#1746 Pretty purple flowers

These made my day when I was feeling down, so you can imagine my happiness now that the worst is over…

Well kind of. But, doing better, incrementally.

Hubbie asked only last week. “Do you want me to chop them?” It’s our neighbours plant and it’s grown over to our side of the fence, hanging invitingly low, branches outreached like a handshake.

How can you deny such a greeting?

“No! Keep it! Look how bright those colours are. It makes me happy.”

And what makes me happy, stays. 😁

#1696 Day 198 of getting there: facing fears

Today I fully accepted something that I’ve been avoiding for a while.

I’m finally accepting, and facing my fears.

Really, there is no other way. When something grabs hold of you and forces you to take notice, you HAVE to take notice.

Enough. Face the music. Move on. Get it over with.

I’m gonna be a bit quiet over here while I deal with everything. I’ll try to post something on this blog, but some days it might be a few words, other days a photo.

I’m still going to show up. I’m still going to try. I just need to work things out for a little while, and when it’s all over…

🙏💖🙏💖

I’m just praying for that day to come sooner rather than later.

#1694 Day 196 of getting there: trying to get there

I am going to be brutally honest with you.

Not that I’m usually dishonest. But doing this gratitude blog, means I focus in on some positive moment, event, thing, person, expression, and amplify it.

So often in our lives, we focus on that which doesn’t work. That which doesn’t go to plan, or that which makes our hearts sad.

That’s why I do this blog. To prove, that no matter what, you can find something good in every day.

I have had so many bad days. More than you will care to realise. And each time, I chug on, write another gratitude post, think of that one thing amidst many shit things that is worth focusing in on.

But I am really truly struggling as of late.

My health has been hit with some setbacks. When you fall ill, without any understanding of why it’s happening, and it comes back again, and again, and again…

You really start to doubt things in your life. You start to fear. Anxiety grows, slowly at first, but then like a garden you tend to, if you neglect it for only a few days, the weeds spread out and cover your every thought.

This has been my life. This has been me. Health issues, as well as other serious thoughts, and isolation, are all colliding together spectacularly.

I clutch onto good things in my day, like a cat with its claws dug into a piece of driftboard, as it sails further and further away into murky and stormy seas.

It is hard to avoid the deep, dark seas.

I am becoming devoid of passion. I have no motivation for things that used to bring me happiness. I am not looking forward, to anything… even my appetite has taken a hit.

I used to look forward to baking new things, finding new recipes… I can’t be bothered anymore.

I used to count all the opportunities during the week in which I could write in all my side projects… I can’t. I feel fake.

I would love sitting on the couch at the end of the night, doing whatever I liked, for me, while the rest of the house slept.

Now it just makes me feel more alone and scared than ever.

Fear and anxiety is the main presence in my life. I can’t trust anything… I am scared of what’s around the corner.

I just want my life to go back to how it used to be. But it feels so far away. Isolation, the absence of seeing my family, my friends, is making it so hard.

Being stuck in the square box we called home, the anxious thoughts circling around my head, following me from room to room, are not helping.

I’m honestly going mad.

And although on a good day, I would be overjoyed and proud to share something like this…

All three of the tulips blooming.

Today? Nothing. A mere distraction, that I’m trying so desperately to clutch onto.

I try to snap other things, other flowers, trying to remember how they will look like this season, based off previous years growth…

But not even curiosity can save me.

So I turn to you, anyone reading, to ask for help.

Having poured my heart out to you, I ask, I beg…

If you were ever in a moment, or a spate of days/weeks/months, of intense and extreme fear and anxiety, where the emotions took over all your senses and clouded all movements you made throughout your day, what did you do to help yourself?

Is there anything you did to help yourself? What helped? What could you have done better, looking back?

I really need some guidance here.

Thank you. 🙏

#1693 Day 195 of getting there: Two surprises

After a shit week, I was lucky to get a few things today, that were even better than my tulips blooming.

Bestie sent me a belated birthday present, a gorgeous mug.

It’s now my new favourite mug. And the message it gives is what I need more than ever right now. I need to feel powerful, not helpless.

My second surprise came when Hubbie got home from work. He bought me a beautiful bouquet.

I cried. Not because they were beautiful. But because of what he said.

“You’ve had a rough week.”

OMG yes. I just want to be free of fear. Healthy again. To have these scarring memories of health gone wrong, other fears, life not going how you expect… I want all of this to go away.

I need to remember, that life can be good again. I can be healthy. I can laugh, without troubling thoughts invading from my periphery of thought. I can feel EMPOWERED.

Those little mementos, from those I love, have helped me immensely today.

Their support feeds my healing. It feeds my growth. And it reminds me, I have people to lean on. 💖💖💖💖

#1680 Day 182 of getting there: Spring in the house, Spring in the yard, Spring in our step

Today I really embraced the season we are in.

I did some pretty elbow-greasing Spring cleaning.

To some extent, I’ve been very slowly Spring cleaning since covid began in Autumn. Clearing out shelves, closets, drawers… throwing things out, making things neat and orderly, finding items a new home…

But then there is nothing quite like opening the doors and really getting into it, especially on a mild day like today.

Often I don’t plan to clean. Especially the major things… the motivation just HITS ME. Like today, I observed our kitchen fan, and how we had never cleaned it since our new kitchen was installed…

Um, almost 2 years ago now?

😳

So on a whim, I cleaned it all.

I just couldn’t stop there though. After that super-greasy task, I cleared through drawers in baby girl’s room, throwing out old stuff, went through other rooms, decluttering… and by 5pm, I realised one major thing.

Actually, two.

I was pooped. Exhausted. Cleaning things out of your life can be therapeutic but awfully tiring.

And… I had barely been outside.

I know. It was so lovely out, it was a shame to have spent the whole day inside…

So I called it. A quick family, 5 minute walk around the block before dinner.

Our home was showing signs of my Spring cleaning everywhere. And the front yard was showing signs of Spring too.

We had greenery sprouting everywhere. This one plant near our front door has literally grown 20 centimetres in a matter of a week. My tulips are reaching for the sky, the birds of paradise are facing the sun, the succulent is loving the season, and my roses aren’t blooming yet, but seeing their abundant green leaves gives me so much happiness.

Then we walked. Boy do I miss not having a mask on my face, to truly be able to breathe in the fresh air. But soon. I believe we are really getting there.

My family does too.

💖💖💖💖

#1655 Day 157 of getting there: The right quote to get there

I came across a really touching quote today, one that I feel is relevant to me, but to all of us.

Because it’s about struggle. Struggling with something, anything, in your life. And because of what is happening in the world, we can all relate to things not going the way we planned.

This quote is for everyone.

Why do I love quotes so much? Hmm, maybe something about words… words, and how the correct and select number of them can piece together something truly beautiful, to lift you, inspire you and help you.

“There is no royal road to anything. One thing at a time, all things in succession. That which grows fast, withers as rapidly. That which grows slowly, endures.” – Unknown.

I find it timely that I often come upon saying that touch my soul, right when I need them.

How’s about that?

And, just because, here’s a selection of photos from today that brought me joy…

And reminded me that it takes time, to grow such great beauty. Some forms over a day… some over a season. Some even longer.

But, it grows.

#1646 Day 148 of getting there: extending the birthday sweetness

What is the only good reason to be woken by someone knocking the door in the morning?

Why, if it’s a surprise birthday package for you!

And what can be better, than enjoying a coffee break up on your balcony?

Well, enjoying the treats you got from your morning wake up call!

😉😉

I was so surprised this morning to find a package at the front door. I guess you kind of expect a little bit of festivities and surprise on your birthday, even leading up to it… but today, I was like, what, more?

How fun!

I mean, I do tell baby girl repeatedly that our birthday doesn’t just fall on one day… we can celebrate the week leading up to, the week after, and hell, while we’re there let’s just take the whole month and claim it as our own shall we?

My beautiful cousin helped us spread that much-needed iso birthday happiness a bit longer, by sending us an absolutely stunning bouquet of flowers, and array of sweet treats to match…

From one of my fave local cafes!

Like, how did she know?

Baby girl and I picked a couple of treats and took them up on the balcony today, trying to take in as much Winter sun as we could while we sipped our coffee/babycino…

And they were sooo good. Baby girl got this huge sugar rush afterwards, she just couldn’t stop laughing.

Laugh honey, laugh. There will be plenty more to laugh about and be happy for when this passes.

I’m so grateful for kind-hearted people that remember you, and try to lift you up.

Thank you beautiful cuz. 💖🥰

#1619 Day 121 of getting there: When winter springs forth

It’s getting to the part of the winter piece, where I start to get excited.

Even on grey days like we had today.

Even during these cold cold cold mornings.

Even while the heater blasts all day, every day.

I get excited, because there are signs everywhere.

I don’t know if it’s earlier, or weirder this year…

But –

I have roses. This is one of two, and it is July. Mid-winter.

This isn’t supposed to happen.

But… IT DOES.

Check out my Birds of Paradise.

All out there and ‘look at me,’ poking it’s orange beak out, waiting for it’s mate to join in on the journey.

And finally, the piece de resistance…

Ahhh. My orchids. These ones were actually hidden amongst other greenery, leaning against the outside window, and I didn’t realise they were there until someone pointed out, that they very much were.

All these blooms and pictures of growth, are signs that beneath the surface, things brew.

We might be in hibernation mode, where the tree branches lay bare, colours don’t tend to be bountiful in the garden, and growth is at a standstill.

But just because we can’t see things happening, it doesn’t mean they AREN’T happening.

And I love my little reminders around the house.

Reminders. Signs of hope. Use these words as you may, whichever way serves you best.

#1578 Day 80 of getting there: the place that is always there

As per the repetitive headings of my blog posts over these past few months… I really do think I am getting there.

It was June 10, and one of my most favourite days of the year.

The beginning was wonderful, as Hubbie and I saw off baby girl for her second day back at school.

We followed that by getting some takeaway coffees, and sitting in the car watching the early morning water from a popular cliff outlook… BLUE WATER FOR DAYS.

It was a beautiful way to start the morning.

We also got to open up a lot of boxes from orders we’d made months ago, and that was exciting! Thanks sis! Oh, and great segue, because…

The biggest reason I loved today, was because it was my sister’s birthday. And what could bring you more joy, than the birthday of a loved one?

Oh, that’s right. Going to their place for a very long overdue visit!

Wait… even better… my parents were there!

I haven’t seen any of them since early March. 3 long months. And through the happiness and heartfelt emotion of it all, I realised something…

It felt as if not much time had passed between us. Everything felt normal, and everything felt fine.

Like I had seen them just yesterday.

And that’s partly due to the ease of technology. Phone calls, getting to see each other via messenger, zoom calls…

But also, because we are so much a part of each other’s lives, we are always going to be linked on another level. No matter what distance, what circumstance, or what global crisis there may be, we will always be connected beyond the physical realm.

And that’s a beautiful place to be.