#2512 Give yourself permission to be totally wrong

Yesterday and today, I haven’t taken baby girl to school.

Or picked her up. My car is at the mechanic’s and it may be there a couple more days.

Hubbie instead, has left work both mornings to run home and drop her off.

Yesterday I asked baby girl’s friend’s mum to pick her up for me.

She more than happily obliged.

Even though she told me that she was able to pick her up again today… I was hesitant.

You see, I kinda realised something about myself.

I find it REALLY hard to ask for help.

It’s something I’m so used to doing, being, ever since we moved down here and made our sea change. We knew we had no one in this area to rely on, to help us out with child-minding duties, random help here and there, and although we were prepared, we weren’t really prepared.

But we have accepted it, it’s what we wanted, and it is the way it is.

Because we rely on ourselves so solely, I think this is part of the problem.

My problem.

Not only do I find it hard to ask for help… I hate to put people out. I felt sooo bad to ask the mum again if she could help out this afternoon, I was on the verge of tears. But my Mum had told me on the phone yesterday to ask again, to not feel bad about it, and Hubbie was much the same, saying one day, you’ll help her kids out too!

But there’s a little more to this story than meets the eye.

I was reluctant to ask for help, because this mum I’ve been feeling up and down about for a while now.

Without getting into the full history, we started off really good. Since prep. Lots of playdates, the girls had fun, and we always bump into each other at the same beach.

Sometime in the last year, I found out she had a playdate with another friend of theirs. Not just someone, but a girl from baby girl’s small friendship group. Essentially, out of the three girls, baby girl was left out.

This kinda enraged me, I will not lie. I never exclude her close friends from playdates, I include them all so no one is left out.

I didn’t know why baby girl was excluded.

I withdrew. Avoided her at the pick-up gate. Gave her a bit of the silent treatment.

Then to make matters worse, that friend of hers actually said some really mean things to baby girl. I got involved, told the teacher, there was intervention, etc, etc.

Things have been returning to some kind of prior normal, but I’m an elephant. I don’t forget.

I thought I had this mum all figured out. At first, she seemed to be the super friendly, easy-going, happy-go-lucky type, but clearly there was no loyalty. Clearly she wasn’t too involved in her daughter’s life, or else she would have stepped in to tell her not to say such hurtful things to a so-called friend.

I thought she had been my type, but I had clearly been way off the mark. I was keen for baby girl to move on, and being the end of the year I knew there was a chance they would be split up next year.

But then, a birthday party happened a couple of weeks ago. At that birthday party the mum told me that she was available if I needed her to watch baby girl, at any time now, leading up to baby’s arrival, what with all the increased appointments I have during the end months now, etc.

I was shocked, moved even. It was the furthest thing I was expecting after the year that had passed.

Which is why I had been so tentative yesterday to ask her to pick her up.

Which is why I was tearful today when I had to ask her again.

I felt guilty. Very, very guilty.

Clearly, I had gotten it all wrong. I had gotten her ALL WRONG.

Yeah, she was happy-go-lucky. She was casual. She probably didn’t look into things as much as I did. I’m a classic overthinker. She probably set her daughter up on play dates, not to exclude baby girl, but just to keep her daughter happy (now that I think, there have been plenty of times only her daughter and mine have caught up too).

She didn’t know about her daughter’s mean words, probably…? Which child tells their parent everything though? It’s a really tricky area, because her daughter is actually nice, but I think she is used to getting her own way, a bit like baby girl. So they clash. 🤦‍♀️ I often wonder what baby girl perhaps said or how she contributed to words being spoken between them. However, I see that their teacher did a wonderful job of helping to repair that friendship, because nothing has happened since.

I had gone grrr. All mama bear. Ultimate protector of my child. I went into defense mode, got judgmental, and decided that I didn’t want her in my life anymore. Hi, bye, that was fine.

But nothing else.

So when she offered help, and then again kept saying to me yesterday “just tell me if you need me to pick her up” insisting she was there for me…

I was quite honestly at a loss to explain her actions.

I was only left with one conclusion.

I had been completely wrong.

Or really, my first thoughts were correct. It was when things went askew that led me to have these other thoughts, and I guess, I’m human right? I should have trusted those first positive instincts, and if anything this experience has taught me a lot about myself, how I look at others, and that sometimes, I can be completely wrong.

It’s very easy to let your experiences and biases cloud your judgment. It happens on a daily basis for everyone! I want to try and not be so quick to assume, to judge, and only hope if I make a mistake somewhere, others give me the same benefit.

Her real person came through these last couple of days when we had no one else to help. She threw us a massive lifeline, and I know now who she is, where she stands, and what kind of person she really is.

There is enormous power in allowing yourself to be completely wrong, owning it, and then changing your thoughts, your ways. We have so much to learn in life, and by stubbornly holding onto views or opinions that serve us no more, we limit ourselves to a close-minded view of life where growth never happens, and learning is non-existent.

Allow yourself to be wrong. I was talking about this with Hubbie today, and there was something incredibly refreshing and liberating about saying to him, wow, I was sooo wrong.

(Even he admits, he was a little wrong too 🤭)

I won’t forget this. Remember, I’m an elephant. 🐘

#2473 6 years of the bay

Exactly 6 years ago, on October 14th, also a Friday, we moved our lives to the other side of this city.

It somehow feels like a lot of time has passed, while in some ways it feels like it’s flown by.

There has been a lot of growth though.

We have grown. All of us. Baby girl has grown up here. She’s established her friendships and school life here, and that is something we’ve always wanted.

We finally know the secret back streets, best places that do coffee (priority) have our favourite and then our experimental beaches, as well as our reliable local grocery spots where we seem to spend so much time at.

Our house has changed. We have done a lot to it, renovations and face lifts and improvements, and yet, there is still much more to go.

But, baby steps.

Lastly, our home has grown in love. Years ago we welcomed a feline friend, saved from the local shelter no less, and the love is happily growing even more… we are making way for a new member of the family to make their arrival in about 4 months time.

Yes, things have changed. They are meant to. But our resolve to make a better life for ourself, our child/ren, our pets! has not wavered, and I think we are doing alright.

It’s a forever work in progress, a project I am happily committed to.

To many more years of beach-bum-loving folk. 💗🌅

#2451 Living like a tourist

The one thing about living bayside that bugs me the most?

Tourists coming here and living my life when I am not doing it!

Living where we do, it becomes an ultimate hotspot in warm periods and over long weekends and public holidays.

Today was a public holiday, at the start of a LONG weekend.

And, it was sunny.

Of course, the people were out and about!

However, I was working today. Even so, having the sun out, shining through the window, and Hubbie and baby girl walking through the house made me feel good.

But… we wanted a tad more. So as soon as I clocked off, we headed off to the Main Street, to tourist with the rest of them. 😁

We grabbed some ice cream, lining up for 15 minutes behind the hoards of people, and then did a slow meander down between the park and the beach, before doing a walk across the sand, then a stop at the park for baby girl.

So many years ago we were like those tourists. In fact we loved it here so much, we decided to actually move. But often as is life, it gets away from us, and we end up going through the motions and the routines, obsessed with our to-do lists, more than we do the living in the present moment, which is how it gets, I think for everyone, from time to time…

It takes effort, it takes balance and it takes patience, but living your life and enjoying it is very well worth it.

And if it means you have to act like a tourist to make it happen, well so be it. Just as well I have a bed locally to sleep in. 🤣

#2219 Finding a different path

Now that school is back one of our most tried and treasured routines are back.

Our brunch stop, and then a quick beach walk. 💞💖

Today was lovely in that we walked a little further down Mothers Beach, and found an extra patch of sandy alcove that we don’t usually go down… and then we found a path.

What was at the end of the path? Well you’ll need to find me on @smikgwriter on Instagram and see the vid on my stories then won’t you?

A hint… it’s one of the main reasons why we moved. 🌊🏖️

#2068 5 years of that sky

You know when you’re anticipating a day off, and all the great things you can do, like catch-up on odd jobs, indulge in some me time, be productive, you know, a bit of everything?

Yeah, and you know when you’re planning the above, but then you don’t feel well so you DO NOTHING?

Uh huh. The latter for me today.

I was sitting in the yard and trying to get the afternoon sun to heal me as I sat with music softly playing out of my phone, thinking this ain’t too bad if I didn’t feel like shit…

And then something occurred to me. The day. The date.

5 years ago this day I had been anything but lazing about. Because 5 years ago on this day, we had been moving from one side of the city, to the other side.

It was our moving day anniversary.

In honour of it, I suggested a small walk around the block after dinner, since I was starting to feel somewhat better.

The view of the sky as we left.

And the view of it when we came back.

Those clouds look like little cities in the sky. Civilisations as well as so many dreams floating above us every which way.

And though I’ve been looking at the same sky ever since, the colours always change. Even within a matter of moments, a matter of minutes. It all takes shape and shifts. It changes, never stays the same.

And life mimics the movement. Life is always changing, the colours within it are always changing, but yet that sky…

It’s the backdrop to life, the thing I assess my days against. The sky that reminds me of a greater purpose to everything and how small we are in the world in comparison.

5 years of that sky. What other colours is it yet to show me?

#2006 The wind of change

I like reading up on my horoscope. And though I take it all with a grain of salt, when my monthly one said that the first half of the Leo month would be, frankly put, CRAP, well I started to see it everywhere.

And hey, don’t blame me, it’s not Leo month’s fault! It’s all in the planets, and their alignment. 🌙☀

It’s THEIR fault. 🤣

But just as the horoscope promised, the second half of the Leo season would end on a super sweet note.

I think the winds of change are already here.

I had a full on start to the day with work, and having planned a park date with baby girl, as soon as I was finished we ran out the door, got some takeaway coffee and babycino, some sweets, and started walking to the beach end of Main Street.

But, other than the pleasant, still, sunny air… another surprise.

Someone had paid the coffee forward. Free drinks for us. 💖

The park was beautiful, and it was so evident the atmospheric change. Unlike other Wintry days, there was barely any wind to be felt.

Interesting too, that 5 years ago on this day, we took a leap of faith, into our own wind of change.

We purchased our house exactly 5 years ago!

So much change. Sea change, the wind has changed leaving Winter slowly bidding a goodbye, and the Leo season seems to be changing for the better too.

I for one am totally up for it.

Photo by Faik Akmd on Pexels.com

#1859 Autumn sunset

This season, I knew what would happen.

This is our fifth Autumn in our Sea change location. I’ve gotten used to the yin and yang, the ebb and flow of things, the extreme contrasts we experience in the weather here, day in and day out.

Well, you can’t ever really know what to expect from Melbourne weather, can you? But, we’re ALL getting there, aren’t we?

And so, tonight.

I love the orange warmth that stretches across the sky.

The wispy grey clouds that lie lazily across the sharp blue impending night.

The glow on the horizon that lights up the rooms of our home.

The way the weather is slowly getting cooler, and yet the sky is getting even more beautiful.

That, is the Autumn sunset. 🌅🍂

#1642 Day 144 of getting there: Happy August Memories

Today, I did some washing. Hung it in our backyard.

I baked some muffins. Scents of banana and cocoa filled the walls within our home.

I ripped out old plants and dying branches from flowers that desperately needed a good prune. I tidied it up…

To make our home look more pretty.

And it was all the more convenient and timely, that I did these random, but interconnected odd jobs, as the theme unifying it all was that of the home.

Tending to the home.

Using the home.

Filling up the home.

Because on this day 4 years, we bought this home.

I made the winning bid. When I think of that day, I have to shake my head in disbelief sometimes. It was 4 years ago, but many parts of that day are still so clear to me, even now.

I remember the well wishes I received the morning of the auction by some amazing family and friends.

I remember driving up with my Mum and baby girl… and being so nervous, that both Mum and I had to stop at a servo to pee on the way.

I remember arriving 15 minutes into the inspection before auction. I remember the street being FULL of cars. I remember nosy neighbours walking off, having had enough of a sticky beak, not caring to see who would get the house.

I remember NOT ONE auctioneer approaching me as I wandered through the house for the final time before the dum dum daaaa! moment.

I remembered my sister seeing the view from upstairs and saying “it’s a great house” but saying it in a way like “shit, it will be competitive.”

I remember my bro-in-law saying similar words, saying he’d overheard a lot of interested parties talking about it.

I remember all of us standing outside in the front yard, with the strong Winter wind blowing around.

I remember baby girl running around the yard as the main auctioneer started his spiel, referring to her in his opening monologue.

I knew then, that that was a GOOD SIGN.

I remember him motioning to the water views behind us, while I secretly cursed him – “don’t remind them of the views!”

I remember him saying that the winning person could celebrate on the main street afterwards at one of the many cafes, and the desire was so strong in me then, because we had been to those cafes and those restaurants. We had walked those streets, we had holidayed here, and we had done our research.

We were ready.

I remember the auction beginning, and Mum standing near baby girl, watching her run around while mumbling under her breath that the price was going too high.

I remember my sister positioned closer to the nature strip, creating a barrier so that baby girl couldn’t escape.

And I remember my bro-in-law standing behind me, ready to whisper words of advice.

I remember staying quiet for a long time.

I remember the TOTAL SATISFACTION (this is SO clear to me) when I put up my hand, and made my first bid.

The auctioneer looked at me, and his expression conveyed something else.

I had come in later. He knew I meant business.

And I remember how when I made the second, third bid, one of the agents made a beeline to me, thinking he could now help me.

Huh. Where were you guys INSIDE the house?

I had my own agent behind me 😉

I remember holding that winning bid… and the auctioneer urging others to jump in… while I begged in my head “please no, just let it be over…”

Then, IT WAS OVER.

There was clapping. There was cheering. People around me were genuinely happy.

And we were over the moon!

Inside, a familiar face! I saw the agent I had been talking to leading up to that day… He had been hiding out with the owners, of course.

I signed contracts with shaky hands, and snapped a photo of the interior, with the price tag, to Hubbie.

HE WAS OVER THE MOON.

After celebratory photos with the auction board, we headed to the main street.

Mum, sis, baby girl and I had our celebratory coffees and treats.

And when we got home hours later, Hubbie was on cloud nine.

I remember all this so fondly, and I don’t think I can ever forget such a momentous day for us.

A day where we realised our big dream of sea changing, a day when we made it.

And so when baby girl snapped a sunset from my phone this evening (I’ve trained her well) I didn’t think much of it…

‘Til I previewed it later.

It was blurry. Much like a memory can be. But there was that lawn. I could still see that sign in my head.

The guy who was standing to the left of me… the two ladies on my right. The family of four who I thought of often, comprised of a couple with their two young girls, who walked off half-way through the auction…

I hope they found their dream house, just as we found ours.

Now there were different plants, different colours, and different people coming in and out…

And 4 years on, there’s no place we’d rather be. 💖🏡🌅🥰

#1570 Day 72 of getting there: bathe it all away

I’ve always had an attraction to water.

I may have said it before, but growing up in my teens, I used to tell bestie that one day I wanted to have a beach house.

I didn’t know how. I didn’t know when.

To be honest, I didn’t even know if it were possible.

It certainly didn’t seem possible at the time.

And yet… isn’t it funny how things end up working out?

Water isn’t only my recluse. My solace. Living near, being close to, or sitting under water has been shown to bring about many benefits to ALL people, some of which are lowered stress and anxiety, and just a greater sense of wellbeing.

In the Summer, I am far more relaxed. Yet I still find myself breathing deeply when wading through the beach waters, taking it all in, and giving myself a moment to meditate with my eyes open.

In the colder months… different story.

Driving past the beach helps. As does looking out the window. But another way I find water submersion in Winter, is in my own home.

The bath.

I had planned on an end-of-week bath, but today, as mentally and emotionally stressed as I found myself, I realised I needed to hurry the ‘me time’ to tonight.

So, what do I do?

I light a candle. Make sure the water is HOT.

And then, not very much at all. That is the whole point after all.

I do watch my thoughts. I open myself up to the Universe, to see what questions come to me, and what answers just as quickly flow through me.

I remain impassive. I let go, my fingers floating on the surface of the water.

I breathe in light, love, and all the good in the world. All of my hopes, desires and dreams.

And I breathe out negativity, and that which does not serve me…

Then I pull the plug.

And the black energy I’ve expelled, goes down the drain.

Photo by Holger Link on Unsplash.

#1522 Day 24 of getting there: Take a walk on the simple side

One of the great things that will come out of this coronavirus isolation period (and I guarantee there will be many things that people will come to really appreciate) is that people will be much more connected to nature.

It’s all there is really. Walking, exercising. It’s the one saving grace.

And it’s become ours too.

I think we’ll all realise just how simple and beautiful our lives can be, by just going outside. By going back to nature, enjoying the free and natural parts of life, that are all accessible just by stepping out the front door.

I’ve come to really rely on our end of day walks. And the photo I snapped above?

That part of the walk is my favourite.

WHY?

Because there’s a house off the path there somewhere, with a real fireplace. And the smell of firewood burning as we walk past…

MMMM.

It smells amazing.

It makes me feel like we’re on holiday.

It makes me feel the way we used to feel, back when we lived on the other side of town, and would travel down here, to our now sea change house, back then our getaway sea change destination of choice… (PHEW).

And I love it. I love feeling like we’re away, if only a moment, especially when we can’t go further than out our front door, or at the very most, around the block.

And isn’t that amazing? How nature can make us feel? ♥♥♥