#2026 Just, slowly

It was still sunny when I finished work today, so baby girl and I went for a walk around the block.

Observing flowers, picking an extra one here, there… adjusting the free lemons sign from a neighbour that had blown down the street.

Looking at dogs. Commenting on a young girl’s skateboarding skills.

Squinting into the sun. Watching the black crow cross our path.

And at the end of our trip, it came out of her so naturally. I had picked up pace as we neared home, and she said –

“Samo polako.”

A phrase we’ve repeated heaps, not just because of my Croatian background, but because my Mum says it all the time. And I guess we repeat the words of those we love, we think of them, of what we would be doing if we could see them, and what we could say, because at the moment, we just can’t.

It means “just, slowly.” It was worded so perfectly, coined at just the right time.

I had to laugh.

Kind of a good motto for life too, don’t you think?

Photo by Aaron Burden on Pexels.com

#2010 Springtime at night

Ahhh.

About an hour ago we stepped outside to take our cat Mister F to bed… 💖😻

And the scent of springtime just HIT ME.

It came from our neighbours’ trees, overlooking the side of our house and almost hanging over the fence. Branches mostly bare, but oh my, the tips were bursting with white and pink buds, just sparkling in the night sky.

So, so beautiful.

Photo by mneka on Pexels.com

#2009 Feeling the birthday love

I felt truly blessed today.

Another lockdown birthday, and yet the surprises, presents, messages, phone calls, serenades and dedications kept me warm and fuzzy from all winter colds and extended lockdown news, keeping me so busy I could barely keep up all day.

But it was even better, because I celebrated it all, times two.

Baby girl and I share our birthdays on the same day. We did what we could, walked the almost empty streets, ate lunch by the water in our cars, and got some takeaway cake, ice cream and coffee.

It was a super splendid day, and you know what?

At a time when things have felt really super shit, I’ve questioned a lot, felt withdrawn and upset by lots in life… this is what I needed. A day where I really truly, felt the love.

I felt it all, and it was so warm, so caring, so welcoming. I was truly humbled to tears.

I know, no matter what life throws at me, there are people out there who care about me.

And that matters more than anything.

Reach out to those around you, let them know how you feel. You don’t even have to wait for their birthday… you may not know how much they need to hear your beautiful words. 💖💖🙏🙏

#2008 Birthday park fun

Lockdowns in both birthday seasons.

You know what I said today?

STUFF IT.

We took a whole lot of doughnuts to the park today. Baby girl bumped into some school friends. The wind was breezy, but that sun was adamant.

I like when it’s adamant. So was I today.

What was left!

She was a very lucky girl. We spoiled her as much as we could, and it’s not even her birthday yet…

So often in life you gotta make the most of what you’ve got, and so far we’re trying, man we’re trying.

So much pink, LOVE it. 💖💖

#1993 Yin energy

We need to surround ourselves with feminine energy.

As a woman, it is intrinsic to our wellbeing. To our survival. To be able to motivate ourselves, go on and go on, reach higher and further than we ever thought possible… we need to surround ourselves with yin.

But… it has to be the right yin.

Find it in your mothers, your sisters and your daughters.

Find it in your cousins, colleagues, those you meet on the street that you connect with instantly.

Those that you see and go “YES!” I feel you.

Find it in your friends. In the friends that you’ve known for so long, the ones that there is no pause for breath, the friends that can support you and help you, leaving you feeling full to the brim with love, laughter and constant memories.

Today I felt supremely lucky that amidst all this recent lockdown business, we were still able to go out and celebrate a dear friend’s baby shower.

I think we were all super excited, you know, being out of the house and socialising. 🤣

But mostly, seeing the love growing from the depths of our friend’s belly. 💖💖

See these flowers? They look fragile, pretty and at the mercy of the lightest breeze.

Yet look deeper, and you find an inner, unshakeable strength, so strong that the harshest rains, winds and heat cannot shake it.

That is yin. That is feminine energy. Going with the flow, but standing strong and proud from within.

And I know how to tell if you’re with the right yin energy, the right people.

At the end if the day, you’re asking yourself –

“When can we do this again?”

And so we did.

“When will we do this again?”

🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

#1746 Pretty purple flowers

These made my day when I was feeling down, so you can imagine my happiness now that the worst is over…

Well kind of. But, doing better, incrementally.

Hubbie asked only last week. “Do you want me to chop them?” It’s our neighbours plant and it’s grown over to our side of the fence, hanging invitingly low, branches outreached like a handshake.

How can you deny such a greeting?

“No! Keep it! Look how bright those colours are. It makes me happy.”

And what makes me happy, stays. 😁

#1696 Day 198 of getting there: facing fears

Today I fully accepted something that I’ve been avoiding for a while.

I’m finally accepting, and facing my fears.

Really, there is no other way. When something grabs hold of you and forces you to take notice, you HAVE to take notice.

Enough. Face the music. Move on. Get it over with.

I’m gonna be a bit quiet over here while I deal with everything. I’ll try to post something on this blog, but some days it might be a few words, other days a photo.

I’m still going to show up. I’m still going to try. I just need to work things out for a little while, and when it’s all over…

🙏💖🙏💖

I’m just praying for that day to come sooner rather than later.

#1694 Day 196 of getting there: trying to get there

I am going to be brutally honest with you.

Not that I’m usually dishonest. But doing this gratitude blog, means I focus in on some positive moment, event, thing, person, expression, and amplify it.

So often in our lives, we focus on that which doesn’t work. That which doesn’t go to plan, or that which makes our hearts sad.

That’s why I do this blog. To prove, that no matter what, you can find something good in every day.

I have had so many bad days. More than you will care to realise. And each time, I chug on, write another gratitude post, think of that one thing amidst many shit things that is worth focusing in on.

But I am really truly struggling as of late.

My health has been hit with some setbacks. When you fall ill, without any understanding of why it’s happening, and it comes back again, and again, and again…

You really start to doubt things in your life. You start to fear. Anxiety grows, slowly at first, but then like a garden you tend to, if you neglect it for only a few days, the weeds spread out and cover your every thought.

This has been my life. This has been me. Health issues, as well as other serious thoughts, and isolation, are all colliding together spectacularly.

I clutch onto good things in my day, like a cat with its claws dug into a piece of driftboard, as it sails further and further away into murky and stormy seas.

It is hard to avoid the deep, dark seas.

I am becoming devoid of passion. I have no motivation for things that used to bring me happiness. I am not looking forward, to anything… even my appetite has taken a hit.

I used to look forward to baking new things, finding new recipes… I can’t be bothered anymore.

I used to count all the opportunities during the week in which I could write in all my side projects… I can’t. I feel fake.

I would love sitting on the couch at the end of the night, doing whatever I liked, for me, while the rest of the house slept.

Now it just makes me feel more alone and scared than ever.

Fear and anxiety is the main presence in my life. I can’t trust anything… I am scared of what’s around the corner.

I just want my life to go back to how it used to be. But it feels so far away. Isolation, the absence of seeing my family, my friends, is making it so hard.

Being stuck in the square box we called home, the anxious thoughts circling around my head, following me from room to room, are not helping.

I’m honestly going mad.

And although on a good day, I would be overjoyed and proud to share something like this…

All three of the tulips blooming.

Today? Nothing. A mere distraction, that I’m trying so desperately to clutch onto.

I try to snap other things, other flowers, trying to remember how they will look like this season, based off previous years growth…

But not even curiosity can save me.

So I turn to you, anyone reading, to ask for help.

Having poured my heart out to you, I ask, I beg…

If you were ever in a moment, or a spate of days/weeks/months, of intense and extreme fear and anxiety, where the emotions took over all your senses and clouded all movements you made throughout your day, what did you do to help yourself?

Is there anything you did to help yourself? What helped? What could you have done better, looking back?

I really need some guidance here.

Thank you. 🙏

#1693 Day 195 of getting there: Two surprises

After a shit week, I was lucky to get a few things today, that were even better than my tulips blooming.

Bestie sent me a belated birthday present, a gorgeous mug.

It’s now my new favourite mug. And the message it gives is what I need more than ever right now. I need to feel powerful, not helpless.

My second surprise came when Hubbie got home from work. He bought me a beautiful bouquet.

I cried. Not because they were beautiful. But because of what he said.

“You’ve had a rough week.”

OMG yes. I just want to be free of fear. Healthy again. To have these scarring memories of health gone wrong, other fears, life not going how you expect… I want all of this to go away.

I need to remember, that life can be good again. I can be healthy. I can laugh, without troubling thoughts invading from my periphery of thought. I can feel EMPOWERED.

Those little mementos, from those I love, have helped me immensely today.

Their support feeds my healing. It feeds my growth. And it reminds me, I have people to lean on. 💖💖💖💖