I am going to be brutally honest with you.
Not that I’m usually dishonest. But doing this gratitude blog, means I focus in on some positive moment, event, thing, person, expression, and amplify it.
So often in our lives, we focus on that which doesn’t work. That which doesn’t go to plan, or that which makes our hearts sad.
That’s why I do this blog. To prove, that no matter what, you can find something good in every day.
I have had so many bad days. More than you will care to realise. And each time, I chug on, write another gratitude post, think of that one thing amidst many shit things that is worth focusing in on.
But I am really truly struggling as of late.
My health has been hit with some setbacks. When you fall ill, without any understanding of why it’s happening, and it comes back again, and again, and again…
You really start to doubt things in your life. You start to fear. Anxiety grows, slowly at first, but then like a garden you tend to, if you neglect it for only a few days, the weeds spread out and cover your every thought.
This has been my life. This has been me. Health issues, as well as other serious thoughts, and isolation, are all colliding together spectacularly.
I clutch onto good things in my day, like a cat with its claws dug into a piece of driftboard, as it sails further and further away into murky and stormy seas.
It is hard to avoid the deep, dark seas.
I am becoming devoid of passion. I have no motivation for things that used to bring me happiness. I am not looking forward, to anything… even my appetite has taken a hit.
I used to look forward to baking new things, finding new recipes… I can’t be bothered anymore.
I used to count all the opportunities during the week in which I could write in all my side projects… I can’t. I feel fake.
I would love sitting on the couch at the end of the night, doing whatever I liked, for me, while the rest of the house slept.
Now it just makes me feel more alone and scared than ever.
Fear and anxiety is the main presence in my life. I can’t trust anything… I am scared of what’s around the corner.
I just want my life to go back to how it used to be. But it feels so far away. Isolation, the absence of seeing my family, my friends, is making it so hard.
Being stuck in the square box we called home, the anxious thoughts circling around my head, following me from room to room, are not helping.
I’m honestly going mad.
And although on a good day, I would be overjoyed and proud to share something like this…
All three of the tulips blooming.
Today? Nothing. A mere distraction, that I’m trying so desperately to clutch onto.
I try to snap other things, other flowers, trying to remember how they will look like this season, based off previous years growth…
But not even curiosity can save me.
So I turn to you, anyone reading, to ask for help.
Having poured my heart out to you, I ask, I beg…
If you were ever in a moment, or a spate of days/weeks/months, of intense and extreme fear and anxiety, where the emotions took over all your senses and clouded all movements you made throughout your day, what did you do to help yourself?
Is there anything you did to help yourself? What helped? What could you have done better, looking back?
I really need some guidance here.
Thank you. 🙏