#1404 My mini Angel

I plopped down on the couch after school pick up this afternoon, tired, uninspired and still feeling ‘ugh.’

There is no worse feeling than feeling – ‘UGH.’

I channel surfed. I soon, amazingly, saw that an episode of Angel was to be starting shortly.

Angel? What, MY Angel? I’ve said it so many times before but I’ll say it again: when you see a show on TV that you have in your DVD collection, for some reason there is an intense urge to WATCH IT IMMEDIAELY ON TV…. even as like I said, you can watch it on demand whenever you like…

Because you have your own copy.

But as always, I started to watch. I had to do dinner…

But, stuff that. I kept on watching.

Baby girl happened across a fight scene, and I tried to quickly change the channel – not so much for the violence, it was more about these kinds of faces –

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Vampire faces.

She was onto me though, and asked to watch it, but I said it was a grown up show that Mummy used to watch and tried to steer her away.

However she came in again towards the last 10 minutes… and this time I went ‘stuff it.’

(I won parenting today).

I warned her though! I said “I don’t want you having nightmares!”

“You can leave if you get scared.”

“You know this is all pretend, it’s pretend okay?”

She excitedly sat next to me and got comfy in the couch, and so I began the Angel world-building…

“That’s a bad guy. Don’t worry Angel is trying to kill him. He’s bad. He’s a vampire.”

“Angel is a vampire too, but he’s a good vampire.”

“Honestly don’t worry about that guy. He’s bad.”

“That’s how vampires die… don’t freak out! It’s just dust.”

… and so her introduction to Angel was born. ♥

 

#1383 The (no) friend game

It’s not pleasant as a parent to hear that your child hasn’t had the best day.

Worse still, when they say “I wanted to play with them and they wouldn’t let me.”

It still stings to write and think about, and this is a story in hindsight.

But it happened, and it happens, and unfortunately it’s one of those things that will continue to happen, for almost all kids at one time or another in their schooling life.

Baby girl told me the above yesterday, and it ate me up WHOLE. I feel so intrinsically connected to her that I myself was slighted by the fact that some girls hadn’t let her play with them, and she’d had to succumb to playing on her own.

Hubbie told me what he always tells me: “it’s how kids are. They can be shitty.”

Yeah, I get it. It doesn’t mean that it hurts any less.

Seriously, it is so much harder for the parents. Kids are fairly resilient. Although baby girl pointedly told me what happened, it didn’t seem to affect her mood or disposition, and I had to remember that out of all the days of the year she had been at school so far, she had said something like the above, only a handful of times.

So, where is my gratitude? Well today she told me she played hide and seek, tag, and red light green light with half her class. I was grateful to hear she had a good day, grateful that she had friends to play with, and grateful that, most of the time, she is a lot tougher than me. ♥

#1380 Sister’s drop by

It came at the best time for my sister to call in on an impromptu visit.

She had spotted something on facebook marketplace, without even searching for it, and decided she needed a real-life inspection.

What do you know, it was in MY neighbourhood.

What do you know, when she got talking to the seller, they had A LOT in common.

What do you know… when the seller said something about the Universe bringing you what you need, sis was thinking the exact same thing.

What do you know.

But do you wanna know what is most freaky?

I was looking for a sign. A sign that someone up there gave a shit about me today. A sign that someone was listening. A sign that not all efforts were futile, a sign that some semblance of my life still mattered.

And what do you know… my sister dropped by.

Just like that.

I’ve been having some really crappy days in amongst this late-Spring random cold I’ve caught, and it’s subsequently messed with my head… but all I can say is, the drop by tonight was not only welcome…

It was my mental saviour.

Thanks sis. ♥

 

#1367 Bathing it away

I’m actually kinda surprised. After getting rained on after school drop off, and having to witness my cat totally drugged out with pupils like saucers due to his new meds… I was almost laughing today.

You know when thing after thing goes wrong, and you literally look up to the sky and say “what now?”

But I amazed myself in my strength. I thought all this crap would have worn me down… but instead, like the main character in my book says “BRING IT ON.”

Maybe I’m somehow channeling her. Maybe I’m gaining inspiration through her fictional self. Either way, I moved on from the crap, and set myself up for…

A blissful bath.

There is always a reason why I shouldn’t have a bath. There are always 58 things I should be doing instead of lying in water, alone, breathing in to my thoughts.

But I’ve learnt by now that time like this isn’t a luxury… it’s a necessity.

So. Candle light. A steaming bath. The meditative sound of a slowly dripping tap, against the backdrop of howling winds outside the window.

Steam rises above me. The air is damp. I sink into the watery cocoon and let it swallow me whole, my body submerged by all that is peaceful, all that is good.

And with it my mind and soul slide into a place where my equilibrium is restored, and everything makes sense.

 

#1366 Moving on when shit gets hard

Ohhhhh.

It’s been one of those days.

I have been to the vet more in these past 6 weeks for our cat Mister F, then I ever have been for the 11 and a half years I had my childhood cat.

We’ve had Mister F for only 7 months now.

Lately, it feels like shit just keeps getting thrown my way.

Smile. Nod. No, things are getting better…

Shit.

Breathe in. Deep sigh. Step forward…

Shit storm.

Hold my head high. Shake the shit off…

MORE shit.

So there comes a time when you just go ‘enough is enough.’

I am going to whinge, and I am going to be cranky.

I am ALLOWED to be.

It’s been one of those days.

But then again, I laugh to myself (sarcastically of course)…

It feels like it’s been one of those weeks.

Months.

Shock horror… years even.

NOT JOKING.

Despite my hissy fits and bitch-fests about life today, I actually realised something.

I wasn’t throwing in the towel… because doing so would be so easy, right?

You stop trying. You stop hoping. You stop trying to make things better for yourself.

You just give up and… WAIL.

But I wasn’t there today. And I think despite all the crap flung my way, I felt a bit like “huh… okay.”

I wasn’t trying to pep myself out of it. I wasn’t trying to deny myself the negative feelings either. That would have been a disservice to myself, and been a bad move in the long run.

Withheld feelings are never a good thing.

But I just dealt with it. I am still, dealing with it. I think what I have come to realise is that this gratitude game takes a lot of work… even for a glass half-full gal like myself.

You can’t control everything. You can’t control life.

But you can control yourself. And sure I was no Mary Poppins today…

But also, that wouldn’t have helped me.

I guess what I am trying to say, is I am happy with my healthy reaction.

Pissed off. Cranky pants. Shit happens.

Shit happens again. And again. And again.

And so bloody what? 

Let’s move on now.

YES. Let’s move on… NOW.

 

#1345 A cloudy walk to clarity

My head matched my surroundings when I woke this morning: cloudy, dreary, flat.

It was so grey. And today, I couldn’t just do what I’ve been doing every other day… I just couldn’t. Every other day I come back home from school drop off, sit down in front of the computer, and I BLEED FROM MY FINGERTIPS.

Okay, clearly I am making that up. Rather, I pour all of my head out onto the screen before me, consequently judging it, questioning it, and believing after all that it is ALL CRAP.

So, same same.

I do this rain, hail, or shine. All three things we’ve had in the last week, so I’m not even being melodramatic over that one either.

But, I was spent. Done. After sending off my second submission for my online course last night, I needed a break.

I needed to walk.

But first… (what else but? – )

Coffee.

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I walked down the street to a great local cafe. I grabbed the paper and a mag as I waited for my coffee fix, surprised that everyone was sitting inside and not outside like me!

Sure it wasn’t the brightest of days… but I needed the air. The freshness. The stillness and the birds landing on the nearby chair to see if I had left them any crumbs.

I sat there for a while without a care in the world, sipping my cap which was well past lukewarm, and turning page after page.

Ahh. I really needed this.

But I wasn’t done. Not by a long shot. I kept walking straight and hit another vision… the water.

I paused at one lookout before randomly deciding to walk down a bushy path amongst the trees, with a lookout of the water to the left of me.

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I walked down that path… and then I decided to head down a narrower, bushier, steeper path.

THE WHOLE TIME I was making sure I wasn’t going to walk into a massive spider web, or there wasn’t a snake about to slither by my feet. Alongside those two very natural, very Aussie fears was the realisation I was truly off the beaten track, and there was no one else around.

NO ONE.

It was both terrifying, and thrilling. Anything could happen, and no one would know…

I ended up at one lookout.

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Then another.

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And another.

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I kept winding and switching paths, trying to keep my orientation clear in case I got lost and had to go back… but I managed to make it back out onto the main street, ALIVE.

And that walk through the wilderness had made me feel alive. My head was no longer heavy, or cloudy, or messed up.

I soon got back home, changed into my trakkies… and sat at my computer.

Ready to bleed again. 🙂

 

#1336 Dress up, to not get down

Fake it ’til you make it.

That was my motto, my mantra today.

On a day where I both wanted to shy away from social interactions, yet didn’t want to be alone, I found myself in an annoying predicament…

Do I go, or do I stay?

I knew getting out was inevitable, and also that it would help my mood drastically. I knew that from the innermost depths of my soul.

It was still a tricky emotional state to manoeuvre.

So how did I overcome it?

I faked it.

I dressed up. I thought at the very least, if I looked good, I would start to feel good. There’s nothing like putting on a new outfit, and seeing yourself in the mirror as a completely well-adjusted, satisfied and sparkling person, to make you question any previous flailing thoughts about you, your life or current situation.

Because new clothes are real good at hiding your thoughts.

And, it worked. I had a great time, faking it, until I believed it.

And just in case I needed another pick me up?

Well, there is always coffee. 🤩☕

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