#1283 My new furry friend

I haven’t written too much about the feline addition to our family. To be honest, I am a bit hard on Mister F.

I know I am being totally unfair. At the beginning I would constantly reference him to my childhood cat… let’s call her ‘Incredible.’ Incredible was a beautiful tabby. She was smart and friendly, with a touch of cheekiness and strong foundations in dependability, and was so obedient. Oh my. She never misbehaved or did anything wrong, and easily became the favourite cat of my parents too.

She was, quite simply, Incredible. 

She wouldn’t even meow when she wanted to be let out. You would just notice her gone, and then find her by the back door waiting for someone to come along and see her.

Incredible had a strong sixth sense too. I remember a few times in my late teens when I came home, and she was sitting on the front porch step, waiting for me to walk up even though I had been in Hubbie’s (then boyfriend) car for 10 minutes, having some kind of argument.

She sat and waited patiently.

I remember another time in my early teens, when I came outside to the back step and started to cry. Something had made me very sad. And she just stayed there with me. She didn’t meow for food. She didn’t do anything to suggest she wasn’t aware of my state of being… rather the way she went silent, sitting by my side and just being there, showed to me that she knew.

She was there for me.

It was a very hard day when I realised she wasn’t eating. I immediately knew something was up. A vet visit discovered a tumour, and it had spread inside of her. She was subsequently put to sleep.

My childhood best friend of 11 and a half years was gone.

I can then be forgiven for taking so long to get another cat. 16 years in fact.

I didn’t realise how much of Incredible was still in me. How much of her I still mourned when we got Mister F.

Mister F would jump up on the island bench… repeatedly – “Mister F! How dare you! Incredible never did that!”

Mister F started scratching our couch – “Mister F! Stop it! You’re so stubborn! Incredible always listened to us!”

Mister F would not eat, shock horror, cooked chicken – “If Incredible was here, she would smash your meal! You don’t appreciate good food, pft.”

Chicken was Incredible’s favourite.

But I’ve realised I have to lay off Mister F. I have to give him space to be his own cat.

I have to give him space to be his own kind of Incredible.

Today he showed me something that twigged something deep inside of me. I had come home upset about something, and sat on the couch quite despondent… he reached his paws up to the couch, before jumping up next to me.

He didn’t just stay there though. He went further, placing his paws on my legs, as if to say “hey, I’m here.”

I pet him. Sure this cat wanted attention. But again and again he came back, resting his paws on my leg, and I couldn’t help but think, ‘there’s something here.’

Just like that day on the back step with Incredible, now I could see Mister F’s sixth sense… there was something incredible happening.

Mister F was there for me. And he got in quite close, leaning against me as I sat there, thinking.

We can’t all be Incredible. But in Mister F’s case, I think he is on his way to becoming Mister Fantastic.

#1268 Two steps forward, one step back

A little bit different and backwards to the Paula Abdul and random cat song, Opposites Attract…

“I take, two steps forward, I take two steps back…”

But that is what we are here, we are different. Good for some… not so for others.

Good for baby girl, because she had two bits of good news today… she moved two steps forward. Firstly she moved up a word group level at school, already so soon after having moved up not so long ago, so she was stoked, as were we.

And then after school she moved forward again, when she was at swimming and moved up to another swimming group! She had been getting tested by the walking swimmer-all-overseer, and when the woman bobbed down to tell her the good news, after having watched her give her all, diving like a fish, kicking like a kangaroo and putting everything she had into doing an olympic time across the swim lane, baby girl yelled “YIPPEE!” before doing a massive splash into the shallow end.

I knew what was going on before the woman came over to tell me.

I was so happy for her. I still am. She is heading into the BIG POOL.

Dum da dum dum.

But I am sad for myself because it is August and I am sick! Sick.

“I take two steps back…

More like ‘one’ step. WAAAA.

But you know what? Like all of Motherly sacrifices, I would rather it be her, than me…

It’s still crap. I am just hoping like the song goes…

“But when we get together it just all works out.”

 

#1261 Letting it all out

When was the last time you cried?

Let it ALL out?

I don’t mean a pathetic weeping. I am talking a full-fledged, soul-shaking, whole body performance that tremors with the waves of emotions like sea water crashing across the shore.

It’s obviously best done with someone you trust. Someone you love.

Even better perhaps, when you are on the phone.

You can ugly cry all you want. Screw up your eyes and let your snots hang dangerously low, let the teardrops make splatters on your pants, stain your top.

And although the beginning of such a sob session may start off as solemn, downcast, and awfully depressing… something wonderful does come out of it.

Nothing may have changed. Nothing major anyway. Buy you not only gain a different perspective from hearing someone else repeat your words, but you feel somewhat lighter too.

The load has been dispersed. Instead of one huge boulder on your back, the expression of your deepest sadness may have allowed some of that boulder to chip away, and leave instead, large stones.

And the more that you walk along, and on with life, the more likely it is that some of those large stones may slowly start to roll off…

And so on.

Nothing changes overnight… But it is the knowledge of someone lending an ear, while you also let loose, allowing the internal waterfall to pour out, that actually makes all the difference.

#1252 Sawing away at negativity

Today I took out the saw. Both in the literal and metaphorical sense.

The first time it was intentional. I literally went to the garage, got out Hubbie’s saw, and took to the task of pruning old branches from my rose bushes with focus and determination. I knew what I had to do. I had been planning to do it for months. I took joy in the process.

Sawing. Cleansing. Removing the old to make way for the new. A new stage was emerging. Soon the dry leafless branches would be filled with green foliage and ravishing ruby red roses. 🌹

Tonight… again the same.

But instead I took out the saw… metaphorically.

This one wasn’t planned.

I didn’t go into it with purpose. It was something I had been kind of putting off.

But yet like the rose bushes, it was something that needed to happen.

I paused. Hesitated. Sure I knew what HAD to be done… I had known for years. I didn’t accept it though. Recently, this year I knew I had to take out the largest tool in my figurative shed, and rid myself of the negativity, the anger, the frustrations and deep-seeded hurts that had planted and manifested themselves in my body.

You would think letting go of such harmful things would be easy, favoured, wanted even… but often we hold onto our hurts, because they are so familiar. They are all we know. Sure moving on is most beneficial, but it requires starting again… and then there is forgiveness.

The thing that has struck me most about forgiveness is this: you don’t forgive for those that have hurt you… you forgive to lighten your heart, soul, mind and body, and give yourself the freedom to live your life unweighted by unnecessary hurts.

I always knew this… do you think it was easy to implement, in spite of the sadness?

No. This glass half-full gratitude girl has been struggling for YEARS.

But tonight, a change. I took little steps… and maybe the fruits of my labour won’t show themselves for a little while… they won’t sprout green leaves and red roses like my cherished flowers as soon… but there is sign of life.

Seedlings have been planted, and my saw has taken to the old ways with understanding and gentleness.

Yes, you can be gentle with a saw.

Really, there is to be no more.

Remember… do it for yourself. You are the one that matters. The saw is in your hands.

 

 

#1247 When Hubbie comes home

You know when you have one of those ‘days?’

I feel like I have been having one of those ‘days’ for about 108 hours straight now.

Yes I slept in. But it was only because baby girl is still sick, and therefore had to miss out on her first day back at school.

Now I have a headache. I am getting sick.

And these endlessly rainy, windy and dreary days are getting me down soooo badly.

I need some genuine, bona fide, sunlight. ☀

And then this evening, Hubbie came home from work. 🙏🙌😀

And you know how they say a change is as good as a holiday?

Well he coming home… same difference.

You just need someone to help lift the mood.

A group, family hug.

You need to feel love. 💟

 

#1245 A reason for the ddrraaaagggggg

This end-of-work transition is taking FFOOORRREEEEVVVVEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I ttthhiinnkk I nneeeeddddd ttttooooo ssstttaaarrrrtttt wwwrrriiittiiinngg lliikkee tthhiiss ttoo ffullllyyyyyy eexxppllaaiiinnn ttttooo yyyooouuu jjuusssstttt hhhhoooowwww mmuuucccchhh oofff aaaaa dddrrrrraaaaggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg iitttt fffeeeellllsss lliiikkkkeeee.

Is that annoying? Frustrating maybe?

My sentiments EXACTLY.

You know I stopped collecting coffee cards from my Saturday café a good 2 months ago. I did it because I was sure (ha!) that we would be finishing about June ‘time,’ as initially indicated… that is of course, after the first few dates were ‘indicated,’ and then delayed, to the June date.

It is now July.

🤨

If I had kept collecting cards and stamps for my Saturday work shifts, I would have gotten a free coffee by now.

I tell myself, there must be a reason for this. This long, dddrrraaaawwwwnnnnn out process.

So often in life we look back at an event that made NO SENSE WHATSOEVER at the time, and yet in retrospect we gain an enormous amount of clarity, insight, growth, and a bigger look at how all the little and intricate (and sometimes annoying) pieces have fit together perfectly.

I am still at that stage where I am gathering the outer edges of my 10,000 piece puzzle, and in the middle is just this whole smudge of red colour and I have no idea out of the hundreds of the same pieces, where to start.

Something like that. 😏

But, there is an end… or is there?

Mid-August now they say.

Let’s see what happens.

This morning I exited the café with my new coffee loyalty card in wallet, now stamped for one. The warmth of the cup in my hand was little consolation for the cold that abruptly smacked my face as I exited the protection of the shop. Like little pebbles of ice pelting upon my face, nose, exposed hands, the lower parts of my ears peeking out from under my beanie…

A bit longer. Keep on going.

There is a reason, isn’t it? The reason isn’t just delayed relief and release, right?

For now I can just say…

‘Onwards.’ 😉

From 4 weeks away, to maybe indefinitely.

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