#1080 The day before prep

I didn’t think I would be too bad. We even bought school shoes this morning and everything, and yet no overwhelming emotion struck me at what the next day held…

I thought, ‘I am going to be ok.’

It didn’t hit me, until I was at the Coles check out.

Baby girl started to squirm and bounce around a little, and before I verbalised the feared signs I knew so well, she told me she needed the loo.

I had just unloaded all our shopping onto the conveyor belt. There was a lady being served in front of me, but she was with her elderly mother who was in a wheelchair, and had groceries of her own she was paying for, and was then divvying up her mother’s groceries, so that it was taking some time for the check out guy to work it all out.

I hesitated. For a moment, I questioned…

‘Should I let her go to the toilets alone?’

It was a mini shopping centre we frequented weekly, if not more often. Baby girl knew where they were. She wouldn’t get lost, surely.

But there were so many people that day. It was packed, being the last day of holidays for so many… Mums and Dads and kids and grannies and grandads, all milling around like chains and locks were going to be wrapped around the shopping centre’s entrance the next day.

I pondered it, for a few moments. I even asked baby girl how she felt about going on her own.

But then I realised, strongly. HELL NO. She was 5. Regardless of that… I could not let her go.

I explained to the check out guy I had to take baby girl to the toilets, and amazingly we were back in time as the two ladies finished up and he started setting up my reusable bags.

But the grocery shopping, or the toilets, wasn’t EVEN the point.

I was suddenly filled with anxiety, dread, fear and paranoia, all at once.

I could not let her go… but I had to.

I saw that the contemplation of letting her go a couple hundred metres on her own, had filled me with such unease, but it was a situation that was completely unavoidable.

Because at one stage or another, I had to let her go. And suddenly, my time was up.

Because tomorrow is the start of prep.

Most of the day has been spent preparing for it. In between ironing on labels to her school clothes, I’ve spent the other moments just staring at her with a frozen smile, willing her face at that time into my memory forever.

Setting up her lunchbox and bag, and then playing with her, letting her drag it out for another minute, then another minute…

Telling her how proud we are of her…

And then bursting into tears the next minute.

Get a grip! I told myself. You are picking her up at 12:30! After the half-days, you will still be together from 3:30!

But I can’t kid myself. It’s not just the time. It’s the beautiful moments shared. The slow wake-ups together, the kisses and cuddles in bed… her asking me what the plans are for the day, and me surprising her with promises of babycino café visits or the beach.

It’s all the little moments. It’s not even anything momentous or eventful. It’s the everyday occurrences, which will be replaced by routine, and order, and responsibility…

And she will be exposed to people, environments, and things that I can not control.

It scares me.

I am excited by what is to come for her, for us… really I am.

But I am so afraid, that the innocence in her that I have loved, and nurtured, and seen thrive… will be lost.

Will she change? Will she be the same?

What will this new life stage bring?

So much happiness has come before us, and I am terrified it will end.

Friendships might change her.

Harsh truths will be learnt.

Tears will be shed.

And I am freaking out about it all.

I don’t even know how this is a gratitude post, other than to say this day before prep, was a beautiful one. Telling each other how much we love one another… and now the tears won’t stop rolling, so I think it’s time I go.

Wish me her luck.

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#1076 The (ice cream) shop before school starts

I wasn’t only preoccupied with thoughts of navy navy navy.

Navy polo shirts.

Navy hair ties.

Navy socks.

Freaking navy skorts.

I had something else on my mind as we bought a whole lot of stuff for baby girl’s imminent primary school start next week.

I was thinking, ‘this is it.’

The shopping outings during the week, hand in hand.

Baby girl encouraging me to ‘buy that dress’ (I love this girl ♥ )

Deciding whether it is rice, or a happy meal that day?

Coffee breaks.

Talking about just “one more really small toy” that she would like to get.

And, cold and soothing ice cream breaks.

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I told her I had a surprise for her as I took her to Twisted Sista. She screamed out loud, no hesitation as she saw the extravagantly twisted ice creams with lavish and brightly coloured toppings through the glass display.

I love how she was sooo excited. Her happiness completely unrestrained.

Baby girl, take your time growing up. There is plenty of time for everything.

I am happy for her to act so childlike, because she is after all, a child. My child, growing up, and heading off into school in 5 days time.

I savoured the moment as we sat at the table, slurping our ice creams, and saying “it’s good.”

It was good in every way. ♥

 

#1074 Pretty little pebbles

Don’t ask me why my ‘before and afters’ of our garden bed had 3 days in between.

Just don’t. It is too early to get into.

IT IS TOO EARLY.

But for now, anyway, here are the lovely pebbles on our garden bed, which is the official ‘after,’ and which have just LIT UP the brick wall behind it…

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I love it, but I’m also so darn impatient for the plants to GROW. Grow damn it! I want to see our new garden bed all brand new and shiny and developed.

But alas. Patience is a virtue, especially to gardeners. I will need to hone that skill, and wait.

Hold on I don’t give myself enough credit. I feel like all I do in life is wait.

So I will wait some more…

 

#1071 The start of the garden bed

We’ve been wholeheartedly focused on the interior of our house for a LONG time.

Even after finishing almost all of the kitchen (one tiny little thing left before my before and afters surface) we were still hanging up frames on our walls last week.

But, sometimes you need to look outside the square.

Or in our case, beyond our brick walls.

Seeing as we’re in Summer and the vibes are totally there, today it was finally time to go…

No, not that.

Gardening time… Outside!

We had a side garden bed with dark brown plants, and black ugly bark on top of a black weed mat that was peeking out, and all of these depressing colours against our traditional brick wall house, was just too much heavy energy. Ugh.

We ripped off the weed mat.

We removed the bark. (I’m saying ‘we’ even though Hubbie did ALL the heavy lifting and digging).

Ripped out all but one plant.

And bought a whole lot of little baby ones. 🙂

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I will hopefully have a nice before and after shot for you tomorrow once our pebbles arrive… I am cautiously confident it will look good, but even so I think anything but that black bark, weed mat and brown flowers (what did the previous owners wanna do, make us cry with that side patch?) will look better.

Hell, even the plain dirt ground, removed from all of the old stuff looked better than what was there before!

Here’s to fresh beginnings 😉

 

 

#1051 A grateful start to 2019

What more can I ask for?

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Photo by Oskars Sylwan on Unsplash

Seeing in the New Year with family, friends.

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Love, happiness, fun, laughter.

Dancing and d&m’s.

Roasted marshmallows.

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Splashing by the pool.

Selfies by the tree.

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All the good things, are all the simple things.

Happy New Year to all. May 2019 bring you all your greatest desires.

Every year with my loved ones, I am supremely grateful.

Here’s looking to a 2019 filled with more gratitude, or ways to find it, than the last.

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Photo by NordWood Themes on Unsplash

#1050 Where I’ve come – 35.4 stage

On this day, the 30th of December, I can’t help but reflecting on the year that has passed…

I have grown. I have changed.

I have felt extreme lows that have physically rocked me.

I have felt dizzying highs that have surrounded my head in iridescent clouds.

Combined this has led me to a balance of in-between. Of remaining hopelessly optimistic as I travel through life, yet also being anxiously cautious of any shocks that may spring up unannounced.

With the cyclical nature of life, I am still happy. I am grateful for what I have, today. Every time that I observe something good, I am so happy for it, because I know that like everything, nothing lasts forever.

This stark truth keeps me paranoid, but the glass half-full gal in me ignores it until the very last moment.

I have what I need. Sure there are things that I want… but I remind myself of the important things. Of Hubbie and Baby Girl. Their love, their health. There are challenging days, and sometimes even tears, but I think the laughter we share as a family trumps that all.

Next year has a lot in store. So many changes. So much uncertainty and confusion, yet there is excitement in the unknown.

All the possibilities… what will eventuate? What will proceed? I am not alone in my life upheavals, with Baby Girl and Hubbie going through changes of their own… growing up, moving on, and discovering life.

We never stop discovering life.

So I am content. I am content in this not-knowing. It keeps me on edge and primed for action.

I am grateful with what I have now. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes not having the things that you want is because there is a greater plan for you.

We aren’t meant to know it all. Just, let it go.

In this moment, life is good. And for that, on this second last day of 2018, I am supremely grateful.

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Unsplash credit: Paola Chaaya

#1009 Smoothie season

It was time to get the blender out today.

I have been saying for months and months and months, that once our kitchen reno was done, I would be using my blender more. It was in a more accessible position, so therefore being able to reach it would make it easier, right?

(I also said I would post a before-and-after once the reno was done with, but the teeniest and tiniest of little kitchen jobs has prevented me from that – so stay tuned).

It appears, that anything, any task, no matter how big or small it is, requires the same amount of grunt to get you going.

I had to do a ‘special’ grocery shop.

Get things I didn’t normally buy.

I had to find time. (Ohhh, that precious commodity…)

I had to find a warm day…

And finally, finally, through my haphazard excuses yet also slight determination to get things going, I got the blender OUT!

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It appears that sometimes what we are lacking is, the desire to do something new. The desire to try something out of our comfort zone. We get too comfortable in our little corners of the world, and look for all manner of excuses to keep from stepping out into the middle of the room.

In my case, deciding to get off my arse and take the blender out.

But once you start! Well once you start, you are suddenly open to all the possibilities out there, of fresh smoothies and healthy drinks, they are all waiting for you, simply because you decided your comfort zone was a tad boring.

Because it is, let’s face it. It’s the same old… r e p e t i t i o n… day in and day out.

So today, I salute the smoothie. Here’s to a summery season of it.

Cheers!