry slam as I called it. Here are the screenshots again:
PREGNANT.
I MIGHT JUST BE… PREGNANT.
And I was.
I had done the home test the first night, and by the second day where I did my part 2 poetry slam, it had been confirmed via blood test. I was pregnant.
Words and emotions cannot even begin to describe how I felt. I’d been so cautious and nervous and tentative in those early days and weeks, and I think because of this my emotions now spill over, crying from happiness easily, at the drop of a bib, a baby mention, a thought about the beautiful future… all my happiness and love and gratitude is now spilling over.
When I began my gratitude journey all those years ago, I had no idea then that one of my biggest tests was to be this one: falling pregnant. I had no idea what lay in store, and perhaps it’s better I didn’t. I’ve gone down paths I never thought I would, seen people I’d never imagined, felt the depth of human emotion, and wished and hoped and prayed like I never had before.
After that day I kept dropping hints to you all, though these were teeny-tiny! Here are some of them:
In #2363 I wrote about looking forwards and how things were dragging. They were. I was desperate to get to at least 8 weeks (my self-determined first safe spot) and I also wrote about being tired, which I was then… very, very tired. Early pregnancy symptoms.
In #2364 I wrote of symmetry. The entire post is relevant, but my final line I love most: “As if there was ever any doubt.”
In #2365 I was overcome with fatigue and had to lie down. I never lie down during the day unless I am sick… or pregnant. 😉
In #2366 that ‘miracle’ word pops up when I talk about mother nature and sunsets. The metaphor is there.
In #2367 I was at my parents and enjoyed some home-made Sarma, known to non-Balkans as meat stuffed cabbage rolls, and oh my God me and baby loved it. I am loving salty foods from way back then, and the Sarma was just so agreeable to me! OMG!
In #2371 I was counting down, not just to the end of winter, but to telling my family and friends, and to getting to the end of the first trimester. A clue appears at the end of this post: “baby steps.” 😁
In #2375 I saw a heap of rainbows that day. They are a definite sign for me, and seeing the amount of them that I have since finding out I’m pregnant, has confirmed for me how true that is.
In #2378 I wrote “Her surprises.” The presents I spoke of that we bought for baby girl, were actually big sister items, and we told her that night that she was going to be a big sister.
She’s been loving and kissing my belly since, and I already know how lucky this baby will be to have her. 💖💖
In #2380 we saw 4 rainbows…. 4! More beautiful signs that things were progressing nicely. “That HAS to mean that better times are ahead.”
In #2388 I wrote of nicer things that were to come. My last line “At least things are still shining.”
In #2389 I wrote of my love for the Madonna song ‘Rain.’ There’s this quote, well there are many quotes that have actually saved me during this journey, but one that I am able to truly feel now is the quote
“Go laugh in the places you’ve cried. Change the narrative.”
I’ve cried through so many songs, and this song of release, with the metaphor of rain and storms, hit me in a different way.
“The last time I had listened to it I was different. The last time I had written about it I was different. Today, again different. I thought about life, the unexpected beautiful and difficult things that hit us in the face, throwing us off balance, I guess, a bit like unexpected rain.”
‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… it’s about learning to dance in the rain.’
🙏
In #2396 I wrote about watching the Elvis movie with two of my friends. I mentioned needing super-comfy pants, and I couldn’t have felt this more. After a filling dinner, and being 11 weeks pregnant, I needed my trakkies so bad, but obviously still was wearing and able to fit into my jeans (barely), so in the dark of the cinema actually unzipped my jeans and popped my button so I could breathe and not be in pain for 2 and a half hours! I don’t think my friends saw a thing. 😬😆
In #2397 I wrote about “Family abundance.” This is the night we told my parents and sister’s fam that we were expecting. Happy screams, shock and wonder filled the air!
In #2398 I wrote “We are so close!” It was the last day of July, and I was excited about August and ALL that it would bring.
“Spring begins to spring forth.
I for one, am sooo ready for this next stage.
BRING IT ON!”
In #2399 I spoke of my love for August.
“Everything in abundance. Happy times, happiness, everything growing in happiness.” (Including my belly!)
In #2400 I said “Just because.” An important blood test came back good, and I was crying from happiness, just sobbing. All the tension and unknowningness and uncertainty that had been plaguing me just went away. I was so unbelievably light and happy.
“I had a really good day. I feel like things are starting to fall into place, for me, for my family, and just living in and appreciating, relishing this every moment, makes me so happy, makes my heart full.”
In #2402 I talked about the cakes that I ordered for mine and baby girl’s birthdays… only thing is, mine was a baby reveal cake! We were going to announce our pregnancy during cake time for our birthday.
“My cake is the one I’m a little more excited about.”
How true that was! 😆😁
In #2405 I wrote “Better here than there.” Better to be busy and running around for something great, than to be like we were the last two years, sad and in lockdown.
“This year is sooo different, and despite the busy-ness and the craziness of it, I am so grateful for it also.”
Well, now you know why it’s so different, and it’s not just because lockdowns are over!
In #2406 I said decorations were off my to-do list, and said “We got some really special, nice ones.”
Along with the baby reveal cake, we got balloons that said ‘Oh baby,’ ‘Baby’ and one that had a young girl and read ‘I’m going to be a big sister.’
!!!!
#2411 was our HUGE day. Our close family and friends finally found out. And at the end of my post, after writing about hope, not losing it, and hanging on, I said it “was a big, and very special day.”
The day after in #2412 we told more people via phone who hadn’t been able to be there, dear family and friends. Therefore, “Spreading good news.” 💖💖
And that leads us to here! This moment, this reveal, this announcement. 🥰🥰
I am beyond happy. I also have a lot to share, and I’m still working out how to say it. Whether I say it via this blogging forum, or whether I write about it in another format, be sure that this is a subject I’ve learnt a lot about, having first-hand experience of all the trials and tribulations, and therefore have a lot of very strong opinions as well as hard facts from my own life.
I will end on this. You never know what is going on in someone’s life. Don’t be nosy. Don’t be rude.
Be kind. Be a friend. Be there for them. That is the best thing you can possibly do. If you do that and they need you, trust me, they will reach out.
I have of tonne of thank yous to make. Many of you reading this will get them in the coming months.
But first of all, for joining me on this incredibly hard but very rewarding journey… a big thank you.
We’ve only just begun. 🙏💖🤰🤰
carcrashgratitude 