#1894 From the earth

Check out what I’m drinking:

What the hell is that you ask? That is RAW HERBS.

I’ve had a couple of health things that will not go away, and this was suggested to me by someone who I’ve grown to depend on a lot in recent times. They are pungent, with a deep earthy smell, a bit sweet, extremely rich, and they look freaking cool in the pot too.

As I was boiling it down three times tonight, I exclaimed happily to Hubbie “Look at my bark! Look at my bark!”

And just as it looks like it’s been stripped from a tree, so too is it good to go back into the ground, apparently as great compost.

Good for all. 😂

I gotta laugh, I gotta do something.

Let’s see if they work. 🙏🤞

#1814 Taking action

What a world of difference a day makes.

Oh my God.

Even though it was super dreary, and I felt flat waking up, and going about my day…

As I went through it, I realised something was different from yesterday.

ME.

I took action, and made deliberate steps forward to try and work out what is going on with my health.

A call here, email there… times 50. As much as I am still in the ‘discovery’ phase, my attitude today shifted to one of “what are we gonna do?” from my initial “woe is me.”

And it IS a better place to be.

And then surprise! As if the Universe sensed my extreme hurt and sadness yesterday, and just knew I needed a lift…

I won a competition today. For a comedy show.

Laughter. Tell me that ain’t a coincidence (psst, there aren’t any).

From tears of sadness, to tears of laughter, coming my way.

And all I can say is, THANK YOU.

I am grateful. 💖💖

#1813 I get knocked down…

But I get up again.

So close, so so soooo close to throwing in the towel for this gratitude blog.

You know I’ve never said it out loud, but I’ve seriously considered finishing this blog at number #2000.

I figure if I’ve managed to be grateful for at least one thing for all of those days, then I have the tools necessary to help me through life when times get hard.

Also, it’s a nice even number, and I have plenty of other writing projects to keep me busy anyway.

#2000. That’s only 187 days away. Sometime this year in fact.

But after the day I’ve had, I honestly am questioning if I’ve learnt anything at all.

Because I’m finding it very hard to be grateful.

I get knocked down,

But I get up again

You’re never gonna keep me down

Am I being too hard on myself? I mean, when you go through bad times, or nightmares keep repeatedly coming back to haunt you, how are you meant to act? With a laugh? A yippee? A friendly ‘oh darn, not this again’ with a Joker-like smile?

Nope.

When you’ve had the same freaking thing, annoying you, bugging you, and no one can tell you why, or explain it, and you’re going around and around in circles, and you’re even considering psychics for answers because seriously NO ONE ELSE KNOWS, and then it strikes again…

AHHH!

I get knocked down,

But I get up again

You’re never gonna keep me down.

Seriously. How am I meant to act?

Anyway, This is my bitch-fest. My whinge to the world. Take it as you will, because it may not last for long…

So, what am I even grateful for?

I get knocked down,

But I get up again…

For now.

#1752 A few steps forward, a few steps back…

How do you show gratitude on a day when you move forward…

But then you move back?

I started work again… but then I was like, damn I am cranky.

I was feeling better… but then I was like, “DAMN! I AM NOT!”

Things were looking on the upside… and just as quickly they turned to poo.

So, what do you do?

Just survive.

Sit on the couch. Binge TV. Talk it out. Message your Hubbie silly things while he’s sitting next to you.

Go through photos on your phone. Read old things you’ve written. Laugh with loved ones.

And suddenly, things won’t seem so worrisome after all.

Tomorrow, is a new day.

Photo by Guillaume Hankenne on Pexels.com

#1721 Day 223 of getting there: back to it all

Today was an exciting day.

WE GOT OUT.

Escaped from the confines of our home.

No, it wasn’t cleaning all day,

finding a board game to play,

then pruning with waters glistening in the horizon on the bay.

NAY.

WE WENT OUT.

Baby girl and I hit the Main street. Shopping. Excited with, “look, SHOPS ARE OPEN!”

We stopped at my 10/10 coffee place from the other day, Flowergirls and co cafe –

YAY –

and had a great coffee and babycino break.

And gingerbread man. 😉

People were milling around EVERYWHERE. EVERYONE was out.

We continued the fun this evening when we went out to dinner at one of our fave restaurants, The Royal Hotel.

HOORAY! Wine! I haven’t drank it in about 2 months. I was firstly going through some health hell, then I was terrified of drinking anything that wasn’t water, so I stayed away for so long…

Until tonight.

That one glass of red made me go all YIPPEE in my head, and immediately, I loved everyone. I missed everyone.

I mean, I do love and miss everyone, and by everyone I mean only those people I care about.

HA HA HA. (Still some alcoholic effects I see?) 😜

But seriously. Cheap drunk alert. I was happy happy, LA LA LA, my seafood linguine was NOM NOM NOM, and then we walked across the road, to the best view of them all.

Ahhh.

All in all, today was a great way to get back to it all.

Shop. Coffee. Dinner. Beach.

Relax. Happy. Grateful. YAY.

REPEAT.

#1694 Day 196 of getting there: trying to get there

I am going to be brutally honest with you.

Not that I’m usually dishonest. But doing this gratitude blog, means I focus in on some positive moment, event, thing, person, expression, and amplify it.

So often in our lives, we focus on that which doesn’t work. That which doesn’t go to plan, or that which makes our hearts sad.

That’s why I do this blog. To prove, that no matter what, you can find something good in every day.

I have had so many bad days. More than you will care to realise. And each time, I chug on, write another gratitude post, think of that one thing amidst many shit things that is worth focusing in on.

But I am really truly struggling as of late.

My health has been hit with some setbacks. When you fall ill, without any understanding of why it’s happening, and it comes back again, and again, and again…

You really start to doubt things in your life. You start to fear. Anxiety grows, slowly at first, but then like a garden you tend to, if you neglect it for only a few days, the weeds spread out and cover your every thought.

This has been my life. This has been me. Health issues, as well as other serious thoughts, and isolation, are all colliding together spectacularly.

I clutch onto good things in my day, like a cat with its claws dug into a piece of driftboard, as it sails further and further away into murky and stormy seas.

It is hard to avoid the deep, dark seas.

I am becoming devoid of passion. I have no motivation for things that used to bring me happiness. I am not looking forward, to anything… even my appetite has taken a hit.

I used to look forward to baking new things, finding new recipes… I can’t be bothered anymore.

I used to count all the opportunities during the week in which I could write in all my side projects… I can’t. I feel fake.

I would love sitting on the couch at the end of the night, doing whatever I liked, for me, while the rest of the house slept.

Now it just makes me feel more alone and scared than ever.

Fear and anxiety is the main presence in my life. I can’t trust anything… I am scared of what’s around the corner.

I just want my life to go back to how it used to be. But it feels so far away. Isolation, the absence of seeing my family, my friends, is making it so hard.

Being stuck in the square box we called home, the anxious thoughts circling around my head, following me from room to room, are not helping.

I’m honestly going mad.

And although on a good day, I would be overjoyed and proud to share something like this…

All three of the tulips blooming.

Today? Nothing. A mere distraction, that I’m trying so desperately to clutch onto.

I try to snap other things, other flowers, trying to remember how they will look like this season, based off previous years growth…

But not even curiosity can save me.

So I turn to you, anyone reading, to ask for help.

Having poured my heart out to you, I ask, I beg…

If you were ever in a moment, or a spate of days/weeks/months, of intense and extreme fear and anxiety, where the emotions took over all your senses and clouded all movements you made throughout your day, what did you do to help yourself?

Is there anything you did to help yourself? What helped? What could you have done better, looking back?

I really need some guidance here.

Thank you. 🙏

#1693 Day 195 of getting there: Two surprises

After a shit week, I was lucky to get a few things today, that were even better than my tulips blooming.

Bestie sent me a belated birthday present, a gorgeous mug.

It’s now my new favourite mug. And the message it gives is what I need more than ever right now. I need to feel powerful, not helpless.

My second surprise came when Hubbie got home from work. He bought me a beautiful bouquet.

I cried. Not because they were beautiful. But because of what he said.

“You’ve had a rough week.”

OMG yes. I just want to be free of fear. Healthy again. To have these scarring memories of health gone wrong, other fears, life not going how you expect… I want all of this to go away.

I need to remember, that life can be good again. I can be healthy. I can laugh, without troubling thoughts invading from my periphery of thought. I can feel EMPOWERED.

Those little mementos, from those I love, have helped me immensely today.

Their support feeds my healing. It feeds my growth. And it reminds me, I have people to lean on. 💖💖💖💖

#1681 Day 183 of getting there: Moving again

Today was weird.

Today, I felt like something was missing.

The day was fine. I felt fine. There wasn’t necessarily any major pressures.

The one thing actually missing was the homeschooling, but I wasn’t actually missing it in ANY shape of form.

But I think the start of the school holidays may have played some part in my weird feelings.

I still don’t know for sure what it is, that made me feel unsettled, off, incomplete…

But I have a few ideas.

It’s school holiday time. Usually I take time off and have a full schedule as we galivant around the state, going to attractions, meeting up with family and friends, and just generally having fun.

None of that is happening at the moment… I am working from home, and even if I wasn’t doing that, we aren’t allowed anywhere anyway.

None of the usual places are open. Almost nothing is allowed.

Today was a warm-ish kinda day. Knowing the week ahead falls in temp again, and we didn’t make use of today by going out for a walk, or to the park… Well it sucks.

So I had to do something. I had to change it up.

I started to move again.

Back when covid started, I was becoming more active, taking more walks around the block with baby girl, hell, sometimes running after her as she careened on her bike over rises in asphalt, as I tried frantically to catch up.

Still, I was running.

I was moving.

Winter fell, and the days grew colder. The lockdown and subsequent isolation, grew in length. The walks and runs around the block became more infrequent, and instead I turned to yoga. A regular practice began, and even though I wasn’t huffing and puffing, I was still doing something…

I was still moving.

But then a month ago, an infection struck. And due to the nature of it, I stopped everything.

BANG. Nothing.

I felt shit. Knowing I had been doing something good for me, mind, body and soul, and then I had to stop it abruptly, was actually quite painful emotionally. It was really difficult to grasp, but I realised my body needed some kind of break, so I gave it what I thought it needed…

Today though, I realised it was time to start again.

I did the yoga. I didn’t realise how much I missed it until I finished, and I felt…

Happy. Lighter.

My mood had improved.

But I decided to take it a step further tonight. Hubbie has been on a major health/workout kick since covid began, and he has very clear goals for where he wants to be when we get out of it… he has structured nights for different types of training, and work outs, and tonight was his push-ups and sit-ups night.

And I joined him.

But, baby steps, baby steps. When you know yourself well, and how you work, you have already won. I know that I don’t deal well when faced with a major challenge. When a task feels so huge that I don’t know how I will do it, I tend to give up easily.

I know I have to give myself little goals. Little itty bitty teeny weeny goals. It’s how I approach writing. And it’s how I’m going to approach this movement thing.

Not exercise. Movement.

So I did it! If someone had been a fly on the wall tonight, they would have seen me, Hubbie AND baby girl (because she thought it looked like fun!) on our hands and knees, huffing and puffing and doing sit-ups and push-ups.

When I start small, I am more likely to achieve.

But I don’t think I’m that unique. I think we’re all like that, right?

Anyway… I’m filling the void in a positive way, and looking forward to making little progress.

Day by day. Getting there… slowly.

Photo by Valeria Ushakova on Pexels.com

#1603 Day 105 of getting there: broth with the lot

It’s the third time I’ve made this bone broth.

And every time I make it, the scents of galangal, apple cider vinegar and chicken infuse every part of the house, with the scent wafting around the house for days.

Literally days, since it is on the heat for 48 hours.

It’s a little self-care practice I do to look after my mind, gut health, and seeing my skin look smoother after repeated use, I know other parts of my body are reaping the benefits too.

It’s a lovely thing to do on a winter’s day. With the weather making you want to stay in, (and the government making you want to stay in!) it feels like the best thing to do on a slow Sunday…

Look after myself. 🙏❤🍲

#1600 Day 102 of getting there: the healthy potato bake

Our dinner, night by night, is fairly predictable.

Fairly standard.

Fairly simple.

Meat. Salad. A carb. And loads of steamed vegies.

The meat changes, sure… Hubbie IS a butcher after all.

The vegies kind of stay the same.

So does the salad.

I try to be creative with the carb though.

Spicy rice. Yellow rice. Plain rice! (Hubbie loves rice!)

Potato chips (home-baked potato chips are so yum). Pasta!

And let’s not forget our good friend pasta.

I do soups too, especially in Winter. Chicken and sweet corn soup, basic traditional soup, cauliflower soup, pumpkin soup, and my latest LOVE, chicken and egg drop soup.

Drooool.

ALL the carbs are so moorish, and I would actually overdose if it weren’t for my sensitive-stomached Hubbie.

He eats well, and he eats healthy. But unlike me, the slightest overdose of fats/cheese/cream/oil…

And he is physically and emotionally paying for it the next day.

I’m all like “How? Why?”

I’ve come to realise though that our bodies are very different, and even though my body doesn’t really tell me, his body throws out obvious hints left, right and centre.

It’s the whole reason I stopped making one of our carb staples, the potato bake.

This potato bake was DELISH. Thinly-sliced potatoes, onions, cheese, LOADS of cheese, with a sprinkle of pepper and paprika, and then the whole lot was covered in half a tub of cream and lots of milk.

Can you just hear the cows singing out to you? 🙂 😉

Well, like I said, I stopped it. Both because Hubbie didn’t like to eat much of it at all, and then… I got MORE food conscious.

I say more, because I’ve grown up with my own share of food awareness. I know a lot.

But recently I’ve come to learn more.

I’ve been on a bit of a journey myself. I’m not off dairy, but I have reduced it greatly. I have things like almond milk and coconut yoghurt as part of my intake, alongside regular milk. I have my daily coffee and tea, but I try to have treats that I’ve baked myself. Things from programs by Sam Wood and Rachael Finch. The sugar I was so reliant on to accompany my caffeine kick, I’ve realised I don’t need.

Instead I have things that contain maple syrup for sweetener, dried fruit, nuts and healthy fats, and these are the things I am increasingly calling my ‘treats.’

You know, I’m actually enjoying them too.

But there’s been something I’ve been pondering for a while. I’ve been sitting on this idea, thinking thinking thinking, and today I finally went ahead and looked up…

“Potato bake with chicken stock.”

Simple right? I could remove the cream, the milk, even 3/4s of the cheese, and replace it with…

Stock. Spices. Herbs. Which is exactly what I did.

I sliced the potatoes up as normal and sprinkled some salt, pepper and herbs in between layers, including some crushed garlic, poured the stock over the whole lot, and voila!

A healthy potato bake!

I even tossed some parmesan on top (just a little!) in the last 10 minutes of baking.

It was really yum! I didn’t miss anything AT ALL. I perhaps overdosed a little on the garlic, but all in all, I think I’ve just reintroduced the potato bake bake into the ‘rotation,’ as Hubbie would say.

Still delish, but only healthier. 🙂

I love a good cheat.