#3089 Brighter through the windows

Baby girl and I were very animated by the goings-on from our neighbours early this morning as we all got up early to prepare for school drop-off. Even baby boy was following us as we went from window to window, probably thinking “what is the big deal?”

A man had arrived at the leased property next door that’s currently between renters, and was starting to cut down the branches of trees that were in our neighbours property, but that leant over the whole side of our house!

I was excited. 😃 I do love the look of the fig leaves in Spring and Summer, as it does look quite lush and provides great shade in the warmer weather. However that’s the majority of the pros. The overhang is quite extreme over our fence, it creates a tonne of mess that we (Hubbie) then needs to maintain… he literally cuts away whole sections of these trees that aren’t even ours! All that time wasted on somebody else’s trees. He cuts them, actually pushes big branches into their yard (their tree, not ours) but the ones that fall into our yard he’ll chop them down before putting it in the green bin.

I was so excited to see the trees getting cut, I was even hopeful… would they all be gone? Wouldn’t that be something! But as the morning went on and the hours followed, I realised he was removing significant amounts, but also trimming around them, so no, most of the framing of the trees would stay.

In some parts whole trees have been removed, but I’m afraid the neighbour tree maintenance will need to continue from our end for the time being, especially once Spring sets in again. However, it is FAR better than what it was before, and the sunlight that can now enter our kitchen is so much bigger and brighter than before! So beautiful. 🙏

So while not all the trees are gone, it’s lovely to see some more sunlight, in the coldest time of the year, also on what was the shortest day, the Winter solstice.

Hey, I just realised. I actually gained sunlight today. ☀️🌲

#3088 The short nap rainbow

Now that baby boy is on one nap a day there is about 1.5 to 2 hours of the day that those on ‘duty’ can have some of their free time.

That so-called ‘free time’ for me can happen on Monday, Thursday, Friday and the weekend, somewhat, depending on what we’re doing.

But what seems to happen more often than not is on my ‘duty’ day, he’ll wake up way earlier than he needs to…

So he has to be held back to sleep, or else it’ll be too long until bedtime.

I am usually the one doing this, because he’s always doing this on MY day. 🙄

It could be separation anxiety. It could be teeth. I have no idea. I feel like explaining it away makes me feel better, like knowing what it is makes me cope with this stage easier.

Today this very thing happened. I was eating lunch with Hubbie when he woke up.

Hubbie went to settle him as I finished lunch, then I went up to hold on, because he just wasn’t happy (and Hubbie was going back to work).

I often try to put him back down, after he’s fallen asleep on me… I wait up to 20 minutes! Firstly though, once he’s asleep, I sit down with him draped over me, and then just wait… I have my phone with me, so while he’s sleeping, I’m messaging, looking up stuff, researching stuff, anything really that my phone allows me to do quietly.

Often the first attempt to put him back in his cot fails, and then I wait again, another 20 minutes or so…

But I realised today, successful on the first time, second time, or not, that although initially frustrating because I’m not doing any of the things that I want to do, it’s actually good in another way, because I’m sitting and relaxing as he sleeps on me, something I don’t actually do at all during the day when he’s asleep.

I even put my phone down today after playing Wordscape as well (🤭) and closed my eyes… I managed to doze off for a few minutes, because that’s how easy you fall asleep when you’re sleep deprived from night wakes.

And yeah, I guess I have found the silver lining to this wake-up-early-from-main-nap rainbow. 😴🌈

#3087 She’s back

I missed her several mugs of camomile tea in the kitchen sink.

Her funny 1-a-day mentos addiction.

Her loud voice and argumentative nature, telling us she’s right, and we’re wrong, about EVERYTHING.

I missed her sweet smile.

Her planning out all of our dinners to suit her accordingly.

I missed her hugs.

I missed baby girl soooo much, and I am so grateful to have her back.

#3086 Some adult conversation

It’s been soooo weird having baby girl away at camp.

I observed today that our family unit feels… different. Out of place. Not quite right.

As Hubbie said today, “baby girl is loud.”

She is a personality. She talks and talks. She takes up the room, and we love her so much for it.

It’s made me actually feel more empathetic to families of teens who are leaving the house more and more, and even those with young adults who may not see their brood for days at a time.

How sad. How devastating! I’m so glad I’m not anywhere near that stage yet.

All it is for now, with baby girl, is ‘camp’ stage. 🙏

But with the feelings of missing her presence around the house, came a little pro tonight.

Hubbie and I can talk about whatever we like. 🤭

Now it isn’t as bad as it might sound! It’s just that, with a 10-year-old, some conversations we have to be careful about, especially if we’re sharing an adult-like story about something we’ve heard or come across… she’s still naive and innocent, at an impressionable age, and I just don’t want her getting exposed to certain material before she is ready.

But also, we could actually talk… at length! No interruptions, no unfinished conversations because something just happened… we were just talking about kids, about life, us, our interests, and it was so lovely because we usually get a lot of broken time during the evening, especially during a weekday with work and school around.

Baby boy was happily watching The Wiggles and playing with his toys, and we played with him, but then we were really able to talk amongst it all, and it reminded me of when baby girl was that little, even older, and we could just talk about whatever we wanted!

Not anymore!

Except for camp days. 😁

Still, I’m glad camp is almost over. Give me my baby girl back. 🥰🩷

#3085 My big baby girl

It’s the second time that baby girl has been off to camp.

She said before heading off with her school this morning “I won’t miss you and Dad, but I’ll miss baby boy.”

I knew she was stirring me up, but at the same time I laughed, and said “that’s how it should be.” 🥰

And yet, after we said our goodbyes at 9am, I decided to on whim stay back to see them get on the bus which was to happen an hour later, after I got talking with another Mum… and when she saw me unexpectedly as she came out of class, she yelled “Mummy!” and ran up to me with a big hug.

So, I kinda think she will miss us. 😉🩷

#3084 Focusing on the good parts

The nights are getting increasingly harder, and my patience is wearing thin.

I feel my physical, mental, emotional states, crashing down around me.

But I try to look at the little positives.

The way he looks so peaceful when I rock him to sleep in my arms.

How he plays peek-a-boo around the corner of the door, and then will accidentally close the door instead of leaving it ajar, crying in protest at his frustration.

His little quick step as he tries to dance and stamp.

His cheeky, cheeky grin, knowing he’s up to no good.

They are my glimmers of light in the darkness of night where I don’t sleep.

#3083 We’re all besties

Bestie and her hubbie and young boy were all over tonight for a visit.

It’s funny, because, well she’s my bestie…

And now our hubbies are getting on the same wagon with their passions and becoming besties in the process…

And our boys are both there, cruising the living room and walking around the house like they own it, tagging each other and moving trucks along, just getting used to each other and being future besties too, you know. 😉

And meanwhile baby girl is the gel holding us all together, she is all of our bestie. 🥰

And so it was just a very fun and full night, full of discussion, passion, love and friendship.

The bestie kind of friendship. 😉🥰

#3082 It’s not just me

Last night with baby boy was one of those nights where you go “this is one of the worst nights.”

As if he isn’t challenging enough already, throw in some teething/development/regression/I don’t know what, and the nights become even more tricky. From the hours of 12:30 to 4:30am, Hubbie and I took turns holding him, putting him down, going to bed… before he woke up again. Sometimes an hour later. Sometimes 10 minutes later. Sometimes half an hour later.

I try and reason with myself during the day ‘it’s all a stage,’ but when it’s the middle of the night and you’re in the throes of it, you quite literally wanna pull your hair out.

Today there was a last minute Mother’s Group catch-up for one of the Mums who is moving with her family interstate for her Hubbie’s work… she will be back, in 2 years approximately, but for now most of us gathered for baby storytime at the library, then for coffee at the cafe there too, before she headed off.

It was both surprising and satisfying to hear that not one, but two of the other mums had shocking nights last night too! They knew theirs was due to teething, but still, other people had hell!

And it made me feel so much better. Even the Mums with the sweet, well-behaved girls had a tough night. I often think it’s a boy thing, or it’s just a baby boy thing 🤦‍♀️, when really, it’s just a baby/toddler thing.

All of us will go through really challenging baby/toddler moments as they get older… some like me, more than others. But still, we are united and stronger because we are all going through shit during the same stage, albeit at different times, but still, whether we get it here or we get it there… we still get it.

That knowledge, that I’m not alone, and it’s not just me having a hard time at the moment, helped me so much.

It helps having someone to talk to. As soon as you start talking, whether it be to your Mother’s Group, Mum, sister, friends, cousins, or neighbours, you realise that you both have a lot more in common that you ever realised.

I think next time I’m holding baby boy to sleep overnight, I won’t question why it’s only me… I’ll question, how many others are up at night, also like me. 🙏💙

#3081 Raking leaves

Today I randomly found myself raking leaves.

I actually enjoy tending to the outdoor areas. I am looking forward to the day where I don’t need to be by baby boy’s side and holding his hand, watching everything he touches and tries to put into his mouth…

The day where he can be there in my vicinity, you know digging, or picking up leaves (but not eating them!) and I can be like, weeding, tending to plants…

Or raking. 🍂🍃

I find great satisfaction and cleansing in the act of raking. I haven’t done it in so long. I can only really do a handful of things indoors, outdoors is still out of the question because I have to watch baby boy so carefully.

But today we were at the side of our house, and he was walking slowly, and I noticed the rake just leaning there against the wall… Autumn leaves have been strewn over the side of our house for months now, neither myself or Hubbie, the outdoor man, have had time to do anything about it.

So much goes on the backburner when you have a little one. Projects, passions, little jobs, anything that isn’t urgent, is temporarily bye bye.

But on a whim, today I grabbed the rake. Baby boy watched me, clearly curious by what I was doing, and with one eye going back to him repeatedly, I raked up a small pile of leaves…

Then as I walked down the side of the house with him (observing what he was picking up, leaves of course) again, I raked another pile… and then another.

I had 3 piles of leaves raked up, and oh my goodness, the satisfaction and relief I gained! I cannot even! 🙏

It doesn’t even make sense… but maybe it’s got to do with doing things I’ve been wanting to do, or just having that little sense of, ‘oh, things will get easier again.’

I don’t know. But I really liked it. 💖

#3080 Finding time

Wednesdays are always so go-go-go.

I have been working them in the afternoons for the last few months, and it’s Hubbie’s only full mid-week day off, so we spend it doing odd jobs, grocery shopping, any appointments we can’t do elsewhere because we need baby boy minded, and then of course, we need to squeeze in coffee somehow, somewhere. 😜

This all happens one after another, and before I know it, it’s after midday, and I’m looking at the time and saying to Hubbie “quick, we need to get home so I can log on for my shift!”

Then there’s the mad dash home, I switch on all the things, and log in in the nick of time. 😅

But today, there were less things to do. We did a quick coffee spot, some groceries…

Then we were home, a full 90 minutes before my work shift started.

What?

Of course, I found so many things to do around the house! There are always things. But I was really happy to tick little things off my list here and there, and I don’t know, there is something so thrilling as suddenly realising “I have some extra time here…”

Welcome to middle age. 🤣