#1416 Who you’re with on New Year’s Eve

It doesn’t matter if you have fireworks.

It doesn’t matter if you’re at a raging party.

It doesn’t matter if you’re on the banks of a river, on a 25 storey high-rise, or up on a bridge.

It doesn’t matter if you are surrounded by 100 people, or 1.

All that matters is that you’re with people who you love, and who love you.

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(Oh, and some Moet and choc-dipped strawberries don’t go astray either). 😉

Hope your New Year 2020 is all you want it to be. ❤🍾🎉❤

 

#1284 Lucky 7

As I drove into work on the dreaded Monash this morning, the car slowed, painfully so… for the longest time.

There was an accident. I shook my head. I was going to be late.

As I walked into work the drizzle intensified, cascading down over my face. I couldn’t help my amused smile. Thanks for the lovely send off Docklands.

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And then as I started up my computer, two programs weren’t working… I had to call IT.

Face palm.

All on my very last day of work.

It was finally HERE.

It was the weirdest sensation. I felt anxious and intensely nervous through most of the day. Things were emphasised to me at every turn… when I went up a lift “this will be my last time travelling to level 3.” When I scraped my bowl of its weetbix residue… “this will be my last dish from this kitchen.”

When I locked my locker for the last time.

When I logged off my computer for the last time.

Even going upstairs for a break with my colleagues got me over-sentimental. I in fact stopped going up for tea years ago, back when I started my morning coffee walks instead, and then there was the whole writing-at-the-desk-during-any-break thing…

I had to force myself to breathe. Pause. Reflect.

Many things made me feel better.

Firstly, this was not I, and I alone leaving. It was all of us. Our entire department and so many more. I was the second last of our team to leave, and so many had already walked my steps, felt my dis-ease, the discomfort and the bittersweet emotions at leaving.

It had happened to ALL my colleagues. My friends.

Secondly.… well change. It is inevitable. If this hadn’t happened now, we would have all been content in just going through the motions, the routine of work that we know like the back of our hand, becoming complacent in our roles and not expanding our mind and life journey with new learnings, adventures and places to see, people to meet.

There is so much to see. So many people to meet.

Memories flooded back to me as I looked around. The people I had seen come, and go. The places where secrets were shared. The darting looks and cheeky glances. The meltdowns. The showdowns. The ups, and downs.

Almost 12 years of my life.

I got my last coffee with a colleague… and today it was necessary to get dessert. Sure I had leftover cake from the weekend at home…

But it was my LAST DAY EVER. Screw that.

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It was sublime.

As I sent off a billion emails to my personal email, going through folders and deleting files here, there and everywhere, the feeling of anxiety grew.

I was deleting, and removing any remnants of me, from my locker… my desk… my entire email account. 1000s upon 1000s made their way into the graphic rubbish can on screen.

And my anxiety grew.

I was forgetting something. I met with HR. Got my papers. Went through more emails. Checked my lists… again. Went through my empty locker… again.

I had done everything I had to… and yet there was the strongest urge that I had forgotten something.

And just like that, at the acknowledgment of my lost feeling, I realised.

I felt like I was forgetting something, because a piece of me was going to remain there, even after I walked out the doors.

You can’t just flick a switch. Walk out without turning back. Expect to not have a memory lingering. Some laughter floating through the halls.

You can’t do it. Not after so long. Not after having created some of the best memories with the best people you could ask for.

You couldn’t, just, forget.

With that in mind, knowing I was going to have to leave a piece of me behind…. I walked out.

And instead of the grey morning and drizzle I had walking in with, now there was sunshine.

There was a new adventure waiting for me.

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And it’s a bit hard for me to believe now, so early… but I think it will be even better than this one.

And that’s because of my lucky number. Numbers. Because I have lots. And it’s not just 7.

😉

 

 

 

#1252 Sawing away at negativity

Today I took out the saw. Both in the literal and metaphorical sense.

The first time it was intentional. I literally went to the garage, got out Hubbie’s saw, and took to the task of pruning old branches from my rose bushes with focus and determination. I knew what I had to do. I had been planning to do it for months. I took joy in the process.

Sawing. Cleansing. Removing the old to make way for the new. A new stage was emerging. Soon the dry leafless branches would be filled with green foliage and ravishing ruby red roses. 🌹

Tonight… again the same.

But instead I took out the saw… metaphorically.

This one wasn’t planned.

I didn’t go into it with purpose. It was something I had been kind of putting off.

But yet like the rose bushes, it was something that needed to happen.

I paused. Hesitated. Sure I knew what HAD to be done… I had known for years. I didn’t accept it though. Recently, this year I knew I had to take out the largest tool in my figurative shed, and rid myself of the negativity, the anger, the frustrations and deep-seeded hurts that had planted and manifested themselves in my body.

You would think letting go of such harmful things would be easy, favoured, wanted even… but often we hold onto our hurts, because they are so familiar. They are all we know. Sure moving on is most beneficial, but it requires starting again… and then there is forgiveness.

The thing that has struck me most about forgiveness is this: you don’t forgive for those that have hurt you… you forgive to lighten your heart, soul, mind and body, and give yourself the freedom to live your life unweighted by unnecessary hurts.

I always knew this… do you think it was easy to implement, in spite of the sadness?

No. This glass half-full gratitude girl has been struggling for YEARS.

But tonight, a change. I took little steps… and maybe the fruits of my labour won’t show themselves for a little while… they won’t sprout green leaves and red roses like my cherished flowers as soon… but there is sign of life.

Seedlings have been planted, and my saw has taken to the old ways with understanding and gentleness.

Yes, you can be gentle with a saw.

Really, there is to be no more.

Remember… do it for yourself. You are the one that matters. The saw is in your hands.

 

 

#1142 The plan B writing course

Following rejection, it is vital to make yourself another plan.

It keeps you focused. Out of a state of funk. And it helps when it is an online course, therefore there are no maximum quotas of 2 people to fill up the room (not resentful much?!)

Today my online writing course started and I excitedly jumped aboard the introduction ship…

But, what to write?

What I wanted was to just write this:

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Well it was the truth. In a plain and simple nutshell. Scaling it back to basics, keeping it real… that was it. But they wanted to know more. Like where I lived, what I did, what I wanted to get out of this…

I answered some of the default questions…

F&*k it. I’ll post it for you. If you’d like to know my brief writing history background… then happy reading 🙂

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#1115 A waking dream of flowers

I don’t remember my dreams as much as I used to. I think it has to do with waking up and immediately my mind being inundated with the day’s tasks and places to be, including of course, tiredness.

But I remembered a lovely dream I had last night upon waking, and I know it is a good dream because I dreamt of a bed roses… 🌹🌹🌹

What ain’t good about roses???

This dream turned my attention to my waking life. I tended to a long put-off task, not difficult but just involved, and then because it’s been on my mind for a while, of course it’s become harder to do…

Like I said, not hard at all.

But, I had a few house plants that required serious pruning. I set about sifting through the soil and knotted roots, chopping what had to go, wiping leaves and watering soil and throwing dried out branches away, and I even found the root of my much-celebrated orchid I posted about a while ago almost reduced to shreds, so easy it was to break away from the core when I inspected it further.

As it came out of the root easily, I decided to keep the orchid in a vase while it was still perfectly pretty, and for the rest of the now empty pot plant I hope that with the change in seasons over the year, I see some new growth. 🍃

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I wasn’t even sad, despite how happy I was when I saw the orchid suddenly re-born, out of nowhere. And I think that’s because often things need to get ripped out and uprooted in order for it to start again healthy and strong.

Therefore I took great pleasure today in cleaning, removing what wasn’t working, and making new green dreams for the future… 🌱🎋🌹❤️

#1112 Letting go

Letting go.

People think it’s a sign of weakness. It’s not. It shows strength.

People think it’s a sign you’ve given up. You haven’t. You’ve just decided to put your energies to more useful efforts.

People think it’s a sign you’ve succumbed to pressure. No way. You are just focusing on positivity.

When you don’t forgive, you’re not doing the other party harmyou are inflicting it upon yourself.”

I’ve been thinking of letting go for a long time now. And by some grand design, I’m seeing snippets of it wherever I go.

Im feeling and living it as I go about my day to day.

Letting go doesn’t happen overnight. It requires deliberation, conscious thought, and a genuine willingness to give up what does not serve us.

And whether the letting go today happened in the form of baby girl maturing and letting go of insecure habits… whether it was my letting go of past grudges and hurts… or even if it was me trying to let go of preconceived notions, a controlling complex and the need to have it all my way instead of ‘life’s way’… or all of the above…

I am actually starting to let go.

And the beautiful thing about letting go of the old? It gives you something new to hold.

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Sometimes, it is magic. ✨💫

Photo by Yohann Lc on Unsplash

 

#1080 The day before prep

I didn’t think I would be too bad. We even bought school shoes this morning and everything, and yet no overwhelming emotion struck me at what the next day held…

I thought, ‘I am going to be ok.’

It didn’t hit me, until I was at the Coles check out.

Baby girl started to squirm and bounce around a little, and before I verbalised the feared signs I knew so well, she told me she needed the loo.

I had just unloaded all our shopping onto the conveyor belt. There was a lady being served in front of me, but she was with her elderly mother who was in a wheelchair, and had groceries of her own she was paying for, and was then divvying up her mother’s groceries, so that it was taking some time for the check out guy to work it all out.

I hesitated. For a moment, I questioned…

‘Should I let her go to the toilets alone?’

It was a mini shopping centre we frequented weekly, if not more often. Baby girl knew where they were. She wouldn’t get lost, surely.

But there were so many people that day. It was packed, being the last day of holidays for so many… Mums and Dads and kids and grannies and grandads, all milling around like chains and locks were going to be wrapped around the shopping centre’s entrance the next day.

I pondered it, for a few moments. I even asked baby girl how she felt about going on her own.

But then I realised, strongly. HELL NO. She was 5. Regardless of that… I could not let her go.

I explained to the check out guy I had to take baby girl to the toilets, and amazingly we were back in time as the two ladies finished up and he started setting up my reusable bags.

But the grocery shopping, or the toilets, wasn’t EVEN the point.

I was suddenly filled with anxiety, dread, fear and paranoia, all at once.

I could not let her go… but I had to.

I saw that the contemplation of letting her go a couple hundred metres on her own, had filled me with such unease, but it was a situation that was completely unavoidable.

Because at one stage or another, I had to let her go. And suddenly, my time was up.

Because tomorrow is the start of prep.

Most of the day has been spent preparing for it. In between ironing on labels to her school clothes, I’ve spent the other moments just staring at her with a frozen smile, willing her face at that time into my memory forever.

Setting up her lunchbox and bag, and then playing with her, letting her drag it out for another minute, then another minute…

Telling her how proud we are of her…

And then bursting into tears the next minute.

Get a grip! I told myself. You are picking her up at 12:30! After the half-days, you will still be together from 3:30!

But I can’t kid myself. It’s not just the time. It’s the beautiful moments shared. The slow wake-ups together, the kisses and cuddles in bed… her asking me what the plans are for the day, and me surprising her with promises of babycino café visits or the beach.

It’s all the little moments. It’s not even anything momentous or eventful. It’s the everyday occurrences, which will be replaced by routine, and order, and responsibility…

And she will be exposed to people, environments, and things that I can not control.

It scares me.

I am excited by what is to come for her, for us… really I am.

But I am so afraid, that the innocence in her that I have loved, and nurtured, and seen thrive… will be lost.

Will she change? Will she be the same?

What will this new life stage bring?

So much happiness has come before us, and I am terrified it will end.

Friendships might change her.

Harsh truths will be learnt.

Tears will be shed.

And I am freaking out about it all.

I don’t even know how this is a gratitude post, other than to say this day before prep, was a beautiful one. Telling each other how much we love one another… and now the tears won’t stop rolling, so I think it’s time I go.

Wish me her luck.

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