#2628 My little big helper

I definitely feel better when I have something to look forward to, someone to see, somewhere to go. Sleep or no sleep (obviously sleep PREFERRED πŸ™Œ) it’s these things that keep me sane and moving on, keeping on.

I headed out with baby girl and baby boy today. Just to the Main Street, to check out some stuff, buy this, see that. It was a bit nerve-wracking at first, since baby boy cracked it as soon as we entered the shopping centre.

But I had my helper, my mini me with me. πŸ™β€ She was there to help me out, push the pram, pass me this, hold that down, so on and so forth, so that baby boy eventually went down for a nap in the pram and we got our shopping done.

It was made more apparent to me how much I relied on her, and what great support she was to me, when at the start of our shopping trip we got into the lift with another mum and her toddler in a stroller. She heard baby boy crying, and said sympathetically “poor baby.”

I told her that we were still in the newborn stage, and she joked she didn’t miss thst time at all (who can blame her?) before telling me I was doing well to be out at all, that she’d be too scared to have done the same.

It was baby girl’s support. She made all the difference. β€πŸ™

I don’t know what I’d do without her, where I’d be. πŸ™ (Not at the shops with a 5 and a half week old, that’s for sure!)

#2617 Classroom visit

Baby girls school did an ‘open classroom’ thing today. For a couple of hours at the end of the day, their classrooms were open to parents and carers to come and visit and see what the students had been doing.

This timing was perfect for us. Hubbie has Tuesday afternoons off work now, and I of course am off work for an important, entirely different reason other than rostering… plus I have been going stir crazy.

So we went to visit baby girl’s classroom today. Hubbie, I and her baby brother tagging along. πŸ₯°

We pushed the pram into the classroom and baby girl saw us and ran to us! She was so excited, jumping up and down, calling her teachers to tell them we had arrived, with her friends excitedly milling around to get a glimpse at her baby brother.

We had a great session placing our thumbprints on a classroom family tree, playing maths games with her, and almost everyone, including the principal who stopped by, was leaning over to catch a peek at baby boy.

It was a special afternoon, more so because we were all there TOGETHER. πŸ’™β€πŸ’™β€

#2616 Heaven sent

Or just family-sent, but in my case it feels same-same.

I had a really rough night the night before. 2 hours sleep type rough night. Chuck overall newborn sleep deprivation, confusion, hormones, conflicting advice, too much information and overwhelm into the mix, and you end up with a very sad and spent new newborn mama.

My parents and sister came over on the perfect day, the day which was actually the worst day, today.

They provided love, comfort, advice, positive words and validation, support, food and sleep (I napped while they watched baby boy).

I’m now going into the nights with cautious hope, some semblance of confidence, and the knowledge that bad days are part and parcel of this stage… but I am getting there slowly, just as all newborn mamas have gotten there before me.

Moment by moment. Hour by hour. Day by day.

Thank God for people like this. So grateful to my family. πŸ™β€πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜

#2615 A new family coffee time

Within this never-ending cycle we seem to be in –

Crying changing feeding.
Not sleeping.
Crying changing feeding.
Awake time.
Beetroot face.
Crying changing feeding.
Look, he copied our tongue!
We’re now crying too –

We had to change the pace today while baby boy was napping. We quickly put him in the car while still in the asleep part of the cycle, for some afternoon interjection of coffee.

Finally, out with my whole family! It really is the little things. πŸ™β€

Then back home, and back to the eat awake nap scream cycle we went…

#2613 Post-partum musings and survival

My, how things can change in a day. Both for good, AND bad.

Parenthood is a rollercoaster. Yesterday I was laughing about my newfound love of MAFS, feeling confident at my combined 8 hours of sleep from mid-week (broken into 5 blocks of course), and I also totally smashed out the evening routine… after I fed baby boy and put him down, he lay there happily looking about, eyeing out his owl mobiles on the cot, while I did the dishes, unloaded the dishwasher, made some rice, and got almost all of dinner underway, as well as putting on washing and taking it in.

I was so pumped, I very nearly decided to walk to a cafe with him early morning, but alas it was near feeding time and you cannot delay a newborn’s meal time.

Alas, today, the complete opposite. Overnight was hard. So very hard. Combined awake time for 3 hours, and then after a very short nap, baby boy woke, extremely irritated, fussy, crying. Nothing seemed to appease him.

Perhaps the worst of it? My mental state. I had reached my limit. After 3 weeks of lacklustre sleep, I could barely keep my eyes open. The fatigue was debilitating, and I was struggling not just with that, but with the mental capacity to hold him, tend to him, keep him happy, work out what was wrong, etc.

Today when he wouldn’t stop crying as I tried to prepare my breakfast, I kinda lost the plot.

I had reached the end point. I couldn’t do it anymore.

I get emails from COPE, and have been since I was registered with the hospital where I had baby boy. They send information relating to your stage of the journey from pregnancy, all the way to the 4th trimester, post-partum with baby. It stands for Centre of Perinatal Excellence, and I have been enjoying the emails, taking refuge and insight into information that might be helpful to me.

Today though, the email topic was about self-care. I could’ve laughed if I didn’t have tears running down my cheek.

‘Surround yourself with a village, to help you achieve much needed self-care.’ Reading that sentiment, I never felt more alone.

Feeling physically isolated is one thing. But feeling the emotional isolation is a whole other damning ball-game. I don’t have the luxury of people stopping in, providing me with relief, support, a shoulder to cry on. Everyone is too far. everyone is too busy.

People think that the days surrounding coming home with baby are the most important. In many ways, people crowd you and are there all at once – then promptly leave you alone to your own devices.

Your mental thoughts, and your very, very tough, devices.

Don’t get me wrong. I have had much support from friends and family around me… via text. But my situation is damning in more ways than one. Because I can’t be bothered, I’m tired, I don’t know what to say… yet at the same time I need someone so bad, someone to puncture the monotony of the day, to make the helplessness go away.

The baby blues are a real thing. Could it be more? I’m not sure. My mood from starting this post to the end has already shifted, and so it goes that of course my hormones are still going a mile a minute, heading in one direction before promptly putting on the brakes and heading elsewhere.

Some people don’t know how easy they have it. One influencer I follow on social media who had her baby boy a month before I did, posted an honest account of how she looks so put-together so soon after giving birth… she said it’s only because she has dozens of family, friends, all kinds of people coming in and out of her house, helping her with the baby, helping her get by.

She has a village. Many, many people don’t.

I never felt so alone as I did after reading that. I had Hubbie for just over two weeks, but he needs to work. He had to go back to work this week. And I am left struggling and balancing the physical and mental load of caring for two children, one who is finding his way in the world, and then there’s me, who is struggling finding herself after wanting another child for so long.

The baby blues don’t discriminate. Depression doesn’t discriminate with what you wanted, who you were, where you are. your age, your hair colour, whether you write a gratitude blog or not.

The nights are long… and the days follow suit. Sunlight is there, but what use is it when you are cooped up all day in the house, tending to a crying, fussing baby?

I love my baby, so, so much. But three weeks of physical and mental exhaustion, and I am so, so tired.

So, where is the gratitude here? I’ve nearly survived a week. A week where Hubbie has been back at work. It has been incredibly hard. I try to remind myself that this time now is the hardest… maybe we will get relief at times… maybe things will regress, again.

The unknowingness has me rattled. Has me stressed.

I know I have made it this far. It’s just fucking hard. And to think, I prayed for this for so long.

Again, depression doesn’t discriminate.

#2610 What she said no. 16

I sat on the couch this evening with a sigh. In the background hubbie carried baby boy as he cried, “shh, shh, shushing” away.

It was his turn, edition 2,367 of the ‘why is baby boy crying?’ project.

Baby girl saw my dismay and exhaustion and immediately sprung to action. She sat right beside me and put her arm around my shoulders, giving me a sweet, compassionate smile.

“Don’t be sad Mum. You’re doing a great job.”

I smiled appreciatively back at her, about to reply, but she added…

“It’s just that baby boy won’t listen to you.”


Lol. And she would know all about that, right?

So well put darling. Thank you. πŸ˜πŸ’ž

#2602 Family company

I need my sleep, but I also need my family. πŸ’žβ€πŸ™πŸ™

I was lucky to get both today, when my parents and sister came by for a visit. The days are unpredictable and lonely, not to mention the long, hard, difficult nights…

But to have them visit was the special sunshine in what was already a warm summer’s day. 🌞

And the icing on the cake? They brought so much food! Soup, sarma, meatballs, pasta, cheese pastries, rum balls and doughnuts! We have food to last days and days.

And the visit alone was already so sweet. πŸ™β€πŸ²πŸ©

#2600 The first pram walk

I’m going a bit stir crazy.

A very fresh newborn, sleepless nights, cluster feeding, and living and breathing within the same walls is making me go a bit nuts.

With such a beautiful sunny day, all four of us (πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§β€πŸ‘¦) went for a walk.

Baby boy got to test out the pram for the first time, while Hubbie stayed close to baby girl who was on her bike.

At first baby boy was fussing, and I did turn around and start heading home. But then, whether he got used to the rhythmic movement of the pram on the footpath, or something else entirely, he settled and fell asleep! And I was able to follow my family around several blocks, using the pram baby girl had used, pushing a baby that I had dreamed of.

Little things. They’re actually big. πŸ™πŸ’ž

#2599 Just wanna say thanks

I have so much to thank Hubbie for, but I also have other thanks to give.

I’ve had a circle of dependable people around me during my pregnancy, and most importantly, they’re still around.

Especially in this last week and a bit. My sister. My cousin. My friends. You know who you are. I’ve been up and down, had countless questions and concerns, bared my soul, and gotten nothing back but support and a ‘you can do it’ cheer squad.

It means the world, and helps me feel less alone… in the tiring moments. At the end of the day. When I’m finding it hard to grasp to anything positive in the future… these women have been my rock.

Thank you so much. 😘πŸ₯°πŸ₯²πŸ™