#2629 Happiness in 3s

Number 1. After a not bad block of sleep to start the night on Friday night (about 2.5 hours) baby boy continued the trend and started Saturday night/Sunday morning with 3 hours 20 minutes! Yes! πŸ’ͺ

Number 2. We had another group of friends come over to meet our baby boy, and it was a beautiful afternoon that we shared together. The catch-ups are well and truly beginning. ❀

Number 3. After meeting in bed (once Hubbie had put baby girl to bed and I had put baby boy to bed), he told me that as he kissed her goodnight, he’d told her that she was being amazing and “doing a great job” at home, helping us, despite the often trying times.

And she’d whispered back to him “you are too.”

Awww. ❀πŸ₯°

Then he told me that I was doing an amazing job too, before I told him that HE was doing an amazing job supporting us all, and then we closed our eyes to sleep.

Happiness Sunday. πŸ™β€

#2625 Back to the local

I’ve been sharing a lot of coffee posts lately… and you gotta understand, it’s this simple thing that has me looking forward to something, no matter how small it may be to others, lately.

But today’s morning coffee was something else.

You see, when I was pregnant (and for years before that) with baby boy and Hubbie and I would frequent our usual Wednesday brunch spot…

We’d see prams, EVERYWHERE.

Mums and prams, mums and prams. Hubbie would joke they needed more prams there because it wasn’t the most spacious cafe to begin with, and so we said once our baby arrived, we would add ours to the mix too. 🀣❀

So happily, today was the day we returned there, to have our usual Wednesday brunch, and add to the pram club. πŸ™

And add to it we did. I squashed the pram between our table and another’s and I even had people get up and move when we got up to leave, so tight the front of house is!

But we were there. We came back.

We did it. We came back with our precious baby boy in tow, and if you’d been privy to all our conversations before I fell pregnant, you’d know how much today meant to us. πŸ₯°β€

#2617 Classroom visit

Baby girls school did an ‘open classroom’ thing today. For a couple of hours at the end of the day, their classrooms were open to parents and carers to come and visit and see what the students had been doing.

This timing was perfect for us. Hubbie has Tuesday afternoons off work now, and I of course am off work for an important, entirely different reason other than rostering… plus I have been going stir crazy.

So we went to visit baby girl’s classroom today. Hubbie, I and her baby brother tagging along. πŸ₯°

We pushed the pram into the classroom and baby girl saw us and ran to us! She was so excited, jumping up and down, calling her teachers to tell them we had arrived, with her friends excitedly milling around to get a glimpse at her baby brother.

We had a great session placing our thumbprints on a classroom family tree, playing maths games with her, and almost everyone, including the principal who stopped by, was leaning over to catch a peek at baby boy.

It was a special afternoon, more so because we were all there TOGETHER. πŸ’™β€πŸ’™β€

#2615 A new family coffee time

Within this never-ending cycle we seem to be in –

Crying changing feeding.
Sleeping.
Not sleeping.
Crying changing feeding.
Awake time.
Crying.
Sleeping.
Screaming.
Beetroot face.
Tears.
Nap.
Crying changing feeding.
Look, he copied our tongue!
Screaming.
We’re now crying too –

We had to change the pace today while baby boy was napping. We quickly put him in the car while still in the asleep part of the cycle, for some afternoon interjection of coffee.

Finally, out with my whole family! It really is the little things. πŸ™β€

Then back home, and back to the eat awake nap scream cycle we went…

#2614 Dual newborn gratitude

I’ve happily said this before, but I speak so much from the heart I honestly am lost as to which one means more.

I have two things to be grateful for:

Baby boy gave me a 3 hour block of sleep last night! And if I slept that long, that means HE slept that long overnight. It’s the first time I’ve had over 2 hours sleep since having baby boy over 3 weeks ago, so that is great.

The second one is… I headed out.

With Hubbie’s urging that I get out of the house for my sanity, I went to a local cafe with baby girl AND now baby boy… my first solo parenting gig with both kids! I was probably more excited than nervous, and my positive vibes were for good reason as baby boy slept the whole time we were out – at cafe and the adjacent park!

And although I don’t have the photo evidence of my 3 hours sleep as I do breaking out of the house, rest assured that the prospect of future prolonged sleep spells mean as much to me as uninterrupted coffee time. And if you know my love for coffee, you know that is A LOT. πŸ™β€β˜•πŸ˜΄

#2613 Post-partum musings and survival

My, how things can change in a day. Both for good, AND bad.

Parenthood is a rollercoaster. Yesterday I was laughing about my newfound love of MAFS, feeling confident at my combined 8 hours of sleep from mid-week (broken into 5 blocks of course), and I also totally smashed out the evening routine… after I fed baby boy and put him down, he lay there happily looking about, eyeing out his owl mobiles on the cot, while I did the dishes, unloaded the dishwasher, made some rice, and got almost all of dinner underway, as well as putting on washing and taking it in.

I was so pumped, I very nearly decided to walk to a cafe with him early morning, but alas it was near feeding time and you cannot delay a newborn’s meal time.

Alas, today, the complete opposite. Overnight was hard. So very hard. Combined awake time for 3 hours, and then after a very short nap, baby boy woke, extremely irritated, fussy, crying. Nothing seemed to appease him.

Perhaps the worst of it? My mental state. I had reached my limit. After 3 weeks of lacklustre sleep, I could barely keep my eyes open. The fatigue was debilitating, and I was struggling not just with that, but with the mental capacity to hold him, tend to him, keep him happy, work out what was wrong, etc.

Today when he wouldn’t stop crying as I tried to prepare my breakfast, I kinda lost the plot.

I had reached the end point. I couldn’t do it anymore.

I get emails from COPE, and have been since I was registered with the hospital where I had baby boy. They send information relating to your stage of the journey from pregnancy, all the way to the 4th trimester, post-partum with baby. It stands for Centre of Perinatal Excellence, and I have been enjoying the emails, taking refuge and insight into information that might be helpful to me.

Today though, the email topic was about self-care. I could’ve laughed if I didn’t have tears running down my cheek.

‘Surround yourself with a village, to help you achieve much needed self-care.’ Reading that sentiment, I never felt more alone.

Feeling physically isolated is one thing. But feeling the emotional isolation is a whole other damning ball-game. I don’t have the luxury of people stopping in, providing me with relief, support, a shoulder to cry on. Everyone is too far. everyone is too busy.

People think that the days surrounding coming home with baby are the most important. In many ways, people crowd you and are there all at once – then promptly leave you alone to your own devices.

Your mental thoughts, and your very, very tough, devices.

Don’t get me wrong. I have had much support from friends and family around me… via text. But my situation is damning in more ways than one. Because I can’t be bothered, I’m tired, I don’t know what to say… yet at the same time I need someone so bad, someone to puncture the monotony of the day, to make the helplessness go away.

The baby blues are a real thing. Could it be more? I’m not sure. My mood from starting this post to the end has already shifted, and so it goes that of course my hormones are still going a mile a minute, heading in one direction before promptly putting on the brakes and heading elsewhere.

Some people don’t know how easy they have it. One influencer I follow on social media who had her baby boy a month before I did, posted an honest account of how she looks so put-together so soon after giving birth… she said it’s only because she has dozens of family, friends, all kinds of people coming in and out of her house, helping her with the baby, helping her get by.

She has a village. Many, many people don’t.

I never felt so alone as I did after reading that. I had Hubbie for just over two weeks, but he needs to work. He had to go back to work this week. And I am left struggling and balancing the physical and mental load of caring for two children, one who is finding his way in the world, and then there’s me, who is struggling finding herself after wanting another child for so long.

The baby blues don’t discriminate. Depression doesn’t discriminate with what you wanted, who you were, where you are. your age, your hair colour, whether you write a gratitude blog or not.

The nights are long… and the days follow suit. Sunlight is there, but what use is it when you are cooped up all day in the house, tending to a crying, fussing baby?

I love my baby, so, so much. But three weeks of physical and mental exhaustion, and I am so, so tired.

So, where is the gratitude here? I’ve nearly survived a week. A week where Hubbie has been back at work. It has been incredibly hard. I try to remind myself that this time now is the hardest… maybe we will get relief at times… maybe things will regress, again.

The unknowingness has me rattled. Has me stressed.

I know I have made it this far. It’s just fucking hard. And to think, I prayed for this for so long.

Again, depression doesn’t discriminate.

#2610 What she said no. 16

I sat on the couch this evening with a sigh. In the background hubbie carried baby boy as he cried, “shh, shh, shushing” away.

It was his turn, edition 2,367 of the ‘why is baby boy crying?’ project.

Baby girl saw my dismay and exhaustion and immediately sprung to action. She sat right beside me and put her arm around my shoulders, giving me a sweet, compassionate smile.

“Don’t be sad Mum. You’re doing a great job.”

I smiled appreciatively back at her, about to reply, but she added…

“It’s just that baby boy won’t listen to you.”

πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈπŸ˜†

Lol. And she would know all about that, right?

So well put darling. Thank you. πŸ˜πŸ’ž

#2609 Stronger than that

I’ve been dreading this day for a while now. The day Hubbie left my supportive side and went back to work.

18 days. That’s how long I had him with me. And it was only a few days into his parental leave that I had looked forward and realised ‘oh crap, how will I survive without you when you go back to work?’

But I did. We did. He went back to work. I once again only had about 3.5 hours of sleep before dropping off baby girl at school, and that was off the back of a pretty horrendous night with baby boy. Off the back of 18 nights of minimal sleep.

I thought I would struggle. I thought I would crumble. But I’m stronger than that.

Sure these days are hard, so, so hard. But I try to remind myself, I’ve gone through worse and have come out the other side.

πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ