#3046 Looking sunnies again

Yesterday amidst all the sleeplessness I went and did something that peeved me right off.

I broke my sunnies. They looked broken anyway. I had placed them on the passenger side seat when out doing jobs with Hubbie and baby boy, and I did that because when I put baby boy in his seat, often my sunnies hit the top of the car since they’re on my head… being all sleep-deprived and crap, I thought ‘let me spare them.’

And then my butt spared them. 🤦‍♀️

I didn’t hear any crunch, but I did suddenly feel them against my lower back when I sat down, of course since I had forgotten I had put them there a minute ago, you know sleep deprivation and all…

I was really shattered. I was so upset already about other things, (including no sleep forever) I started to cry. Hubbie was like, ‘don’t cry over your sunnies.’

But it was so much more.

I was like, how much more shit could I take?

Secondly, I really loved this pair.

Thirdly, if I could get them repaired, how could I even go anywhere what with our crazy schedules?

And last, I actually had a voucher for a Sunglass Hut, but again, NO TIME, so again, this just felt like another job to add to the to-do list, the current ever-growing list that seems to always have stuff being added to it, with no set end date, a real proper frustrating work-in-progress list.

But then overnight, something happened.

Other than sleep (praise 🙏) things were occurring to me.

I had already decided that I needed to get some more navy pants for baby girl for school, and that we might go this afternoon.

I had also realised that this shopping centre had a Sunglass Hut. I bought my sunnies from another centre, which is why I kept forgetting this other, closer one, could actually, possibly help me with my problem…

Anyway, fast forward to this afternoon, and we popped into the Sunglass Hut. I was there, showing her my sunnies, asking about repairing them…

And the sales assistant had a look over, and then very gently popped them into place!

I WAS SO GRATEFUL!

She even tightened the sides and gave my lenses a clean (bless) and I was oh so grateful I bought some more sunglass lens cleaner so she could at least get something out of my visit.

Sure they are a little firm on that damaged side, but I’m so happy I get to keep wearing them, I don’t care.

And that my friends is the extra light in my day that gave me a jump in my step. 😁

#3045 When comparison helps

You know what made me feel better today?

Seeing a toddler crack the shits today.

Honestly, it’s been that kind of day/week/month. I had just been looking at other Mums with their together kids, happily in the pram on walking beside them, just chill, you know, not trying to ruin the day with tantrums or whatever it is toddlers like to do. 🤣

And I was wondering why we had the challenging child, the one that pushes boundaries and runs into things, wants to break everything, keeps us up at night because of EVERYTHING, wants to hurt themselves by throwing themselves off the couch or climbing up the stairs, why did we get the one that wants to destroy us????? 🤣

And then I saw this boy, older than baby boy, crack a really good tanty, and I went ahhh.

Obviously I felt for the mum, but honestly I felt a lot better too. I felt better to see a realistic kid, a realistic Mum, and a realistic scenario that didn’t make me feel like we are losing the battle.

🙏

#3039 Life perspective

Baby boy got up about 5 times last night, and I tended to him nearly every time.

As expected, I was short on my fuse today, finding it hard to move past little things. I was emotional too, due to lack of sleep not just last night, but lack of any routine regular sleep for over a year now.

But then I read something in the school newsletter.

One of the school lollypop men had passed away early last month. I hadn’t even spoken a word to him I think, ever, since baby girl crosses at the main entrance, and this man was at the side not as busy entrance.

But still, I drove by him nearly every day. I knew his face. And hearing that he had died so suddenly, after such a swift and brutal illness, made me really sad.

I didn’t even know his name ’til today. And it all made me really sad, this man who I had been seeing almost every day for years, just gone.

And that’s life. And that perspective, of life, of death, here one minute, gone the next, it just made me see my sleeplessness in a whole other light.

Sure, our problems are still our problems. No one can take the hardship out of them. We still have to live them. But when presented against something so stark and grim and definite, suddenly any huge significance initially attributed to said ‘problem’ goes away very quickly.

Suddenly I’m happy for my problems.

After reading this, I hope you are too. 🙏

#3033 Focus Friday

I question myself lately – what is this that I’m feeling?

Is it seasonal depression?

Is it the culmination of 14 months of sleeplessness?

Is it frustration at the inability to do ANYTHING?

Is it just life being hard right now?

Is it the fact that shit’s hit the fan so many times this month?

And I look around me and around me and around me, and Hubbie reminds me of the bigger picture, which I love him for.

Things happen that put a smile on my face, little signs from the Universe saying ‘the storm is passing, here, here are some golden rays to keep you going.’

Golden rays in the form of baby boy staring at me intently today as I said ‘spectacles’ over and over, making him giggle again and again.

Golden rays in the form of an opening coming up for a writing workshop that had been booked out, but I got the sole free ticket today.

Golden rays in the form of drive-through coffee (because someone stole my sleep again last night 🙄)

Golden rays in watching baby girl and baby boy play together, chasing each other around the table.

Golden rays in it being FRIDAY!

Yes, things feel crappy at times, but the things I have that make me happy, they are big, bold, beautiful things, and they outweigh all the little itty bitty shitty things that keep me distracted.

But I need to stay focused.

#3030 Camomile tea

I’m grateful for that soothing tea at the end of the day. 🙏🫖

#3023 Surviving the day

You know when there are a lot of tricky things happening, and you’re counting them down to the end of the day?

Both Hubbie and I had those today, work, car related, and then there were issues with our cat thrown into the mix by the end of day… and that’s not even including the daily care that comes with having kids, and all of THAT STUFF.

But we got there. Takeaway dinner it was, stack the dishwasher, do the bare minimum, and now we are sitting on the couch just letting the day wash away as we get closer to sleepy-land.

Ahhh.

#3018 Comfortable and grateful in the unknowing

I think there comes a point in time where you just settle into the baby/toddler stages of parenthood with a sense of ‘this is how it is.’

It’s an acknowledgement that although things may not be perfect – in sleep, eating, awake times or behavioural habits – things are still beautiful, and perfect in their imperfection.

Now I say this with extreme reluctance and caution, because with baby boy it always does feel like ‘something’ is looming around the corner ready to throw everything upside down. But I’ve been getting the increasing sense that things are getting better, things ARE good, and despite the setbacks, hiccups, and difficult moments, this is the best place to be.

It’s an acknowledgement that only can come after a considerable amount of time. I think at the beginning with a newborn, you are dealing with such sleep deprivation and with so much up in the air, that it is often difficult to accept the hard times, because they seem never-ending. You have loss of freedom, days and nights feel the same, and you feel a slave to the baby.

But only after repeated, repeated, REPEATED up and down moments, where it’s good, then bad, then better, then bad again, then good, etc… only then can you start to see the slow progression towards better days, and even revel in and enjoy the moments that pain you.

Take current nap times and bedtime for instance. We rock baby boy to sleep at bedtime and for his main nap of the day, and although my arms feel like they are going to break, when he finally falls asleep I find myself staring at him adoringly.

And today I had a really sweet moment with him. Baby girl had a friend over for a play date, and baby boy and I were in the other room giving the girls some space… we were rolling around on some cushions on the floor, I was lifting him in the air, he was grinning at me… and I said to him “of course, of course it was always going to be you!”

It was always going to be him. This curious, cheeky, determined boy, it was always going to be him. 🥰💙

And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sore arms and all. 🙏

#3017 Super-Hubbie-coffee-man

We’ve had a shitty couple of days with some setbacks, and then this morning the poo hit the fan again.

It was a minor thing, but you know how one thing heaps onto another, and it’s all kind of small and annoying, but it gets you feeling REALLY stressed out and cranky?

And then the weather was all GREY and down and cold and depressing?

I was feeling a bit lowly, and then I was suddenly hungry… but it wasn’t lunchtime, though it was close, and I had to start work soon, so I felt like I didn’t have much opportunity to organise some kind of snack…

But then Hubbie came to the rescue!

He went to our local neighbourhood cafe to get us both coffees, a shared banana bread (my most favourite one in our town) plus a cute little gingerbread for baby girl.

He was a very popular guy when he got home. We were all very happy and showering him with praise, and I went on with my day a whole lot easier after that late brunch treat. 🥰

#2991 Feeling a-breast with it all

I found myself wanting to stay home today. It felt a bit much trying to buy groceries with baby boy in tow, and I felt a bit tired and under the weather, so I chilled with baby boy.

I played with him, read him books. I followed him up the stairs, going step by step, sliding up as slowly as he did, providing a human-sized protective buffer so he couldn’t fall backwards.

I found myself really enjoying this chill time. It proved to me that I really do need to slow down at times, to just take things easy, and give myself these days where I don’t do much else other than be with baby boy.

He loved it. So did I.

I’m not quite sure what the segue is here, but I felt a strong need to share the above. Maybe I’m just happy with where I’m finally at, because the last year has been an absolute whirlwind, in the best, and worst ways.

What else happened today was I bought myself some little celebratory cupcakes. You see I saw on social media someone else asked about these, for the same celebratory reason, and as soon as I saw this I went “YES! I deserve these!”

They are boobie (breast) cupcakes, to celebrate my breastfeeding journey. 💖💖

A week ago I stopped breastfeeding. From those very early days, where I was demand-feeding, literally feeding sometimes up to 20 times in 24 hours, to eventually feeding him only once a day, in the morning, in the past few weeks, I felt like I’ve been through a journey and a half.

The breastfeeding itself wasn’t an issue, initially anyway. He latched on fast, learnt the technique well, and we settled into a very demanding schedule, where I felt all I was doing was feeding him.

But it was ok, and it was working, even though I was severely sleep-deprived, a state that would last much, much, much longer than I ever realised.

But then we worked with a sleep consultant for the lack of sleeping, and although we got him onto some kind of better sleep schedule, the stress of that, the very high stress of that, hearing him cry and crying my own eyes out, I developed breast issues.

I know that that makes it sound like the stress caused it, and while there is no proof, I am almost 1000% sure that that’s why I got what I got. Pain, shooting, burning, fire, heat, like stabbing knives… it was on and off, both mild and intense to the point of crying out in pain, and it lasted from late August until it intensified in December and early January. After interventions from a private lactation consultant, it finally went away.

I had developed sub-acute mastitis – basically, inflammation of the breast. I had to search high and low to find answers, it was probably one of the most excruciating pains I’ve ever felt, and I’VE BEEN THROUGH CHILDBIRTH. TWICE.

I had family telling me to stop breastfeeding, and I was so torn. Torn because you can’t just stop breastfeeding cold turkey, as that can create more issues. But I was close, literally months away from weaning baby boy once he was a year old, and sure it would get bad, then it would go away for a couple of weeks, so I would think it was ok… then it would come back… then go away. And so on and on it went, and the closer I got to him being a year, I grew more stubborn about holding on ’til then, I was sooo close, but it also got worse, and felt worse.

This is all behind me now of course. As I mentioned, I came across a lactation consultant close to home, who thankfully for me was able to respond to my call for help, even during the New Years Day holiday weekend. She was a Godsend, she knew exactly what was happening to me, and put me on a combination of supplements to help heal my breast inflammation.

I write all of this to say that I feel so happy and grateful to be here where I am now – finished with breastfeeding, on my terms, and most importantly, without breast pain. To live with any kind of pain day in and day out is unbelievably hard, and I feel for those with chronic pain that suffer daily. I am so happy to be on the other side, even though I must admit it felt bittersweet in the last days, knowing this stage of my life, this providing nourishment stage, was going to be over! I felt sad at times, but I am also happy to have a little bit of me back too.

So these cupcakes are a huge celebration. There will be no streamers, no band, no balloons – but I feel like there should be with everything I’ve gone through. Nevertheless, in my mind I know what I’ve had to endure, and I am so proud, knowing I am stronger than I ever thought possible to get this far.

This isn’t a ‘breast is best’ post either. I know some mums are unable to breastfeed, and I know there are others that deliberately choose to bottle feed from the outset. Neither of these decisions makes you less of a person, less of a mother. I chose this path for me, and this is the path I wanted to see out. That is all.

Just in case anyone out there needs to know, you are stronger than you think. Trust me. I know.

Happy breastfeeding celebration day to me! 🥰💖

#2970 Accepting this baby stage

I’ve gone over the above heading repeatedly, both because technically baby boy is now a toddler, but also because even with that fact, I find it really hard to steer away from the baby term, especially when sleep is still so up and down.

But we passed a pretty massive crossroad the other day, and I felt I needed to mention it in case anyone out there needed to hear it.

Although we sought out sleeping help many months ago, which in some part helped – baby boy can self-settle overnight, can fall asleep pretty well in his pram or the car – we still get night wakes, and he’s now dependent on us once again to fall asleep, meaning we need to rock him to sleep.

This is for the main day nap (the morning one is on the go) and at bedtime, and overnight when he wakes.

We fell into old habits. We were used to a certain amount of his fussing, even crying a bit at night when we put him down. But then he would cry more, and we would tend to him more. And we just didn’t like the feeling, of walking away, or hearing him cry for longer than we liked, so we started carrying him more.

The other day I spoke to a maternal health nurse about this. She said although he can self-settle, the reason he still wakes is because the deeper part of his sleep that is longer at the start of the night, becomes shorter as he sleeps, and the lighter part of his sleep goes in reverse, from shorter to longer, resulting in wakes, where he wants to be put back to sleep the way he was, at the start of the night.

By us holding him.

I felt really, really despondent when I heard this. She offered a free service where they could come into the home and help us with settling techniques, routine, etc. I have already gone all through this. I am even fairly confident that my breast issues came about in part from all the stress associated with going through this the first time.

And then I happened to overhear two Mums at the library. At storytime, the other day. One was telling the other about how amazing sleep school is. She said, the secret was simple really.

It involved crying it out.

There was no secret. There is no actual secret. All of these things just involve babies crying at various intervals. Some are gentler, sure. There are more check-ins, pats, etc. But others, as this Mum explained, went up to 20 minutes.

I was horrified. I had been scarred from hearing baby boy settle/cry/scream for 2 minutes, let alone 20.

I am not here to pass judgment, though it may seem that way. I am only talking about my personal experiences, everything I have gone through the pass year, and I can only speak about my baby. Other babies may be more mild-mannered, gentler, adaptable and flexible. They might adjust quicker to these techniques.

Our baby is not that way inclined. He is loud when he wants something, and he lets you know about it.

And we love it. 💞

Tearfully, I told Hubbie about what I had overheard, even the clincher which I hear so much, the Mum saying “they cry because they are protesting, it’s ok to leave them to cry.”

(I bet that if anyone heard baby boy cry, they would not think it was ok).

We decided, together, that…

We just had to suck it up.

I wasn’t going through that settling stage again. Sure, if I felt he was ready, or was in a happy mood as I took him for his sleep, maybe I would pop him in the cot, pat him, sing to him, but only if he seemed ready.

I had to accept, this was our baby, our journey, and this is how it was gonna be.

And I have to say, once I stopped fighting the reality, I felt better.

I felt like we would make it. We can make it. I don’t know how long until baby boy can fall asleep on his own, but I will support him in that. My back may be affected, my arms might get awesome muscles (😁🤦‍♀️) and my time will be taken, but I don’t care.

We are content in our decision and are supporting one another, and when I think about it… this is all I wanted all along, right? The crying, the laughing, the sleepless nights, the great naps, all of it, the bad and the good…

Because that is motherhood, that is parenting, and that is having a kid.

I wanted it all, and now I got it all. And I am so grateful to be accepting that, finally. 🙏

I rock him now to sleep, and I feel… ok. He will only fit in my arms like this for so long. 🥲💖💙🙏