#2425 Sunset musings

The sky looked pretty and bright this evening.

I reflected a lot during the day and then at night.

I spoke out loud, my hopes, my fears. Sometimes I can’t believe where I’m at. It hit me today, a few times.

“If I am sleeping let me never wake up.”

For the most part I am one with reality, it has sunk in. But then I buy another baby outfit with baby girl, some maternity wear… she laughs at me when I look at yet another onesie, but then she too coos over a cute neutral number that boy or girl can wear.

So we buy it.

We aren’t finding out the gender. I love people guessing. I love guessing. We can make a game of it. People get awfully heated too about their opinions of how you carry, while I just laugh and laugh.

I love it.

When I was pregnant with baby girl I had one friend tell me there was no doubt I was carrying a boy – everything about my tummy pointed to that. And yet when baby girl came out, they put their hands up in defense – “you’re proof the old wives tale is wrong!”

At this rate I’m collecting more clothes than baby will wear. I’m excited. I’ve earnt the right to feel this way too.

I am still craving juice. Juice juice juice. Boost juices have replaced my coffees, and I honestly don’t even miss that caffeine.

I’m not looking just bloated anymore. There is a definite bump. My tummy is stretching constantly, moving and shifting and giving me feels I have never felt before. It makes me feel like this is the first time, though my precious baby girl who kisses my belly nearly every day is proof that it isn’t.

I look out at the waters before me. They sparkle. Spring is coming. Will baby get to step into those waters next Summer, or will they be just a tad too small?

Maybe we can hope for an Indian Summer.

It makes sense. I’m having one in my own life right now. 😉🙏🏖️🩴

#2392 Kisses all around

Baby girl on my left.

Hubbie on my right.

Kisses on my left.

Kisses on my right.

I was sandwiched in kisses tonight!

We aren’t taking for granted the fact that we can safely be around each other again… sans masks, sans 1.5 metre social distancing. We can hug, we can kiss, and we can sit right up against each other, just as we did tonight on the couch.

Feeling the love. 💞💞

#2282 The dangers and joys of parenting

Becoming a parent should come with an OH&S warning.

There are soooo many dangers.

Just as you need to watch that…

their little hands don’t get jammed in the door hinge (ouch)

they don’t walk into walls

they don’t fall on hard surfaces

they don’t choke

they don’t put any uninvited objects in their mouth

(plus a billion other worries)

so us too, the parents, need to watch out for serious injury or damage.

I have been jumped on.

I have had my nose and forehead headbutted, HARD.

I have been sure my teeth were going to break from impact.

I have had scratches on my arms (tickle fights!)

And this morning, I had a finger in my eye. 🤦‍♀️

I woke up baby girl for school this morning, and as I usually do, I kissed her on repeat about 20 times, trying to get her up. She ducked under the covers, hiding from me, so I cheekily kept kissing her arm which was exposed…

And then as she brushed my over-the-top affection away, her finger went bam!

In my eye.

I went “oh oh oh” -ing into the bathroom, throwing water into my eye, anything to make the ache stop. My eye was red and watery for a while, and I tried to rise above it and NOT get mad, (deep breath) telling her it wasn’t her fault (after all she was under the covers) and that I just had to be careful next time.

She met me in other other room moments later, ready for me to fix her hair. She walked up ever so cautiously, peering at me carefully, and then kissed my eyelid several times.

“Mama, is your eye better?”

Awww. And that right there, is the JOY. 💖💖

#1931 The stage she is at, 7.9

She snuggles in close when we’re on the couch. Something sweet comes on TV… she puts her arm around me and leans on my shoulder.

We laugh hysterically at her Dad’s antics. We set each other off just by looking at each other: hers laughs are loud, addictive cackles that explode from her, wild and free; mine are silent laughs where my face contorts, as I hug my sides, gasping for breath.

We glance at each other as we lose control. So different, and so we laugh and laugh.

When she sits on my lap, she sits as close as she can. I nuzzle into her soft neck, notice her red cheeks, and kiss her precious head. She pulls me in closer.

I tuck her in at night. As I always have.

“You’re the best Mum.”

“And you’re the best daughter.”

Then she delays bedtime. Stories, search and find books, life’s greatest questions suddenly abound.

I kiss her goodnight again. She kisses me endlessly… it adds to the game.

I am stern, but grateful.

“Goodnight.”

She tosses, she turns. Eventually her breath turns even.

I love the stage baby girl is at.

I love the stage, we are at. 💖💖💖

#1635 Day 137 of getting there: kissing those cheeks.

Oh. Oh. OHHHHH.

It was one of those days.

Shitty. Frustrating. Annoying.

So when baby girl came to me at my work desk to watch what I was doing, I had to do what I had to do…

I planted a few big kisses on her cheeks.

“Mmm.” I breathed in her scent.

Ever notice how amazing kids smell? They say babies smell divine, and I definitely remember that, but boy, can kids smell delicious too.

I grabbed her and started kissing her all over her face, to her laughter and protests.

“Stop!” She yelled.

So I stopped.

And she leaned her head in to me again, grinning.

An invitation.

So I grabbed her again and kissed her all over.

Immediately, my load was lightened. 😘😍💖💕

#1620 Day 122 of getting there: everything and nothing

While waiting for baby girl to fall asleep tonight, I went over my day…

Looking for gratitude, as I do.

But… hmm. Nothing sprang to mind.

Hey, haven’t I been in this place before?

I sure have. Where there is nothing particularly enlightening or fascinating about the day, but at the same time, nothing is bad.

Things are good. Even amidst all this corona, things are good.

I reviewed some more of my day as I heard her breathing even out.

I had a great day with Hubbie and baby girl. Her home-schooling was finished early so that gave us the whole day to do… whatever.

We organised quotes for around the house. That was exciting (oh how very grown up we are).

I wrote.

I sent emails.

I caught up on STUFF.

I made yummy pasta with parmesan and pepper.

I pat Mister F.

We played Trouble… I won.

I heard from someone who really, didn’t need to call me, but she did… and it meant a lot to know, and feel that she really cared.

That, was lovely. 🙂

But other than that…

Oh, let’s not forget Bachelor in Paradise!

Hugs and kisses from my family.

Cuddling in baby girl’s bed at the end of the night.

And now, just chilling.

It’s nothing in particular. But it all amounts to something.

And these some things, are actually BIG THINGS.

It’s good. I’m happy.

So, I’m still grateful. 🙂

#1611 Day 113 of getting there: someone to hug

Today my gratitude is a bit weird.

Because it’s got to do with death. Death has been creeping into my thoughts.

A person doesn’t have to die for you to think about death. I think at a certain age we start to think of it more and more. Hell, with all this coronavirus around us, it’s a wonder that we don’t talk about it ALL THE TIME.

Past trauma can remind you of death. The process of life can remind you of death… it is guaranteed we will all end up there at one point or another.

Sometimes for me, just the simplicity and beauty of life can remind me of it.

Today though, it was death that reminded me of death.

My mouth dropped open when I heard the news that Kelly Preston, John Travolta’s wife, had died on July 12th following a 2 year private battle with breast cancer.

She was 57.

Floored, was an understatement. Even though I saw it on a reputable news network, I had to look it up to confirm it was true. I watched the news report on it later that night. Tears welled up, my mouth turned downwards.

It was so unfair.

Did I really know Kelly Preston? No, not really. I knew her as Avery in Jerry Maguire, one of my favourite movies of all time. She plays the classic high-brow, over-achieving, sexy, sassy and totally bitchy fiance to Tom Cruise’s sports agent character.

She played the role so well, I almost forgot it was Kelly Preston. In real life, she seemed so sweet, happy, her face was so gentle. I knew she and her husband had lost their 16 year old son to a seizure, and they had been able to have another child some years later.

John Travolta’s wife.

Maybe it was because of him that I liked her so much. I grew up loving John in Grease… another one of my fave movies of all time. Scenes will play, and I will recite, word for word from that movie.

I know there has been a lot of scandal surrounding them, especially John over the years. I know there was speculation about their relationship, and I know the way John was perceived in his younger years started to change drastically, for the worse, in these recent years.

But today, all I could think of was his tribute to his late wife.

All I could think, was how they had experienced so much pain, to have to lay their child to rest, and they got through it, somehow.

All I could think, was how their relationship stood the test of time, through scandal, through sadness, through HOLLYWOOD.

So many relationships out of there don’t last months, let alone years and years and tragedy.

And it just makes me want to cry.

These stories are sad. They are true. They aren’t taken from a movie, and then lo and behold, surprise miracle cure! The person is alive again. They beat the disease.

They beat the bastard cancer.

Some real life stories do take a turn of events, like in a fairytale. Many don’t.

Today, after hearing the sad news of Kelly Preston, I hugged my daughter, tightly.

We sat on the couched, rolled around and tickled each other, and I didn’t mind one bit as our heads collided, my nose bumped hers, and she swatted my kisses away playfully.

I didn’t mind it at all.

Because I had someone to hug.

#1240 Kiss-fest

I’m really enjoying watching baby girl grow and develop into a young girl. It gets me all misty-eyed MANY times, but what I am enjoying most of all, is also our relationship growing and developing.

I’m finding lately we are really laughing together more. I become her equal in those moments, and she mine, and we end up cacking over something totally hilarious or totally trivial, doubled over in laughter…

It can be us playing dolls and Mister F will walk past, and I act out the dolls – “Argh! A black and white monster!”

Or she’ll be sooking about something silly and I pull a weird/funny face, and she can’t help but laugh and pull one back, and then I do it again, and etc until we are totally losing it.

Or like tonight. She does this thing every so often at bedtime, and it is part a delay mechanism, part because she is so affectionate. But she will grab me as I am kissing her goodnight, her arms firmly around my neck holding me close, as she counts –

“1!” and then plants a kiss on my cheek.

“2!” Kiss!

“3!” Kiss!

“4!” Kiss!

“5!” Kiss!

“6!” Kiss!

“7!” Kiss!

“8!” Kiss!

“9!” Kiss!

And then yells out “10!” before blowing a massive rapsberry on my cheek.

I always brace for impact, but let her do it anyway… she has a ball. Tonight however, she got up to 10… and kept going.

“11!'” Kiss!

“12!” Kiss!

Each time she pulled back to count further I pulled a confused, exaggerated expression. Her counts became incoherent as she burst into laughter, so that at 17 I was like “what number are you even up to?”

She kept kissing me in hysterics as she counted something in a muddle, and I fell onto her laughing and trying hard to breathe normally.

Ahhh. It’s in these moments I let go of everything.

I let go of trying to make everything right.

I let go of being the parent.

I let go of rules.

I let go of routine and order.

I let go of worries.

I let go of the past.

I let go of what ‘should be.’

I let go of all those knots within me, and in the tremors of laughter vibrating off me, they untie and go loose, and waves of happiness and love pour out.

It is magical.

She counted up to 25, somehow… my cheek was wet… and then she yelled “10!”

And I got my raspberry. Though my insides were fuzzy too, not just my cheek. 🙂 ♥

 

#1093 The Goodbye kiss lives on

I didn’t expect it would happen so soon. Nonetheless, when the first bell rang at 9am, the kids on the playground did their momentary pause, before running at full speed towards the coloured caterpillars painted on the concrete, where they would line up.

I watched baby girl jump up from the bark-filled playground area, and start to run past me.

“No kiss?” I called out.

But she was GONE. I walked slowly, getting closer to her caterpillar, similar parents around me also coming closer for a look, kiss, and a wave goodbye.

Don’t get sad. You knew this day would come. I swallowed and tried not to think about it as I saw her line up. Don’t make a scene – she is happy.

Don’t make a scene.

The second bell rang. A couple of teachers were now present, and they started to lead their lined up preppies into the building. I watched as baby girl’s class was led forward, saw with happiness she was holding hands with one of her friends, and smiled at her when she looked my way.

Suddenly, a wave of horror washed over her face. As if in slow motion. Walking by near me, following the other kids in –

She realised she had not gotten a goodbye kiss!

I watched her, amused yet alert, knowing her sudden anxious reaction may spell bad things.

“Mum! Kiss!”

She had stopped, and all the kids behind her stopped abruptly too. Her friend kept holding her hand as she stood still, with the kids in front of them still heading on into the building. I blew her a kiss, but it wasn’t enough.

“Mum!”

I ran over quickly and leaned in for a hug.

SMOOCH!

“Okay, now go!” I urged.

I leaned back. Ok, drama kind of avoided…

Who am I kidding. We totally made a scene.

But I don’t care, because my girl still wants to kiss me.

Gratitude = √