#1932 What is (not) good

It dawned on me this afternoon.

The feeling. It was the same.

“You’ve got that lockdown feeling… oh that lockdown feeling

You’ve got that lockdown feeling and it’s gone, gone, gone

Freedom is gone.”

Ok so I am being cheeky changing the words to The Righteous Brothers. But that feeling of same, same, same, same, same house, was starting to seep it’s way back.

On a Monday, I would work from home. Maybe a quick shop to the bakery before picking up baby girl from school. then we were off! Straight to her swimming lesson, where she would get changed into her swim gear there, and have her lesson. Before the lesson she would sit with her swim buddy, and they adored each other, so I would be privy to all kinds of kid-crazy knock knock jokes before they ran amuck in their lesson.

During the lesson, I would email, message, write to-do lists, check social media. Then the other half I would chat to a parent there. She would get changed, then we would head home where she showered, I would start on dinner,.

Dinner was her and I. Hubbie was at basketball on Monday evenings.

And it would start all over again – the clean up, the get ready for school/work the next day. He would get home late, and we would spend what little family time we had before bedtime.

Pre-lockdown, I left the house. I was more social. I was busier.

Today… well I worked from home. Same.

Baby girl slept in ’til 11am. 11! She did like one homeschool task while I worked, and when I finished for the day…

We headed up to the balcony. We had our coffee/babycino break, in her words, to “enjoy the last day of Autumn.”

🥰😍

I defrosted outside.

Downstairs, still home. Washed two sinks worth of dishes as I helped her with more homework.

After that, I edited a story for a competition. She played on her ipad before getting called out by the neighbours’ kids, and then proceeded to yell over the fence with them until it got dark.

Hubbie didn’t have basketball. Things have been cancelled. Like the swimming. Like school.

Everything.

I prepared dinner slowly.

After we ate, we worked out this maths symbol challenge together, and then as I cleaned up, listened to Hubbie and baby girl do a crossword together.

Sure, we can’t go out, or do the things we used to do.

But we’ve been able to relax a bit. Stay together more. Slow it down a lot.

I will take the bad, but I will also take the good. 💖💖

#1931 The stage she is at, 7.9

She snuggles in close when we’re on the couch. Something sweet comes on TV… she puts her arm around me and leans on my shoulder.

We laugh hysterically at her Dad’s antics. We set each other off just by looking at each other: hers laughs are loud, addictive cackles that explode from her, wild and free; mine are silent laughs where my face contorts, as I hug my sides, gasping for breath.

We glance at each other as we lose control. So different, and so we laugh and laugh.

When she sits on my lap, she sits as close as she can. I nuzzle into her soft neck, notice her red cheeks, and kiss her precious head. She pulls me in closer.

I tuck her in at night. As I always have.

“You’re the best Mum.”

“And you’re the best daughter.”

Then she delays bedtime. Stories, search and find books, life’s greatest questions suddenly abound.

I kiss her goodnight again. She kisses me endlessly… it adds to the game.

I am stern, but grateful.

“Goodnight.”

She tosses, she turns. Eventually her breath turns even.

I love the stage baby girl is at.

I love the stage, we are at. 💖💖💖

#1930 Lockdown food

Lockdown ain’t much different than a Winter’s night.

I don’t know. It just felt like, same-same to me today.

And though it isn’t Winter yet, we’ve gotten PLENTY of previews lately. We were planning on staying in tonight anyway, so when lockdown was announced, we just upped our Saturday cook-at-home plans, and put on the heater.

I made some vanilla muffins during the day from the Rachael Finch program…

I pimp these up with bits of chocolate, because make these healthy treats a little more ‘family-friendly’ that’s why, and also we have enough chocolate from Easter to last us ’til Santa comes around again.

And at night, I made a recipe I had bookmarked, perhaps last lockdown? LOL.

Marion Grasby’s Hoisin Beef Noodles

Now this, OMG. Droooool.

That is all.

The longer we are in iso, the longer I’ll just make more recipes, read and write more, and clean the house more in a mad frenzy (OK that one not so much, but a little more 🤣🤣)

#1929 The Aussie dream

We achieved a dream today.

The Aussie dream.

Why, what could it be, you might ask?

We finally have – DUM DUM DAAAAAA! –

A deck!

A deck, a deck!

In fact, we are all so, so excited about it. We stood on it several times, even when it started to rain, and when it was first ready baby girl literally ran circles around it, you know, testing it out, breaking it in.

🤣

And it was totally legal today even in lockdown, since contractors have been allowed to work on pre-existing homes…

A beautiful place for us to share with family and friends.

Geez. Hurry up lockdown so we can actually have them over. 🤔😁

#1928 Grateful where I’m at, lockdown 4.0

I am both grateful that I’m not too bothered by this recent Victorian lockdown, while also feeling deeply sad and unsettled for those that are.

We didn’t have any plans, and wanted to spend the weekend at home anyway.

My biggest problem was that it was meant to be sunny/windy this weekend, and I had washing to do, but also wanted to go out with baby girl…

Well, that’s my decision made up then.

These aren’t problems. I am aware of that. I feel for those who will be surrounded by anxiety and uncertainty, struggling to even get through this week without worry and frustration.

I am reminded of a beautiful analogy about boats that I discovered during last year’s lockdowns.

It says that we are all in the same storm, but we are not all manning the same boats.

Some of us have tiny, unkempt, rickety dinghy’s, barely clinging for survival as we are rocked by the ominous sea, back and forth.

Others are in yacht’s that are self-manned, managing any water disruption effortlessly that won’t affect their straight course ahead.

I know what it’s like to be in that dinghy, thrown about by the ravaging waves, hoping that the storm will cease, yet only seeing heavy clouds up ahead.

Now? I’m somewhere in between, and I can see the waters are smooth up ahead… or so they seem. My boat is steady and I’m prepped for the worst, yet I have the storm experience and expertise to feel as if my personal storm may be coming to an end, on its last legs…

All you can do is be kind. Be kind to those in dinghy’s, struggling to stay afloat, with seemingly no way out. If you see one of these, move your boat along and make some room for them so that their path is at least without hindrance.

But if you are in the dinghy?

Hang on. Even storms get tired.

#1927 Northies!

“I am so glad covid is not on our side of town… let it be contained up there in the north,” I said today as Hubbie and I drove across town, towards…

The North.

😬😬🤣🤣

We had a couple of jobs to do which were pre-planned, so they were kinda hard to get out of amidst current covid craziness. We did our bits and pieces, kept our masks on, sanitised relentlessly, and for lunch went to a place we knew very well…

Northies! Or for those non-locals, Northland Shopping Centre.

Now you can call it ‘Northies,’ or you can be like everyone else and call it Northlands. Everyone I know EVER calls it Northlands, even though I believe in the history of the shopping centre it has never had the s attached to the end.

Just another Australian-ism I guess.

But, it was sweet, it was quiet… we walked the centre…

And I was reminded that almost 21 years ago we were walking the same centre, holding hands for the first time as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Awwww. 💖💖

Now that fact in itself either shows our age, or tells you that we got together young… a bit of both I guess.

It was a lovely couple of hours to while away the day, and who knows, might be the last outing for a while…?

I like to go back in time to reminisce, but standing by the side of someone whose been there for so long, while I do it…

It makes it all the more sweeter. 🥰🥰

#1926 Seek out opinions

Diagnoses.

Diagnoses, are dangerous.

Why?

Because a diagnosis puts a label on symptoms you have… symptoms that present differently for other people with the same diagnosis.

Symptoms vary, just as our human bodies, VARY.

Also, the opinion of health professionals varies hugely.

And I am not talking about Eastern versus Western medicine…

I am talking about Western, versus Western medicine.

IT VARIES.

These diagnoses give us labels, and we carry these labels around like identifiers. There may as well be a badge on you that reads:

SmikG. 37. Lives in south-east Victoria. Sufferer of – (LABEL).

It is all consuming. It takes over your world, and it takes over your life. All your day-to-day jobs will somehow lead back to this diagnosis. Everything you do, everyone you see, every place you go, you will be keeping this diagnosis, this label in mind.

Will the label be happy? Will it give me issue?

Can I plan too far ahead? How will my label take that?

They are horrible, horrible things. And you know why?

Because many times, they can be wrong.

Now if you have read this far, I am obliged to tell you that if you go to a health professional, you must be realistic and understand that they are trying to help you based on their personal experience and work expertise. They are saying what they believe to be true. If scans, tests, and other factual evidence supports their hypothesis, well you need to listen.

What I’m referring to is all the in-betweeners. Those weird cases, unexpected pains, things that appear out of nowhere and have no end date in sight… those random, rare cases where there appear to be no answers.

I’m talking about the cases where in your gut, you know something is off, but whatever you do and to whomever you go, you feel like they aren’t giving you the right answer either.

This is where you really need to listen to your gut.

This is what I’ve been doing.

9 months, 8 health professionals. Both Eastern and Western medicine. My monthly calendar looks like a jigsaw puzzle of various appointments, treatments and follow-ups…

But it was only today that one of them said something that made sense to me.

Things have been very slowly, making sense to me. Even though a part of me was trying to open up to the truth inside me for so long.

Earlier on, it was one thought… a really bad diagnosis.

Second, it was something else, just as bad really…

I know the power of these inefficient labels. I know the power and the weight they carry over us.

I know, because I’ve lived it.

But it wasn’t until today when I let go of these prior diagnoses, that I realised how much harm they were causing me, and how much others in my situation, searching for an answer, getting confused by contrasting opinion versus contrasting opinion, were getting emotionally ruined in the process.

It may appear like I’m cherry-picking answers, and only listening to the ones I want to listen to…

But you know what I am listening to? My gut. I’m asking my gut what makes sense, because my gut, my intuition, has been guiding me to the right place all along. 🙏

#1925 The special artwork

Tonight there was this after-hours thing at baby girl’s school.

It was an open invite, a ‘come-into-your-child’s-classroom-and-look-what-they’ve-been-doing’ thing, where you could partake in paper plane wars, or go around the specialist rooms for activities…

An inopportune time, really, at the timeslot of 630 to 730pm, our dinner time. But I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to see what has been happening in baby girl’s school either.

I’m happy I did.

We headed to the specialist STEAM room after baby girl threw a killer paper plane length. Now STEAM is an acronym for something arty, so I’ll just call it the art room or else you’ll think they’re having saunas during lunch or something. 🤣

In this tiny art room there were crammed like 50 people! And each table was dedicated to a different year level.

As we made our way to baby girl’s year level table, we saw… there were two of her artworks!

• 

• 

Now, this could be pure chance of the draw, but I’m gonna choose to believe that the teacher saw some real artistry in baby girl’s work, because you wouldn’t just pick two paintings from the one student when there’s barely 20 pictures on the table?

Tee hee hee. I had a proud Mum moment as I went *snap*

And then *snap* again.

😁😁

#1924 Home, but also away

I felt like I was holidaying it a little as I took my lunch up to the balcony today.

Of course. It’s these little luxuries that we ALL try to do in our lives, to make us feel like we’re a world away.

It gives us escape, a reprieve from the monotony of routine, and takes us back to said routine, all the more refreshed.

You might have a fancy coffee machine.

You might have an outdoor deck that’s the perfect spot for bringing friends and family together.

You might have a fire pit, cosy and warm for those icy nights where you can toast marshmallows and rug up with loved ones.

You might have a pool, that makes you feel like you live in a resort come summer time with drinks in your backyard.

You might have special artwork adorning your walls, reminding you of galleries near and far that you’ve visited.

You might just have a big TV that you like to plonk yourself in front of to take you away from where you are, if only for 90 minutes.

Or you might have a library of books, with a comfy armchair, that takes you to places and introduces you to people you can only imagine.

Or like us, you might have a balcony.

And the balcony may for you, like it does for us, re-centre you, remind you of the bigger picture, and allow you to dream BIG, bigger than what you ever thought possible…

💖💖💖💖

#1923 Like old times

Hubbie is on a 5 day leave trail.

I am on a 5 day leave trail.

And baby girl has 5 days off too.

Coming off the back of our Bright getaway, we were keen as to keep the holiday good vibes flowing.

We got the opportunity to catch up with some dear friends and their gorgeous baby boy, and let’s just say a baby that spits and farts on you, is a baby that feels super comfortable with you too.

Just sayin.’ 🤣

And then we were like, literally passing our old ‘hood… and we just couldn’t.

We couldn’t, NOT stop.

At Lygon. 🤩❤

We stopped for memories sake, to show baby girl where her dad and I practically lived at one point in our life, and hell, it’s Saturday, and the streets were alive!

I taught baby girl how to twirl pasta, and let’s just say she does a better job than some adults I know.

Like a boss. 🍝💪

• 

• 

•