#1480 The train to training

So, where did I go today?

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Clearly I was on a train, for those not quite sure about that offensive multi-coloured blue upholstered smudge that are train seats, and also the side window looking out at the platform…

And my brown boot.

I was on my way to training… for a new job!

😁😁😁

Now I can’t say definitively that I HAVE the job… that’s what the training is for. And there are tests at the end of each week during the training period to make sure we’re on the right path…

So I am cautiously optimistic.

It’s been 6 months that I’ve been out of work. 6 months of doing what I like (to some extent with baby girl in tow), trying to get ahead in my writing, walking in and out of places at whim, and mostly, thinking thinking thinking. 

But today in comparison was a totally crazy day.

I was up at 550am, catching a 645 train after brekkie in the car, swapping to another train in the city to make it to work bang smack at 8am.

😏

I had NO snacks up until lunchtime and was starving, smashing a salad roll and coffee in 15 minutes. I looked at apps and tabs, tried to get my head around the influx of tech stuff, emails, new people, meetings, reading guidelines, getting overwhelmed at the sheer number of info I need to remember, only to nearly lose myself and miss my train home.

I came home tired, spent and flustered.

I’m even feeling sick.

But I loved it.

I was feeling a bit lost before this came up. I thought the days of commuting and doing a 9-5 were over. The plan was to freelance, write, and make a name for myself from the comfort of my home.

But it didn’t work out as I’d planned. I felt uninspired, confused about my future direction, and feeling frustrated at my lack of financial contribution to the household.

I know it’s still very early days, but this set-up is perfect. Because although I’ll be spending more time away from home, the time I do get at home I’ll be more motivated than ever to win at my writing game.

That HASN’T changed, nor will it ever. But I had to find a way to make things work, and this new line of employment looks set to make things happen for me, all while I feel productive, useful, and like I’m contributing… to the world.

And that means EVERYTHING.

Super-early bedtime for me tonight… because now I’m a working girl. 😉

 

 

 

#1472 Sunsets and so much more

I’m grateful for the beauty in tonight’s sunset.

Colourful. Vibrant. Ethereal. Mysterious. Hiding something even more beautiful.

But I am also grateful for –

New opportunities

Things to do

A place to be of value

A different purpose

Blessings

But mostly I am grateful for old friends who tell you about job opportunities…

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😉😁

 

 

#1447 Me Time no. 1

I can just as easily have named this a ‘reasons why I love living by the beach’ post with the water being a theme and all once again, but the true intentions of my writing and where I am coming from are so different this time.

Sure, it was hot.

Sure, I wanted to make the most of Summer.

Sure, I wasn’t passing up a hot day offer from Melbourne even if it meant I was alone.

Especially because I was alone. 😉

But I’ve been in a funny space lately. Neither here nor there. Thinking about life, wondering what to do, in this odd middle-ground of nothingness, where nothing is the only thing that actually happens…

Just a whole lot of thinking instead.

I’ve been coming to grips with this weird phase, reminding myself that we all go through it at certain times of life and it’s part of the whole cocoon process in becoming a new person.

To become a butterfly we must shed our shell. But we must hide out and hibernate first to do so.

Part of my quest this year, the year of balance as I’m calling it, the ‘2020’ year, is to find more time to make me happy.

You might think that is SO easy given I don’t have a job. I have plenty of time, right?

Time doesn’t necessarily equate to heart and purpose though. And it’s awfully hard to find motivation when the car that is your life stalls and has to change new tyres, and you suddenly don’t know where the tyres are coming from. And then someone tells you to not stress, and relax.

You try relax while waiting for a tyre change.

So in the meantime, I really have to do things for me.

Things that fill my soul with purpose.

Things that make me smile.

Things that I miss doing.

Things that I always put on the backburner because I need to cook/clean/make phone calls/do washing/a billion other things on my to-do list.

Going to the beach on my lonesome is just one of those wonderful ‘me’ things.

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(the seagull had to photobomb my solitary beach photo!)

Firstly, when alone at the beach, I have no one in tow, and no one to answer to. I decide when I come and go. I sit on the sand for as long as I like, and I sit in the water for as long as I like.

And today, while sitting in the water and having waves crash over me… well it truly reset my car battery. 😉

I’ve written a little story about it on Instagram, about waves and life and letting go, so I do hope you check it out… you can find me under smikgwriter so give me a yell if you’re on there too. ♥

 

 

#1416 Who you’re with on New Year’s Eve

It doesn’t matter if you have fireworks.

It doesn’t matter if you’re at a raging party.

It doesn’t matter if you’re on the banks of a river, on a 25 storey high-rise, or up on a bridge.

It doesn’t matter if you are surrounded by 100 people, or 1.

All that matters is that you’re with people who you love, and who love you.

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(Oh, and some Moet and choc-dipped strawberries don’t go astray either). 😉

Hope your New Year 2020 is all you want it to be. ❤🍾🎉❤

 

#1284 Lucky 7

As I drove into work on the dreaded Monash this morning, the car slowed, painfully so… for the longest time.

There was an accident. I shook my head. I was going to be late.

As I walked into work the drizzle intensified, cascading down over my face. I couldn’t help my amused smile. Thanks for the lovely send off Docklands.

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And then as I started up my computer, two programs weren’t working… I had to call IT.

Face palm.

All on my very last day of work.

It was finally HERE.

It was the weirdest sensation. I felt anxious and intensely nervous through most of the day. Things were emphasised to me at every turn… when I went up a lift “this will be my last time travelling to level 3.” When I scraped my bowl of its weetbix residue… “this will be my last dish from this kitchen.”

When I locked my locker for the last time.

When I logged off my computer for the last time.

Even going upstairs for a break with my colleagues got me over-sentimental. I in fact stopped going up for tea years ago, back when I started my morning coffee walks instead, and then there was the whole writing-at-the-desk-during-any-break thing…

I had to force myself to breathe. Pause. Reflect.

Many things made me feel better.

Firstly, this was not I, and I alone leaving. It was all of us. Our entire department and so many more. I was the second last of our team to leave, and so many had already walked my steps, felt my dis-ease, the discomfort and the bittersweet emotions at leaving.

It had happened to ALL my colleagues. My friends.

Secondly.… well change. It is inevitable. If this hadn’t happened now, we would have all been content in just going through the motions, the routine of work that we know like the back of our hand, becoming complacent in our roles and not expanding our mind and life journey with new learnings, adventures and places to see, people to meet.

There is so much to see. So many people to meet.

Memories flooded back to me as I looked around. The people I had seen come, and go. The places where secrets were shared. The darting looks and cheeky glances. The meltdowns. The showdowns. The ups, and downs.

Almost 12 years of my life.

I got my last coffee with a colleague… and today it was necessary to get dessert. Sure I had leftover cake from the weekend at home…

But it was my LAST DAY EVER. Screw that.

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It was sublime.

As I sent off a billion emails to my personal email, going through folders and deleting files here, there and everywhere, the feeling of anxiety grew.

I was deleting, and removing any remnants of me, from my locker… my desk… my entire email account. 1000s upon 1000s made their way into the graphic rubbish can on screen.

And my anxiety grew.

I was forgetting something. I met with HR. Got my papers. Went through more emails. Checked my lists… again. Went through my empty locker… again.

I had done everything I had to… and yet there was the strongest urge that I had forgotten something.

And just like that, at the acknowledgment of my lost feeling, I realised.

I felt like I was forgetting something, because a piece of me was going to remain there, even after I walked out the doors.

You can’t just flick a switch. Walk out without turning back. Expect to not have a memory lingering. Some laughter floating through the halls.

You can’t do it. Not after so long. Not after having created some of the best memories with the best people you could ask for.

You couldn’t, just, forget.

With that in mind, knowing I was going to have to leave a piece of me behind…. I walked out.

And instead of the grey morning and drizzle I had walking in with, now there was sunshine.

There was a new adventure waiting for me.

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And it’s a bit hard for me to believe now, so early… but I think it will be even better than this one.

And that’s because of my lucky number. Numbers. Because I have lots. And it’s not just 7.

😉

 

 

 

#1252 Sawing away at negativity

Today I took out the saw. Both in the literal and metaphorical sense.

The first time it was intentional. I literally went to the garage, got out Hubbie’s saw, and took to the task of pruning old branches from my rose bushes with focus and determination. I knew what I had to do. I had been planning to do it for months. I took joy in the process.

Sawing. Cleansing. Removing the old to make way for the new. A new stage was emerging. Soon the dry leafless branches would be filled with green foliage and ravishing ruby red roses. 🌹

Tonight… again the same.

But instead I took out the saw… metaphorically.

This one wasn’t planned.

I didn’t go into it with purpose. It was something I had been kind of putting off.

But yet like the rose bushes, it was something that needed to happen.

I paused. Hesitated. Sure I knew what HAD to be done… I had known for years. I didn’t accept it though. Recently, this year I knew I had to take out the largest tool in my figurative shed, and rid myself of the negativity, the anger, the frustrations and deep-seeded hurts that had planted and manifested themselves in my body.

You would think letting go of such harmful things would be easy, favoured, wanted even… but often we hold onto our hurts, because they are so familiar. They are all we know. Sure moving on is most beneficial, but it requires starting again… and then there is forgiveness.

The thing that has struck me most about forgiveness is this: you don’t forgive for those that have hurt you… you forgive to lighten your heart, soul, mind and body, and give yourself the freedom to live your life unweighted by unnecessary hurts.

I always knew this… do you think it was easy to implement, in spite of the sadness?

No. This glass half-full gratitude girl has been struggling for YEARS.

But tonight, a change. I took little steps… and maybe the fruits of my labour won’t show themselves for a little while… they won’t sprout green leaves and red roses like my cherished flowers as soon… but there is sign of life.

Seedlings have been planted, and my saw has taken to the old ways with understanding and gentleness.

Yes, you can be gentle with a saw.

Really, there is to be no more.

Remember… do it for yourself. You are the one that matters. The saw is in your hands.

 

 

#1142 The plan B writing course

Following rejection, it is vital to make yourself another plan.

It keeps you focused. Out of a state of funk. And it helps when it is an online course, therefore there are no maximum quotas of 2 people to fill up the room (not resentful much?!)

Today my online writing course started and I excitedly jumped aboard the introduction ship…

But, what to write?

What I wanted was to just write this:

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Well it was the truth. In a plain and simple nutshell. Scaling it back to basics, keeping it real… that was it. But they wanted to know more. Like where I lived, what I did, what I wanted to get out of this…

I answered some of the default questions…

F&*k it. I’ll post it for you. If you’d like to know my brief writing history background… then happy reading 🙂

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